Tag Archives: self-sabotage

Episode 734: The Tragedy of Tim

April 1969, Sam Hall, ,

“Children are animals, but with one important difference.”

The schoolteacher sighs. “Ah, Jamison, why?” he says to a recalcitrant pupil. “Why did you do this? To hand in a blank sheet of paper… I know that you knew some of the spelling words, and the mathematical sums really were very simple.”

It’s a sad moment, but not because of Jamison. I mean, if the mathematical sums are really that simple, then I’m sure he’ll pick it up somewhere. Jamison will be fine.

The problem is Mr. Timothy Shaw, the mild, fussy tutor at Trask’s malevolent punishment school. Tim is played by werewolf teen idol Don Briscoe, who used to be the hottest thng on the show, breaking new ground in afternoon sex appeal by regularly tearing off his shirt on camera.

They spent all winter building Don up as a tormented bad boy serial killer, and then when the 1897 story started — nothing, for two months. He just disappeared from the show.

This week is his return, and it’s a damp squib if I ever saw one. His shirt is buttoned all the way up to his chin, and he’s got wire rim Benjamin Franklin spectacles.

And worst of all, as far as the young set is concerned, he’s scolding a child about not doing his math homework. This feels like deliberate sabotage of a once-rising star.

So it looks like it’s time for another round of our backstage guessing game: Did He Fall, or Was He Pushed?

Continue reading Episode 734: The Tragedy of Tim →

Episode 709: Forget You

March 1969, Sam Hall, , , , , ,

“What would her spirit be doing wearing a glove?”

At the end of yesterday’s episode, Barnabas finally drew a line in the sand.

“YOU have the will, Quentin!” he said to Quentin, who did.

“I will leave you now,” he continued, raising several eyebrows. “There’s only one thing that you have to decide in the next hour — how to give it back. Because if you don’t — I will have to do something about it. Something drastic!” And then he walked out the door.

So David can suck it, I guess, is the current attitude of the program.

Continue reading Episode 709: Forget You →

Episode 606: The Late Mrs. Collins

October 1968, Ron Sproat, , , , , , ,

“Your hatred for me could never be as strong as mine is for you.”

Fictional characters, if you want a quiet life, listen up: Stop declaring your arch-enemies out loud.

It’s difficult, I know. You’re out for a stroll along the Reichenbach Falls, idly juggling a lightsaber with your two working hands and thinking about Gwen Stacy, your totally alive girlfriend, when all of a sudden, there he is — the One Who Must Not Be Named, waxing his mustache with Kryptonite and standing next to a sign that says Rabbit Season.

You draw back with a gasp, and the words spring unbidden to your lips — Aha, it is you, we meet again! The battle is joined. If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine. I tawt I taw a puddy tat. And so on.

This is the moment. Take a breath. Remember your training.

And then you say, “Hi there. Have we met? I’m sorry, I am just terrible with names.”

Continue reading Episode 606: The Late Mrs. Collins →

Episode 458: Don’t Love Me

Gordon Russell, March 1968, , , , , , ,

“There was so very little meaning to our lives before tonight — and now there’s none. We exist, that’s all.”

Naomi runs into the house, and flies into Joshua’s arms. “I saw him,” she gasps. “He’s like an animal!”

She’s just come from the garden, where she saw her dead son bite his cousin Millicent on the neck. “Barnabas…” she cries. “Why didn’t you tell me? Why?”

Now, here’s the thing that she doesn’t say: “Help! Millicent is being attacked. Let’s all run outside and help her.” She doesn’t even mention Millicent until sentence five, at which point Joshua says, “Millicent — My God!” and rushes out to find her.

I mean, I get that Naomi’s upset — who wouldn’t be, under the circumstances — but she’s burying the lead here, to the detriment of grievously wounded family members. Can somebody remind me why we like her again?

Continue reading Episode 458: Don’t Love Me →

Episode 420: The Stalking Dead

February 1968, Gordon Russell, , , , ,

“I don’t care about those things that I can’t understand.”

Okay, everybody, please take your seats; Barnabas Collins is looking up.

“Why doesn’t she come to the window?” he says, in thinks. “I must see her one more time before she leaves. One more time!”

Barnabas is trying to avoid Josette, but as usual, he isn’t trying very hard. He knows that if he sees her, he won’t be able to resist biting her and turning her into his vampire bride, and on the whole that’s probably not something that a gentleman ought to do. But if he could just see her One more time!

He’s not good with the portion control, is what I’m saying. It’s not his strong area.

Continue reading Episode 420: The Stalking Dead →

Episode 404: Oh My God, Vicki Is an Idiot

January 1968, Ron Sproat, , , , ,

“Miss Winters has come from Boston, and she was found — she was brought up in a foundling home.”

Phew, we made it! It’s been a long four hundred and four episodes, but we’re here at last. Our long national nightmare is over. Victoria Winters, girl governess, is finally behind bars where she belongs.

Continue reading Episode 404: Oh My God, Vicki Is an Idiot →

Episode 269: Loving the Monster

July 1967, Malcolm Marmorstein, , , , , ,

“You’re doing a wrong thing!”

Comforting thoughts, courtesy of Dark Shadows: Any time you think you’re having a run of bad luck, think of Elizabeth at this moment. She’s being blackmailed into marrying a man that she despises, and the only way out is to throw herself off the cliff at the top of Widows’ Hill. And who shows up to talk her down off the ledge? Her screeching, judgemental, charm-free governess, Victoria Winters.

But I’m sure it’ll work out, because there’s no sense of real threat here. I don’t care how many times Liz walks up to the edge; there’s not a single person in the audience who honestly believes that she’s going to jump. Even if you don’t watch a lot of soap operas, anybody can spot this as a narrative dead end. It’s just not going to happen.

So, for me, the real question is: Why do I love this show so much, when I can’t stand the main character?

Continue reading Episode 269: Loving the Monster →

Episode 249: That Room with Those Things

June 1967, Malcolm Marmorstein, ,

“This is what you wanted, and you’re having it.”

Okay, you remember when Carolyn decided that she was going to get the key to the locked room in the basement? Well, that was exactly four weeks ago, and since then the story has not progressed a single step.

We’re going to learn a lot about suspense today. Specifically, we’re going to learn how to not generate it.

Continue reading Episode 249: That Room with Those Things →