Tag Archives: chromakey

Episode 470: Mad Men

April 1968, Gordon Russell, , , , , , , , ,

“This painting can’t be in the house. I was responsible for bringing it here, and I am going to dispose of it.”

It’s another dark and stormy night in the great house at Collinwood, and Victoria Winters, girl governess, is creeping around the house in her nightgown, eavesdropping on people. As she approaches the closed drawing room doors, she hears Roger speaking to someone. This is what you do when you live at Collinwood — you walk the perimeter, and check on the inmates. It’s a survival skill.

As usual, there’s something unearthly going on in the drawing room — Roger is being hypnotized by an oil painting, and when he flings open the doors to confront the interloper, he believes that he’s Joshua Collins, an ancestor from the 18th century. Lord knows what everyone else is getting up to. This could be contagious, you never know.

Continue reading Episode 470: Mad Men →

Episode 449: Something Nasty in the Woodshed

March 1968, Sam Hall, , , , , , ,

“Strange things may happen. Ignore them.”

This week, Joshua Collins has learned that his dead son, Barnabas, has returned from the grave as a vicious undead serial killer, and he’s made a vow to do something about it. And this is how desperate Joshua has become — he’s willing to suggest a team-up with the Countess Natalie Du Prés, who he doesn’t even like that much.

But things have become pretty flexible, here in the dying days of the 1795 storyline.  They don’t have a lot of characters left, what with all the dying, so it’s hard to even get a decent bridge game going, much less a ritual of summoning.

So suddenly Natalie has the power to pray to a candle, sending out a psychic distress call to attract any passing occult-identified day-players. This is why we have a migrant witches problem.

Continue reading Episode 449: Something Nasty in the Woodshed →

Episode 438: Drag Me to Hell

February 1968, Sam Hall, , , , , , , ,

“What really upsets you is the fact that you chose the losing side in this battle between the Almighty and the forces of Evil!”

At the top of today’s episode, vampire recluse Barnabas Collins asks his servant for an update on current events. Ben says that he was at Vicki’s witchcraft trial today, and stayed late to hear the verdict.

Barnabas pauses, and says, “I don’t like the expression on your face, Ben.”

Look, dude, you’ve had just as much time as the rest of us to get used to the look on Ben’s face. It’s a bit late in the day for constructive criticism in that department.

Continue reading Episode 438: Drag Me to Hell →

Episode 411: Other People’s Blood

Gordon Russell, January 1968, , , , , , , ,

“That’s what happened to me, isn’t it? I was in that coffin because I was dead.”

It always starts with a box.

The local nobility are up to their usual tricks — keeping secrets, shooting each other, sleeping with the help, generally making a nuisance of themselves — and it comes back to haunt them, as it always does.

So here we are, opening another mystery box, and something terrible is loosed upon the world again, for the first time.

Continue reading Episode 411: Other People’s Blood →

Episode 400: Playing with Fire

January 1968, Ron Sproat, , , , , , , ,

“Victoria Winters, your name is now known to fire!”

So here’s a way that you could open your TV show: start with a long scene of a witch chatting with her homemade tarot deck, as she assembles a house of cards in real time.

“It’s been a long time, hasn’t it,” Angelique says, “since I’ve had work for you. You must see each other face to face, and watch that each of you obeys my least command.”

She’s always giving little pep talks to her props like this. It’s sweet, and it encourages them to stay engaged in the process. Also, she doesn’t have any friends.

Continue reading Episode 400: Playing with Fire →

Episode 386: Make Like a Tree

December 1967, Gordon Russell, , , , ,

“I am defending the right of this girl to be judged innocent until she is proved innocent!”

In the Salem witch trials in 1692, the case for the prosecution mostly relied on what they called “spectral evidence”, which means basically that they believed whatever the screaming girls said. Other techniques included the “touch test” — i.e., having the witch touch a screaming girl, to see if she stops screaming — and looking for a “witch’s teat”, which is just as grim as it sounds.

But you know what they didn’t do in Salem, or in any other witch trial in history? They didn’t tie the accused witch to a tree and leave her there overnight, expecting that the tree would be dead by morning.

They didn’t use this technique for two reasons. For one thing, it’s pretty unlikely that the tree would hold up its end of the bargain. The other reason is that it’s a completely bonkers thing to do, even by the generally loose standards of witch trial sanity.

I’m bringing this up because Dark Shadows is a daytime soap opera, and so obviously a discussion of the Puritan justice system is going to come up at some point. Continue reading Episode 386: Make Like a Tree →

Episode 381: Runaway Bride

December 1967, Gordon Russell, , , , , , , ,

“I believe you can do anything — and the meaner it is, the better you can do it.”

So there we were, all set up for the big royal wedding — Barnabas, the young prince of the wealthy and powerful Collins family, marrying Josette du Prés, the ravishing heiress of the Martinique sugar plantations. Young and beautiful and desperately in love, embarking together on their life’s journey.

And then, at the last moment, the bride runs off with the groom’s uncle, which is pretty much the exact reason why you need to hire a competent wedding planner. Have we learned nothing from reality TV?

Continue reading Episode 381: Runaway Bride →

Episode 340: Dave Woodard Must Die

October 1967, Ron Sproat, , , , , , , ,

“He will beg for death. Death will be a mercy.”

It always starts with a box.

Someone is always too greedy, or too curious, or too clever. They go looking for trouble, and they find it. They open the mystery box, and evil is loosed upon the world. And they don’t even clean up after themselves, which is just typical, isn’t it?

Barnabas and Julia go to her room to find the notes that she’s been keeping on her experiments, and they find that Dr. Woodard’s already been there. He’s pried open the lock, and stolen Julia’s notebook, and now somebody is going to have to do something terrible.

Continue reading Episode 340: Dave Woodard Must Die →

Episode 331: Bat’s Entertainment

October 1967, Ron Sproat, , , ,

“Cousin Barnabas hates me. He sent the bat because he wants me to die.”

So here’s a quick rundown of Barnabas Collins’ known vampire abilities. To start with, we know that he’s very strong, because he smashed through the window of Dr. Woodard’s office and trashed the place, and he can appear in upper story bedrooms without using the stairs. There’s the ever-present threatening dognoise, and he’s also got extra-strength dognoise, which he uses when he really wants to make an impression.  He can make people hear a pounding heartbeat, he can make his portrait’s eyes flash, and he may also have some scattered weather-related effects.

And then Friday’s episode added a couple more tricks to his resume. Barnabas needs to discredit young David, who’s telling everyone that his cousin has a coffin in his basement. So now there’s a huge bat flying into David’s room, and acting like it owns the place.

Now, to be precise about this, it’s not clear whether Barnabas turned himself into a bat, or if he has access to some freelance bats who are available to terrorize children on a contract basis.

Continue reading Episode 331: Bat’s Entertainment →

Episode 327: David vs the Goldfish People

Gordon Russell, September 1967, ,

“Why should he be afraid of a harmless piece of jewelry?”

Yesterday, Julia was just minding her own business in the drawing room, trying to hypnotize David into forgetting that his cousin is a vampire. But he recognized her medallion from the prophetic dream that he had the night before, and he ran out of the room screaming.

Shocked, Elizabeth says, “Miss Hoffman, I hope you can explain all of this,” but there’s not much to explain. All Julia has to do is show them the medallion, and David freaks out again. He gets sent to his room. End of story.

So it turns out that it’s super easy to terrorize a child. This show is like a how-to manual on gaslighting ten-year-olds. I can’t wait to try it; somebody get me a ten-year-old.

Continue reading Episode 327: David vs the Goldfish People →