Episode 606: The Late Mrs. Collins

“Your hatred for me could never be as strong as mine is for you.”

Fictional characters, if you want a quiet life, listen up: Stop declaring your arch-enemies out loud.

It’s difficult, I know. You’re out for a stroll along the Reichenbach Falls, idly juggling a lightsaber with your two working hands and thinking about Gwen Stacy, your totally alive girlfriend, when all of a sudden, there he is — the One Who Must Not Be Named, waxing his mustache with Kryptonite and standing next to a sign that says Rabbit Season.

You draw back with a gasp, and the words spring unbidden to your lips — Aha, it is you, we meet again! The battle is joined. If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine. I tawt I taw a puddy tat. And so on.

This is the moment. Take a breath. Remember your training.

And then you say, “Hi there. Have we met? I’m sorry, I am just terrible with names.”

606 dark shadows barnabas angelique nemesis

The thing you don’t do is look them in the eye, and say, “I will never be rid of you, will I? As long as I live, you will exist to torment me.”

I mean, that’s just asking for trouble, really. You’re setting yourself up for an endless series of rematches.

So here’s today’s iteration of the eternal kaiju battle between ex-vampire Barnabas Collins and his ex-wife, Angelique.

606 dark shadows barnabas angelique matter

Barnabas has actually been free from his vampire curse for about seven months, thanks to a mad science experiment that turned out to be a narrative dead end. Everybody in the audience knows the show as the story of “the reluctant vampire, Barnabas Collins,” but by this point, he’s been human for about as long as we ever knew him as a vampire.

It’s a weird choice, really. The show was drifting gently towards cancellation, and adding a vampire to the cast turned Dark Shadows into a huge, unexpected hit. But in order to keep him on the show as a viable long-term character, they decided to make him human, which was a reckless act of self-sabotage. They found themselves in charge of a blockbuster vampire soap opera, and promptly benched the vampire.

They’re going to have to correct that situation at some point, but meanwhile, they’ve come up with the next best thing, which is to turn Angelique into a vampire, and have Barnabas be the victim.

606 dark shadows angelique barnabas vampire

This is obvious fanservice, and I for one appreciate it tremendously. Plus, it’s only two minutes into the new status quo, and they’re already teasing us with the next obvious step:

Barnabas:  What are you planning to do?

Angelique:  Don’t you know?

Barnabas:  You’re — you’re going to make me revert to what I was.

Angelique:  Possibly.

That’s pretty much the perfect Dark Shadows response: “Possibly.” In other words, we’re making this up as we go along, and we have no idea what we’re going to do next.

606 dark shadows barnabas bitten

They’ve recently discovered the magic formula that makes the vampire storyline extra-enjoyable — having the victim struggle against the seduction. After the bite, his natural desire for self-preservation kicks in, and he desperately tries to get away — only to be lured back into the vampire’s clutches again.

That moment when the guy stops fighting and allows himself to be swept away by the pleasure of submitting to the vampire — they can basically do that forever, and the audience is going to be thrilled by it every time. Angelique has spent the last couple of months snacking on every cute boy in the cast, and now we get to see that dynamic play out with one of the show’s eternal supercouples.

606 dark shadows barnabas perfect

So Angelique says “Each time we’re together, you will need me more,” and Barnabas says, “I’ve got to get away from you!” and it’s basically perfect.

The best moment in today’s episode is when Barnabas staggers down the hall, trying to get away from the mad seductress. He gropes for the exit…

606 dark shadows barnabas angelique door

And there’s Angelique, waiting for him at the door.

When he sees her, he actually screams, “OH, NO!” which is one of the great slapstick moments of Dark Shadows. It’s the sexy live-action Droopy cartoon that you never knew you needed to see.

606 droopy wolf door

So it’s just delicious, and seriously it’s about damn time Barnabas was actually directly participating in the story again.

The really weird thing about the decision to cure the vampire and keep him on the show anyway is that they never gave him another job. He’s not a detective, or a doctor, or any of the usual professions that keep soap opera characters involved in a storyline. He’s not even that engaged with being the gay bachelor uncle dispensing advice to his young relatives.

In fact, this whole Bride of Frankenstein story has pushed Barnabas into the role of interested bystander. Julia is the mad scientist who brought the monster to life, and Professor Stokes is the Watcher who looks up the demon-hunting cheat codes in the school library. Barnabas has basically just been supervising.

Thanks to Angelique, he’s finally involved in the storyline again, and by involved I mean that he’s leaking body fluids.

606 dark shadows julia barnabas fridspeak

Now Barnabas is playing for the other team, and he has to go tell Julia and Stokes that everything is totally fine over at Nicholas’ place. His entirely convincing cover story is delivered in fluent Fridspeak.

Julia:  Barnabas, this doesn’t make any sense.

Barnabas:  Why not?

Julia:  Because we were so certain that Eve was in that house. We had proof!

Barnabas:  Well, she may have been there — Adam may have been there — but there was no indication of their having been there while I was there.

606 dark shadows barnabas normal

And then he sits down, with his cape pulled up to his ears, like you do when everything is completely and utterly fine.

606 dark shadows barnabas angelique chromakey

So they’ve figured it out, at last — a front-burner storyline where they get to use all of the marvelous narrative tricks that they’ve learned over the last year. In fact, they’re so excited about it that they have Angelique come back at the end of the episode to give Barnabas another bite.

It’s a bit of a shame that they mess up the special effect, because they’ve been doing so well with the Chromakey lately, and this shot makes it look like Angelique is part of the dwarf Stonehenge number in This Is Spinal Tap.

606 dark shadows angelique barnabas vampire bite

But who cares? They’ve got revenge, and betrayal, and seduction, and vampire bites. The show is officially back on track.

Tomorrow: In a World of Turtlenecks.

Dark Shadows bloopers to watch out for:

In the teaser, when Barnabas pulls back the blankets and sees that Eve’s bed is empty, there’s suddenly a burst of activity in the studio — people shuffling around, whispering, rustling paper, and the squeak of a chair being pushed back. It doesn’t really help to sell the “I’m unexpectedly alone in this room” vibe that they’re trying to accomplish.

In act 1, as Angelique stands up and tells Barnabas, “You’re mine,” she trips on her own gown and stumbles for a second.

Angelique smiles and stares at her reflection in the mirror. Julia established a while ago that vampires can’t be seen in mirrors, but this isn’t the first time Angelique has openly disregarded that rule.

The armchairs have moved position in the Old House drawing room since we saw them at the end of yesterday’s episode. Apparently, the late-night festivities included dragging the chairs around the room.

Professor Stokes says, “You found no sign of Adam,” and just as Barnabas begins to answer, Stokes continues, “– or Eve, none at all.”

Tomorrow: In a World of Turtlenecks.

606 droopy dog door

Dark Shadows episode guide

— Danny Horn

16 thoughts on “Episode 606: The Late Mrs. Collins

  1. I believe the first frame from the Dark Shadows ViewMaster reels is taken from this episode, a longshot from across the room of Angelique putting the bite on Barnabas. There is a spotlight on Barnabas’ face as he reacts with terror and the light also falls on the upper part of the white gown that engulfs him. To my very young eyes, it always appeared as if he were being attacked by a phantom bed sheet.

    1. Yeah, we will be discussing the ViewMaster set, probably in ridiculous detail. I’m not sure when to slot that in — probably on a recap-heavy Sproat episode when I’m desperate for something to write about.

  2. The idea of a seductress character tripping on her gown sounds like some Carol Burnett routine, especially like a “Funt and Mundane” sketch. (I’m glad Lara Parker didn’t do it completely, though.)

  3. Now, Angelique knows that she can’t turn Barnabas back into a vampire as long as Adam is around – she tried with the Dream Curse and that didn’t work. And there’s no mention of her trying to get Adam out of the way (not while Nicholas is around anyway). So it looks like she’s just playing with Barnabas to make him suffer and do her bidding. Which fits her character so I’m good.

    1. There’s something that might be a factor: the dream curse ended with a bite from a bat, that was supposed to do the trick all by itself. I can see how Adam could help Barnabas resist that, but now, Angelique is totally draining Barnabas of all his blood. It’s a lot more aggressive. Lang mentioned that Adam can die, so I think Barnabas could, too, if someone tried hard enough.
      Of course, they had no problem with adjusting what could and couldn’t happen from time to time, because they knew they were making disposable TV, that no one would ever see again. They had no idea.
      I also think that, as Cassandra, she was conflicted by love, and the whole dream curse may have been sort of half hearted. Nicholas said she’d lost her touch.
      Now that she’s a vampire, she’s not messing around, which might make a difference.

      1. I know we all hafta just suspend reality and accept DS’s attempts at logical reasoning as they are. But Dr. Lane’s cure for vampirism– creating a Frankenstein-type monster and transferring the vampire’s life force into it– it just … it’s quite an imperfect cure, right?

        Do they and will they always feel one another’s pain, or any when they’re near to death? IIRC, Barnabas felt nothing after Adam jumped from Widow’s Hill, mangling himself into near “blob monster” status… and yet he felt Adam’s throat being squeezed by the ghost of Danielle’s lover.

        So I forget if it is to be expected that Adam, in Nicholas’s presence, will feel Angelique attacking Barnabas?

    2. Angelique screws up Barnabas head every time. It is so funny. He just can’t believe she keeps popping up to his detriment. He is kind of safe because of the Adam situation but he should just go ahead and tell Julia.

  4. Just noticed something here — after Angelique bites Barnabas, it looks as if he has three fang-bite marks on his neck. Did Angelique have an extra fang, or did she just somehow do an extra bite in a different spot?

  5. Nicholas’ super-duper hypno power;
    did that just recently get granted from Diabolos? (And by Diabolos, I mean the writers, of course.)
    Because I can think of a few earlier times it could have been used. For instance, he could have used it on Joe and Maggie much sooner than he did, just make Maggie think she has always been in love with him, and make Joe move to New York City, come out of the closet, and become a soap opera actor.
    He wouldn’t have needed to have Adam threatening Julia and Barnabas, either; in fact, Nicholas doesn’t even need Angelique, he could have everybody jumping like puppets, just like he did with Jeff a couple episodes back. One quick brainwash, suddenly Jeff is Nicholas’ best friend\bar buddy!

    (Hmm, a “guys’ night out” over at Nicky’s place, with a cosy fire, and Jeff, Joe, and the Jennings twins…)

    Sorry, got lost for a second. What was I saying? Oh, oh yeah.

    Wonder why Nicholas didn’t get to use his megapowers, since later (I mean earlier (I think)) Count Petofi plays quite similar trance tricks on the normals.

    And I especially wonder why (OH WHY), when he had that miserable Harry Johnson in his power, Nick didn’t make him go stand on the railroad tracks.

  6. Hooray! Dognoise is back! I’ve missed it along with convenient rooster and other signs of vampire activity in the neighbourhood. Dark and stormy night anyone?

  7. Thank God for Angelique turning this floundering ship back on course. She is so beautiful! I love her gown too. It reminds me very much of Samantha Stephens’ flying suit.

    I’ve also decided a great drinking game would be a shot every time a character says a variation on “We must!” You’d be drunk EVERY episode!

  8. “And then he sits down, with his cape pulled up to his ears, like you do when everything is completely and utterly fine.”

    This was one of the MANY times I laughed out loud from your synopses. You have a gift for articulating the absurdities in a most hilarious way.

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