Category Archives: April 1967

Episode 219: Addled Quacks

“You look ghastly, Loomis. I mean this only as a compliment to your histrionic talents.”

It’s morning at Collinwood, and hey! Willie’s back. Now Jason’s angry, Willie collapses, and there’s a very good chance that we might end up doing the last three episodes all over again.

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Episode 218: Madman with a Box

“There were even those who would like to have considered Barnabas Collins dead. But he lived on. He lived on, and outlived all his enemies.”

Yesterday, we left Jason creeping up to the mausoleum, saying, “Willie?” And that’s where we pick up again today, except now he goes inside and says it some more. This is a seriously committed game of Where’s Willie. Jason spends a whole minute pacing around the small mausoleum set, then stops and whispers, “Willie?” Look, dude, unless Willie is a foot and a half tall and invisible, I’m pretty sure he’s not here.

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Episode 217: Not Enough Vampire in Your Vampire Show

“It’s almost as if this arm had been drained of blood.”

Yes, Jason is examining Willie’s bandaged wrist, and that’s his brilliant diagnosis, because Jason is clearly a well-known arm-blood specialist. How does a person go about losing blood just in his arm?

Continue reading Episode 217: Not Enough Vampire in Your Vampire Show

Episode 216: I Don’t Dig You Out

“I didn’t mean to almost try to kill you.”

So, the story so far: Barnabas got up out of his coffin, bit Willie on the wrist, apparently, and then went out and drank a whole cow. Now Willie’s at the Blue Whale drowning his sorrows, and who can blame him? He’s competing with livestock, it’s a tough gig.

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Episode 215: Where’s Willie?

“I haven’t seen him around, but I don’t know that he’s gone.”

We’re back at the Blue Whale today, and we’ll be here for the whole episode, so I hope you have a designated driver. The story plays out in real time, so it’s like 24 but without the action or suspense. But there is a mystery, and the question on everyone’s lips is: “Where’s Willie?”

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Episode 214: Very Much Alive

“Forgive me. Nothing that ever happened here was funny.”

Vicki comes to the Old House looking for David; it’s after dark and he’s probably run straight to the haunted house. Someone comes down the stairs, and she’s relieved when she sees that it’s Barnabas — she thought it might be someone dangerous.

After an awkward silence, Barnabas gestures upstairs, and says, “I was revisiting my ancestral past.” Naturally, Vicki doesn’t say anything. How do you respond when someone tells you that he’s revisiting his ancestral past?

Continue reading Episode 214: Very Much Alive

Episode 213: I’m Upset About Something

“We weren’t having an argument. We were simply discussing something.”

It’s morning at Collinwood, which means it’s time for Liz and Jason to stand around in the drawing room with the door open, and rehash their secret blackmail storyline at the top of their lungs. Looks like it’s going to be one of those days, by which I mean it’ll be night again by the start of act two.

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Episode 211: Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner

“Evil! That’s what’s here. I can feel it in the air. Evil. EVIL!”

Good morning, everybody! We start today’s episode with a recap of Willie opening the mystery box, and then we cut to the next morning, with Liz and Jason talking in the drawing room. Make sure you enjoy the daylight, because the sun’s going to set again in about eight minutes.

Continue reading Episode 211: Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner

Episode 210: Opening the Box

“My name is Victoria Winters. There are no limits to the things some men will do.”

The story so far: Don’t worry about it. Seriously. Yes, you’ve missed 209 episodes, but it’s 1967 and nobody has Hulu. As a genre, soap operas are perpetual-motion narrative engines designed for the continuous onboarding of new viewers, and Dark Shadows in this period is even slower than average. The interesting thing is still 20 minutes in the future; you’re just in time.

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