“How strange you all are, to spend your time this way.”
It seems so obvious now, in hindsight, that it’s incredible nobody thought to mention it before.
Adam, the local teenage Frankenstein monster, has fallen for a girl who just wants to be friends, and he’s decided that the only way that he’ll ever be loved is if somebody invents a mate for him. So he’s spent the last two months browbeating Barnabas and Julia, demanding that they set up a mad science lab in the basement, and create a made-to-order corpse bride for him.
They had objections, of course. For one thing, they weren’t sure they knew how to put a body together. Then they had to find someone willing to die in order to donate her life force to Adam’s mate, which took forever. The whole process was basically one long hassle, and they took every opportunity to voice their concerns.
But nobody thought to explain to Adam that you can’t just wake up a brand-new woman and tell her that she’s your mate, and expect her to instantly fall in love with you. That’s not how women work. Women are super complicated.
And this particular woman is even more complicated than usual.
As exhibit A, there’s a point in today’s episode when Eve makes this face. This isn’t an unflattering paparazzi screenshot, catching a moment while she’s in the middle of a word. She does this on purpose.
Eve’s life force was actually taken from the spirit of an 18th-century French maniac, but she’s pretending that she doesn’t remember anything of her former life as “Danielle Roget”. You’d think that total amnesia would be a pretty easy thing to keep under your hat, but it turns out maniacs like to express themselves.
At one point, she barks at Professor Stokes, “I am used to my questions being answered!” and Barnabas asks, “When were you used to that? When?”
Eve turns away, says, “I don’t know,” and then she holds on this expression for five seconds.
I mean, let’s count off five seconds right now:
One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi, four Mississippi, five Mississippi. This face.
And then — believe it or not — this is her dismount. This is the very next thing she does.
So she’s amazing, is what I’m saying. Eve is a perfect character for Dark Shadows, because she is the living embodiment of “we don’t have a plan.” The writers decided to do a Bride of Frankenstein story without really knowing how that’s supposed to go.
This is Eve’s second day on the job, and they still haven’t really decided who she is yet. The character is just a bundle of insane contradictions, ping-ponging from one emotion to another.
So Marie Wallace, bless her heart, has decided that she’s just going to roll with that. Acting is all about choices, and today, it is all about Eve.
So I’m going to get out of the way, and let Eve do her thing. The rest of this entry is just going to be a gallery of what Eve gets up to in the space of twenty-two minutes. There is literally nothing that I could say that would be more interesting and entertaining than Eve being Eve.
So this is how Eve starts a scene. When she has spare time, she apparently just hangs around the house doing this.
“You should not leave me alone.”
She starts flirting with Adam…
… but it doesn’t last very long.
“I almost remembered something while you were gone.”
“I do not like questions.”
“You are so strong. If you insist, they will leave me alone.”
“I do not kiss men who are weak.”
“I am a woman. I accept what happens to me.”
“I open my eyes, and I am here, in this house.”
“I cannot explain my mind to you. I do not know it well enough myself.”
“How strange you all are, to spend your time this way — with questions.”
“I remember you. Yes, I remember you. You have come after me?”
“Non, mon petit! I will not go back with you.”
“I am alive. I am ALIVE!”
“I will NEVER go back.”
Tomorrow: The Great Sproat Caper.
Dark Shadows bloopers to watch out for:
When Adam goes upstairs, Barnabas tells Stokes, “You shouldn’t have let her — him go to her.”
When Barnabas and Stokes sit down in Josette’s room, you can see a studio light on the floor, behind Stokes’ chair. About ten seconds later, you can see the boom mic hanging well into the frame.
Eve tells Stokes and Barnabas that she doesn’t remember anything before she woke up, and Barnabas says, “But you must.” Eve counters, “How can I remember? When I have no — memory, if I did not exist.”
There are 13 episodes that take place during this one evening, from episode 585 through today, episode 597. It’s been a long night.
Tomorrow: The Great Sproat Caper.
— Danny Horn