“I would laugh, if there was any laughing left in me!”
Quentin Collins returns to the Old House on the Collins estate, empty-handed in several senses of the word. Earlier in the evening, he went to his friend Evan’s house to retrieve the legendary Hand of Count Petofi, a magical artifact that may have the power to release him from a terrible curse. But he returns without it, and his gypsy friend Magda is crushed. She was the one who put the terrible curse on him in the first place, but they’ve made peace with each other, and now they’re bonded together in a way that only two people who wear too much makeup can be.
Continue reading Episode 792: Dances with Wolves
“The question is: why are they here, and what are they after?”
Okay, it’s what, Tuesday? And Julia is freaking out about a ghost. Yeah, right on schedule.
Sorry to drop you into the middle of things like this, but this is how we roll in the six-nine. This is what television does now.
Continue reading Episode 687: You Remind Me of a Man
“Chicken Little was right!”
David’s spending the day in his room again, I can’t remember why. Liz sent him to his room because he was mean to Amy, and then I think Maggie sent him to his room because he wouldn’t admit that he went to the west wing. It’s possible that we’re now in an endless “resisting arrest” cycle, where he’s being sent to his room because of his conduct the last time he was sent to his room.
Still, while we’re here, we ought to take a second to look around. It’s not like we’ve got anything else going on.
Continue reading Episode 680: The Room
“The house, the room. The coffin!”
Here’s a list of 32 things that I like about this episode, in order of appearance, with a special focus on pretty boys in peril, and introducing Miss Beverly Atkinson.
Continue reading Episode 563: A Sense of Themselves
“Victoria Winters, your name is now known to fire!”
So here’s a way that you could open your TV show: start with a long scene of a witch chatting with her homemade tarot deck, as she assembles a house of cards in real time.
“It’s been a long time, hasn’t it,” Angelique says, “since I’ve had work for you. You must see each other face to face, and watch that each of you obeys my least command.”
She’s always giving little pep talks to her props like this. It’s sweet, and it encourages them to stay engaged in the process. Also, she doesn’t have any friends.
Continue reading Episode 400: Playing with Fire
“I don’t know what it is. I just know it’s going to happen.”
Today’s episode opens with Carolyn standing on the landing with a glum expression, probably because it’s been almost two weeks since she’s been on the show, and so far nobody’s noticed.
She walks downstairs at a moderate pace, and sets course for the drawing room. She reaches the fireplace, and then she whirls around, looking behind her. Nobody’s there, so she walks back across the drawing room.
It’s almost a shame that Liz comes in at that point and starts talking; this could have turned into a whole half hour of Carolyn pacing silently around the house.
Continue reading Episode 298: Dread Alert
“Cracking up your car and getting your life saved can be pretty exhausting, you know.”
Okay, this is a tough one. For one thing, it’s another Liz/Jason blackmail episode, and that storyline has been getting to me lately. But the really tough thing is that I have very clear memories of this episode, which it turns out are partly false.
The way I remember it, this episode is a turning point in Liz’s relationship with Carolyn. Liz takes a big step, Carolyn is touched, and they have an emotional breakthrough. Then there’s the climactic wedding sometime next week, and after that it’s all vampires and witches, and I don’t have to deal with this boring storyline anymore.
But I think someone must have come along and tampered with these episodes since the last time I watched them, because that’s not what happens, and the wedding is still three weeks away. Three weeks!
Continue reading Episode 259: Cell Blocked
“Well, you can all be as exasperated as you like. It won’t do you any good.”
Full disclosure for the hardcore vampire enthusiasts: This is another Jason/Liz blackmail episode. Roger has some funny lines, and Carolyn is always worth watching, but if you’re only interested in vampires, then you can skip this one.
Actually, does it help if I tell you that Liz murdered her husband and buried him in the basement? That’s what the whole blackmail thing is about. Okay, maybe not. Come back tomorrow, vampire fans. Maggie gets abducted and everything.
Continue reading Episode 228: Those Things in That Room
“But then uniqueness is not always a good thing. It sets you apart from other men.”
Okay, I know, these first couple weeks with Barnabas are kind of a hard road. Most of the action’s been off-screen, and cow-related. Barnabas has been acting more like a kindly uncle than a demonic horror from the past.
Come on, the audience cries, enough with the slow build already. Bring on the scares!
Continue reading Episode 221: Mystery Date
“There were even those who would like to have considered Barnabas Collins dead. But he lived on. He lived on, and outlived all his enemies.”
Yesterday, we left Jason creeping up to the mausoleum, saying, “Willie?” And that’s where we pick up again today, except now he goes inside and says it some more. This is a seriously committed game of Where’s Willie. Jason spends a whole minute pacing around the small mausoleum set, then stops and whispers, “Willie?” Look, dude, unless Willie is a foot and a half tall and invisible, I’m pretty sure he’s not here.
Continue reading Episode 218: Madman with a Box