Category Archives: Ron Sproat

Episode 311: A Tomb of One’s Own

Ron Sproat, September 1967, , , , , , ,

“It’s more than a little peculiar. I’d say it was very peculiar.”

Okay, let’s get started; it’s the middle of the night, and there’s a lot of plot mechanics to get through.

On Friday, Sarah the apparently-friendly ghost lured young David to the Eagle Hill cemetery for some kind of necromancy play-date. She disappeared, and he went looking for her in the secret room hidden in the Collins mausoleum. You know, like they always do on soap operas.

Meanwhile, Sarah’s vampire brother Barnabas and his blood-slave servant Willie are also looking for the little ghost, at her final resting place — the Collins mausoleum. Startled, David closes the door, and hides inside the coffin in the secret room.

The mausoleum is apparently empty when Barnabas enters, but he wants to check the secret room. Willie opens the panel.

Barnabas walks in and poses with his hand resting on the coffin, which is kind of superb. This is supposed to be high drama, but it’s actually a plot point from a farce, with everybody piling into the secret room. I’d give anything to have the Marx Brothers show up and start ordering hard-boiled eggs.

Continue reading Episode 311: A Tomb of One’s Own →

Episode 310: Ghostbusted

Ron Sproat, September 1967, ,

“I think I see something… A shape! And I know what it means!”

Willie’s up on a ladder, cleaning the chandelier in the Old House drawing room, when he suddenly sees someone standing at the window. He rushes to the window, shouting, “Hey! Hey, you!”

Then he bolts outside, calling, “Where are ya?”

Roused by the clamor, Barnabas follows him outside.

Barnabas:  Willie, who are you shouting at?

Willie:  Her! Sarah! She was standing right here, at the window.

Barnabas:  Well, she’s not here now.

Willie:  I know! When I shouted at her, she disappeared!

Barnabas:  Disappeared?

Willie:  Yeah, she disappeared — right into thin air!

That gets a little “surprise” dramatic sting, which leads into the opening titles. Except how much of a surprise could it be, when everyone in the scene already knows that Sarah is a ghost? Of course she disappeared. Did you think you’d find her crouching behind a tree? That’s not how ghosts work.

Continue reading Episode 310: Ghostbusted →

Episode 304: Scooby-Doo Must Die

August 1967, Ron Sproat, , , , ,

“I don’t know what you’re thinking about, but whatever it is, I’m sure you’re quite wrong.”

So here’s something you don’t want to see on your doorstep first thing in the morning — Burke Devlin, all self-righteous and shouty. He gets right up in Willie’s face and says, “I have to see Mr. Collins.”

Willie says that Barnabas isn’t home; he left early this morning and didn’t say where he was going.

Burke shouts, “You’re lying! I saw him come into this house before sunrise this morning, and he never came out.”

Stunned, Willie says, “You’ve been spying on him?”

“Well, I’ve been watching him,” Burke says, splitting hairs.

Willie asks the obvious question. “Why?”

“Because I find Mr. Collins a very odd person,” Burke says, “and the same goes for you.”

So there you go — any last shred of sympathy that we might have had for Burke, tossed away in a weird moment of spiteful bitchery. As a general rule, if you’ve been standing outside behind a tree all night, waiting for a guy to come home, then you lose any right to call other people odd. It doesn’t matter if the guy you’re spying on turns out to be a vampire. You are part of the problem.

Continue reading Episode 304: Scooby-Doo Must Die →

Episode 300: The Other Woman

August 1967, Ron Sproat, ,

“I know what you were planning to do there. I know what you are.”

Today’s episode begins with Vicki standing at the drawing room windows, looking aimlessly at the sunset. There’s a distressingly large number of episodes that start with Vicki staring into space, in one direction or another. It’s like nobody’s ever told her that television exists.

Julia strolls in, and Vicki mentions that last night she dreamt that someone was in her room. When she woke up, her music box was playing. Obviously, Julia knows that means that a vampire was sneaking around Vicki’s room at the end of the last episode. I probably should have mentioned that in yesterday’s post, but I had other things on my mind.

Continue reading Episode 300: The Other Woman →

Episode 299: A Human Life

August 1967, Ron Sproat, , , , ,

“I’d do almost anything to continue… but I won’t sacrifice a human life.”

It’s evening at the great estate of Collinwood, and governess Victoria Winters is standing outside on the terrace, alone in the moonlight. Then the peace of the night is shattered by the vampire, Barnabas Collins, approaching silently behind her.

Except it’s not shattered at all, really. Vicki is standing there, and Barnabas walks up behind her. Instead of doing something semi-normal like saying, “Hello, Miss Winters, what a lovely night it is, don’t you sometimes think that we would all be better off if we never had to see the harsh rays of the sun” or whatever, he chooses to approach silently, and reach out to touch her somewhere in the shoulder/neck region.

This gives her the opportunity to spin around with an alarmed shriek, and then we crash into the titles.

Continue reading Episode 299: A Human Life →

Episode 298: Dread Alert

August 1967, Ron Sproat, , , , , , ,

“I don’t know what it is. I just know it’s going to happen.”

Today’s episode opens with Carolyn standing on the landing with a glum expression, probably because it’s been almost two weeks since she’s been on the show, and so far nobody’s noticed.

She walks downstairs at a moderate pace, and sets course for the drawing room. She reaches the fireplace, and then she whirls around, looking behind her. Nobody’s there, so she walks back across the drawing room.

It’s almost a shame that Liz comes in at that point and starts talking; this could have turned into a whole half hour of Carolyn pacing silently around the house.

Continue reading Episode 298: Dread Alert →

Episode 296: United Stakes

August 1967, Ron Sproat, , , , ,

“Is this really happening, or am I imagining it?”

We’re not good people, I think is the main thing. Every few years, somebody notices that there are a lot of popular TV shows where the protagonist isn’t a very nice person. The current list includes Don Draper, Walter White, Dexter Morgan, Jax Teller and assorted Bluths. In earlier days, it was Tony Soprano, Amanda Woodward, Bart Simpson, J.R. Ewing and Basil Fawlty, in a fictional rogues’ gallery that stretches all the way back to Falstaff and Tom Jones. (From the Henry Fielding novel, not the guy who sang “What’s New Pussycat”. Well, maybe him too.)

The disturbing thing — or, at least, the thing that disturbs people who are disturbed by things like this — is that after a while, you find yourself rooting for the bad guy. You want them to evade the police, to get away with murder, to swindle and seduce and blackmail and crush the opposition.

So, apparently, we’re not good people, at least as far as our television loyalties go. There’s a very short list of things that a fictional character can do that would make the audience actually turn against them. The only ones that I can think of are hurting a young child, or being cruel to cute and/or endangered animals.

Amazingly, in the female-focused world of the soap opera, a popular protagonist can even bounce back from committing rape, as fans of General Hospital’s Luke Spencer and One Life to Live’s Todd Manning know. That also applies to fantasy-metaphor rape, see also: Angel and Spike and Eric Northman and Damon Salvatore and every other sexy vampire in fiction.

Which brings us to Maggie Evans, who was fantasy-metaphor raped in a fairly comprehensive way, and now we’re rooting for the monsters who are trying to conceal their crimes.

Continue reading Episode 296: United Stakes →

Episode 294: House Party

August 1967, Ron Sproat, , ,

“He said you were dead, but I knew you weren’t. And I was right!”

Today’s episode starts at Windcliff Sanitarium, where Maggie is clutching the bars on the window and wishing she could go home. And no wonder she’s restless — she was kidnapped three months ago, and she’s been confined in one room or another ever since. She’s missed practically the entire summer.

Happily, Maggie gets a visitation from Sarah, the ghost of a little girl who she met in lockup.

Sarah apologizes for taking so long: “I didn’t know where to find you. I just kept looking. I just kept listening very hard, and I began to hear you. And I found you at last!  And I’ll help you go home!”

Which brings up some questions: First, does Sarah operate with some kind of ghost radar? And second: what does she want, exactly?

Continue reading Episode 294: House Party →

Episode 288: The Unreflected

August 1967, Ron Sproat, , , ,

“Even historians have a certain amount of feminine vanity.”

It’s another cloudy day at Collinwood, and occasional governess Victoria Winters is daydreaming at the drawing room window, staring outside at nothing in particular while she listens to Josette’s music box. David walks into the room, and the music fades.

Then we realize that she’s not holding the music box. We were just hearing the music that plays inside Vicki’s head. Apparently we can do that now.

This raises the possibility that all of the incidental music that we hear on the show is actually just happening in the characters’ minds. So when something surprising happens, they turn around and say to themselves, Dunn! Dunn! DUNNNNNN!

Continue reading Episode 288: The Unreflected →

Episode 286: Slumber Party

July 1967, Ron Sproat, , , ,

“He never intended for her to die. Only to live.”

At the end of today’s episode, Barnabas is going to sneak into the room where Vicki’s sleeping, and lean over to bite her. I know, spoiler warning, but seriously it’s the only possible ending that this episode could have.

There’s a storm outside, Vicki is stuck at the Old House, and Barnabas has invited her to sleep in Josette’s room. What do you think is going to happen, they’re going to start a fantasy baseball league? Please.

Continue reading Episode 286: Slumber Party →