Episode 722: Uncle Deadly

“Grandfather always said that I would be killed by a woman, and he was right. A woman murdered me!”

“Please, Quentin,” says the young set, staring straight through the television screen, their eyes glazed with grief. “Don’t be dead. Please, don’t leave me alone!”

They move, as one, to approach their antiquated music machines — the gramophone, the turntable, the cassette player.

“You liked that music,” they say. “It was your favorite! I’m going to keep playing it, over and over again!”

Maestro? If you would?

There, that’s better.

“I’m going to keep playing it, over and over again!”

It’s a warning.

It’s a prophecy.

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Well, he’s all finished with his mischief now, and I can’t say I’m sorry.

Miss the chance to say all the things I was afraid to say when he was alive? Oh, never.

Quentin Collins, you were a bounder! And a bully! A rake! And a lecher! And a liar! And I —

Judith, he moved! I swear! Lying in his coffin — Quentin moved!

722 dark shadows quentin coffin

Diane showed me several boxes stacked in a corner.

“That’s your fan mail.”

I looked at all the boxes of mail, thinking that just a few months before, I was an out of work actor, couldn’t quite put my mind around it — feeling funny that this was real. It wasn’t what I expected, but I wasn’t sure what I did expect. I know I did not expect millions of people to be watching what I did, although, in my dreams, I might have imagined millions watching and liking Quentin. But I never, for a minute, thought people would write letters, and lots of them. Some time later, Dan gave me a ride home one day after we finished work.

“Can you believe it? You’re a rock star.”

Dan was laughing. He was pleased, and surprised. Dan never quite knew where the show was going. Nobody knew.

722 dark shadows carl judith theories

I have a theory! Quentin was not killed by a stranger! His women! They were the ones who had reason to hate him most! Yes. I have a couple of ideas about that. Well, I’ll admit they’re private matters, and maybe they shouldn’t be discussed with others. But still, they must be said! No, not while Cousin Barnabas is walking around. What was he doing at the cottage? And why was he right there when Quentin’s body was discovered — now, there’s something eerie about that, and about him too! Yes, so considerate, he wouldn’t even come to grandmother’s funeral. Wouldn’t even be a pallbearer and walk her to her grave.

All right. I’ve got another theory.

The gypsies! A knife is a gypsy weapon! Well, why not? I wouldn’t be surprised if they were involved somehow! That’s what I really think.

No, some woman, any woman, it was probably a woman who killed him. Yes, it was Quentin — it had to be a woman! That’s what he used to say. No doubt about it, Quentin will be killed by a woman! And Grandmother used to say, oh, Grandfather, stop talking such nonsense! Well, I was only saying what Grandfather said.

722 dark shadows gum card 53

You liked that music.

It was your favorite.

I’m going to keep playing it,

over and over again.

722 his master's voice

#1 In the Year 2525 #2 Crystal Blue Persuasion #3 Spinning Wheel #4 My Cherie Amour #5 What Does It Take (To Win Your Love) #6 Ruby, Don’t Take Your Love to Town #7. Sweet Caroline (Good Times Never Seemed So Good) #8 Honky Tonk Women #9 Baby, I Love You #10 The Ballad of John and Yoko #11 Mother Popcorn (You Got to Have a Mother for Me) Part 1 #12 Color Him Father #13 QUENTIN’S THEME #14 My Pledge of Love #15 Good Morning Starshine #16 Love Theme From Romeo & Juliet #17 One #18 Polk Salad Annie #19 Yesterday, When I Was Young #20 A Boy Named Sue #21 Good Old Rock ‘N Roll #22 Bad Moon Rising #23 Love Me Tonight #24 Choice of Colors #25 Put a Little Love in Your Heart #26 Laughing #27 Along Came Jones #28 Reconsider Me #29 Get Together #30 I Turned You On #31 Too Busy Thinking About My Baby #32 Doggone Right #33 Moody Woman #34 Black Pearl #35 Lay Lady Lay #36 It’s Getting Better #37 Clean Up Your Own Back Yard #38 Marrakesh Express #39 Moonflight #40 Let Me #41 I’d Wait a Million Years #42 Workin’ On a Groovy Thing #43 Give Peace a Chance #44 True Grit #45 On Campus #46 Abraham, Martin and John #47 Abraham, Martin and John (another version) #48 Hurt So Bad #49 The Days of Sand and Shovels #50 Soul Deep #51 Muddy River #52 I’ll Never Fall in Love Again #53 I’d Rather Be An Old Man’s Sweetheart (Than a Young Man’s Fool) #54 Don’t Wake Me Up in the Morning, Michael #55 Share Your Love With Me #56 Birthday #57 Tell All the People #58 Did You See Her Eyes #59 Your Husband – My Wife #60 I’m Free #61 Your Good Thing (Is About to End) #62 Hey Joe #63 Break Away #64 Girl You’re Too Young #65 The Nitty Gritty #66 I’ve Lost Everything I’ve Ever Loved #67 Sugar, Sugar #68 While You’re Out Looking for Sugar? #69 Everybody Knows Matilda #70 Green River #71 Commotion #72 Abergavenny #73 Where Do I Go/Be-In/Hare Krishna #74 Till You Get Enough #75 Don’t Tell Your Mama (Where You’ve Been) #76 Ease Back #77 Nobody But You Babe #78 Jack and Jill #79 Odds and Ends #80 Nothing Can Take the Place of You #81 Simple Song of Freedom #82 Change of Heart #83 First Hymn From Grand Terrace #84 That’s the Way God Planned It #85 Let Yourself Go #86 Goo Goo Barabajagal (Love Is Hot) #87 Dynamite Woman #88 The Young Folks #89 In My Room #90 By the Time I Get to Phoenix #91 Keem-O-Sabe #92 Let’s Call It a Day Girl #93 The Hunter #94 That’s the Way #95 Hook and Sling – Part 1 #96 You Made a Believer (Out of Me) #97 Let Me Be the Man My Daddy Was #98 Out of Sight, Out of Mind #99 Big Bruce #100 In a Moment

I don’t know what’s going on in this house, but I don’t like it! Do you hear me? I don’t like it at all! Now, Judith keeps saying, Quentin’s dead, and we should forget what he was, only remember the good about him! First of all, she’s wrong about Quentin being dead! And second of all, she’s wrong to forget what a heartless conniver he was!


And I’ve got the feeling he’s conniving something now! RIGHT NOW!

And I’ve got the further feeling, Jamison Collins, that you know more about this than what you’re saying! So you better shut that machine right now, and start talking! I said shut that machine off! I want that machine OFF!

722 dark shadows carl jamison machine

Young man — when I say something around here, it has some meaning! Do you HEAR me?

I am your uncle! Now do you understand that?


722 dark shadows jamison uncle

No, Carl… you’re my brother.

Tomorrow: Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and Vampires.

Dark Shadows bloopers to watch out for:

In act 1, Carl yelps, “I know what you said, Judith! That you don’t like — private — you don’t like strangers to discuss private matters!”

When Jamison walks into the drawing room at the end of act 1, you can clearly see the wires that are going to lower and raise the coffin lid later on in the episode.

Carl is upset that Quentin’s theme is playing, and he yells at Jamison: “You’d better shut that machine right now, and start talking! I said shut that machine off!”

There’s a problem with one of the cameras today; it’s showing blue and green flickers around the corners of the screen.


The David Selby quote is from his 2010 memoir, My Shadowed Past, which is available at DavidSelby.com.

The chart listings are the Billboard Hot 100 chart for August 2, 1969, the week that “Quentin’s Theme” peaked at lucky #13.

Tomorrow: Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and Vampires.

649 dark shadows findley known

Dark Shadows episode guide

— Danny Horn

20 thoughts on “Episode 722: Uncle Deadly

    1. Okay, now I just spit Dr. Pepper all over my laptop!
      How about this – the next time Barnabas goes time travelling, he ends up in 1962 with Otter & the gang living in The Old House cause Dean Wormer shut down their frat house on campus due to quadruple secret probation.
      Barnabas would fit right in at the toga party what with his Julius Caesar hairstyle.

        1. Ah, the Classics!
          Can’t you just picture Otis Day & the Knights belting out SHOUT in Barnabas’ basement? Carolyn would be there of course, Shakin’ a Tail Feather but I bet roger would call the police to register a complaint about the debauched behavior happening on his, I mean his sister’s estate.
          Spending time at the Delta House is exactly what Barnabas needs – might kill that 200 year old bug he has up his butt.

          1. Barnabas and Buzz Hackett are invited to pledge as Deltas. Bluto gives them their new fraternity names — “Fang” and “Buzz”.

              1. All the while, Joe Haskell is standing in the corner fuming. When he can’t stand it anymore, he pushes his way out and shouts, “You’re all as much fun as a bag full of spiders!”

  1. Not sure Willie is a frat boy – he’s too much of a loner/too complicated. Maybe he’s more like the guy who takes a chainsaw to the dead horse in Dean Wormers office.

    1. Now that’s the damn truth. Karlen always said Willie was nothing but poor white Southern trailer trash (albeit with a Brooklyn accent).
      No way would Barnabas ever pledge a fraternity that would accept Willie.

  2. Also, I thought the dream sequence was fantastic, far better than anything did during the Dream Curse storyline.

      1. I’ve always hated the dream sequences, but as dream sequences go, this one was tolerable. Best of all it was relatively short. It was also pretty creepy, I’ll give it that… though not half as creepy as the scene she wakes up to!

  3. 1 In the Year 2525 #2 Crystal Blue Persuasion #3 Spinning Wheel #4 My Cherie Amour #5 What Does It Take (To Win Your Love) #6 Ruby, Don’t Take Your Love to Town #7. Sweet Caroline (Good Times Never Seemed So Good) #8 Honky Tonk Women #9 Baby, I Love You #10 The Ballad of John and Yoko #11 Mother Popcorn (You Got to Have a Mother for Me) Part 1 #12 Color Him Father #13 QUENTIN’S THEME

    So this list explains how Quentin’s theme made it to #13. 2525 at #1? When my husband starts singing this (and he does) I want to stab him with a knife.

  4. Judith and Rachel are wearing hairpieces in this episode that don’t match their hair color. Judith is wearing black an awful lot lately. I owned Quentin’s Theme on 45 RPM record. At the Blue Whale was side 2, if I remember correctly. My mom bought us records all the time. The Batman TV show theme too. Oh the memories.

  5. This is a watershed moment to me, when a member of the Collins family (Judith), finally stops mis-pronouncing Bangor as “Banger” and finally starts pronouncing it correctly as “Bang-or.” I wonder if angry Bangoreans had been writing in.

  6. The thing I love about this mood piece: without any help from the vampire, witch, werewolf, murdering lunatic, et cetera, this time the “normal” characters have to bring the crazy.

    And they do.

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