Tag Archives: apology

Episode 811: Deadbeat Dad

“There can be no happiness for anyone at Collinwood!”

I think Quentin Collins must be running for president, that’s the only way to explain it. When we met him five months ago, he was a heartless scoundrel working his way through a list of every pretty woman in Collinsport, including the married ones, and especially including the married ones who were married to his brother. He’s also currently threatening a young woman’s life, saying that he will murder her if she tells anyone that he’s a monster who murders young women, and by “currently” I mean literally two scenes ago.

And yet here he is, worried sick about the health of his infant daughter, who he didn’t even know existed until he murdered her mother, and who he’s expressed precisely zero interest in ever seeing. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you: Father of the Year.

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Episode 309: The Finger of Suspicion

“You have to admit that you are the most unknown quantity in town.”

I haven’t written very much about the opening voiceovers that introduce the episodes. Mostly, that’s because they’re not very interesting at this point. They get a lot more fun later on, but here are some typical examples from mid-1967 episodes.

The warm night wind wails around the walls of Collinwood…

The night wind murmurs through the ancient trees surrounding Collinwood…

It is nighttime at Collinwood, and a balmy breeze blows in from the sea…

You see what I mean? Weather reports.

Once the show really gets rolling, they don’t have time for climate. Here’s the beginning of an intro from late 1969:

Not far from Collinwood, Chris Jennings and the man Julia Hoffman believes to be Quentin Collins have found the recluse, Charles Delaware Tate.

That’s right, you get four full names, and that’s just the first sentence! That’s an intro you can sink your teeth into.

Still, there are some charmingly loopy examples from this period, and I’m fond of today’s:

This is a time of suspicion, a time when trust has slipped away into the darkness, and doubts run high. There are those who find the finger of suspicion pointed at them. They react with a sudden fear of exposure.

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Episode 216: I Don’t Dig You Out

“I didn’t mean to almost try to kill you.”

So, the story so far: Barnabas got up out of his coffin, bit Willie on the wrist, apparently, and then went out and drank a whole cow. Now Willie’s at the Blue Whale drowning his sorrows, and who can blame him? He’s competing with livestock, it’s a tough gig.

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