“I hope I disappoint you, and die before dawn.”
Barnabas Collins looks around, and tries to focus.
“Where have you brought me?” he moans. “What is this place?”
His wife, Angelique, drifts to his side.
“You’re near the sea,” she says. “Far away from anyone who may want to find you.”
Unimpressed, he surveys the room, clearly thinking: Near the sea? Dude, we live in Maine. Everything here is near the sea.
Continue reading Episode 618: Stop Trying
“Let’s just hope that what we suspect isn’t true.”
Danielle Roget, the notorious 18th-century murderess — the most evil woman who ever lived! — has been resurrected by unholy means, and she now inhabits a freakishly strong body created in a mad scientist’s lab. So here she is, a one-woman weapon of mass destruction, posing a clear and present danger to everyone in glowering range.
Today, we find her sitting on the couch and staring off into space, bored out of her everlovin’ mind.
Continue reading Episode 600: The Mate That Fate Had Me Created For
“He will not be a monster then — unless, of course, you consider me one. I’m sure you do.”
Julia Hoffman has seen too much.
Yesterday, Julia went into Dr. Lang’s secret murder lab without permission, and found the monster that he’s been assembling out of corpses and bits of string. She knows that the monster still needs a head, which means one more person has to die to finish the project. This is dangerous knowledge. Julia must be stopped.
Now she’s locked herself in Lang’s parlor, and she’s calling the police. She’s also screaming and sobbing quite a bit. Barnabas and Lang are banging on the door, desperate to stop her. Lang has pulled his gun — he’ll kill to protect his experiment, if he has to.
In a last desperate bid to halt this disastrous chain of consequences, Barnabas shouts through the locked door to his hysterical friend.
“Julia, remember!” he cries. “Remember someone!”
Continue reading Episode 481: Remember Someone
“I was just noticing your harpoon collection.”
“I’m sorry, Sheriff,” Julia says, in a spot of unhurried telephone acting, “but Mrs. Stoddard is resting. I’ll be glad to give her a message.” Then her face darkens. “I see. Yes, I’ll tell her — and, please, call the minute you hear something else.”
Then Barnabas just walks into the room. Nobody let him in, which means that Julia must have given him a key, and therefore they’re dating and they’re totally in love with each other.
Continue reading Episode 472: Lethal Weapon
“The more one learns, the worse one feels. I did not realize life was like that. But probably it is a well-known fact that no one bothered to tell me.”
There’s big news from the royal family, as usual. They think that just because they’re rich and powerful, that means they’ve got a patent on the epic tragedy — although to be fair, they usually do. Regular people don’t poison each other and throw themselves off cliffs; they just don’t have the time.
So here’s the top headlines: Barnabas, Prince of Collinsport, killed his uncle Jeremiah in a duel. Barnabas was then killed by his own wife, the witch Angelique, and cursed with eternal life. After dispatching Angelique, Barnabas courted his dead uncle’s wife, Josette, and planned to make her his vampire bride.
On Friday — confused and frightened by a vision created by the ghost of Angelique — Josette rejected the undead Prince, and killed herself by jumping from the cliff on Widow’s Hill. It’s basically a cross between Hamlet, Macbeth and the juicier episodes of Dynasty, as directed by George Romero.
Continue reading Episode 426: Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
“Doesn’t it disturb you that the last thing she was able to say was your son’s name?”
You know, I don’t care how it looks on TV — I bet there’s a downside to murdering any random person you come across. For one thing, there’s all the mess to clean up, and it certainly won’t make organizing the neighborhood softball league any easier.
I mean, at a certain point I think you just need to say to yourself, I bet that person’s probably in the middle of something. Then you say excuse me, and you go find something else to do. Join a book club or something. It’s just not that difficult.
Continue reading Episode 424: Pursued By a Bear
“I will not let you do what you would have to do to be with me.”
We’re in the Collins family mausoleum again today, for literally the sixth day in a row. It’s been nine months since we opened the mystery box and unleashed the vampire on the world of Dark Shadows, and we’ve now reached the stage where the show is almost entirely graveyard-based. I remember the days when people on this show had homes to go to.
Josette’s tracked down her ex-boyfriend Barnabas, who died recently and doesn’t seem to be committed to making their relationship work anymore.
“I beg you,” he says. “If you love me, then go. Forget you saw me. Remember this only as a terrible dream.”
I think we’ve all had conversations like that, haven’t we, where the other person just won’t accept that it’s over? Somebody needs to buy Josette a copy of He’s Just Not That Into Biting You.
Continue reading Episode 419: Lose My Number
“You see? I can be merciful. But next time, I will show you no mercy.”
Look out, everybody; Angelique’s mad at a toy again.
Yesterday, she thought she was making progress in her relationship with Barnabas, and by progress I mean they were kissing in a fairly serious way.
Barnabas promised to come to Angelique’s room later, but then he had kind of an emotional conversation with Josette, and all of a sudden, the relationship status updated again.
So Angelique is disappointed, and when she’s upset, she tends to say it with voodoo. Now she’s got Sarah’s doll, a handful of pins and a bottomless white-hot fury. You know, the Collins family really needs to stop leaving toys lying around; this is what happens.
Continue reading Episode 389: It’s Complicated
“Do you remember when this mark was the only sign we belonged to each other?”
And this is it, this is how you end a love story. Ladies and gentlemen, please join me in toasting the happy couple, as they enjoy their first and only dance as Mr. and Mrs. Jeremiah Collins. This is their moment.
It lasts for exactly two minutes and twenty seconds.
Continue reading Episode 383: The Newlywed Game
“Thank you anyway, for whatever it is you were trying to tell me.”
Yesterday, Jason told Liz that they’re going to get married. You can tell that this is a dramatic situation, because there are a lot of follow-up questions.
Liz: You can’t be serious.
Jason: Can’t I?
Liz: Why, it’s impossible.
Jason: Is it?
Continue reading Episode 244: Indecent Proposal