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Episode 478: What Dreams May Come

April 1968, Gordon Russell, , , , , , ,

“Through sight and sound, and faceless terror…”

It’s been a little over a year since Dark Shadows opened the mystery box, letting a vampire loose and transforming this relatively aimless show into a bubbling cauldron of visual spectacle and lunatic plot contrivances. One of the most remarkable changes is the pace of the show, which used to just drift from day to day, with long sequences of characters telling each other how worried they are about something.

But not anymore. Yesterday, for example, the episode ended with Barnabas falling asleep in a chair, and dreaming about his ex-wife making a promotional announcement about the upcoming story direction. Continuing this rocket sled to adventure in today’s episode, we’re going to watch Maggie fall asleep, too.

We’re going to see a lot of this over the next couple months. I guess making Dark Shadows is exhausting; everyone’s taking afternoon naps.

Continue reading Episode 478: What Dreams May Come →

Episode 440: The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Vampires

March 1968, Sam Hall, , , ,

“You don’t know what you’re saying! The horror of that hand!”

In yesterday’s episode, vampire-about-town Barnabas Collins was down at the docks, looking for a bite to eat. He was just about to feed on streetwalker Maude Browning, but she screamed and fought him off, and it attracted attention. He scrambled away, leaving behind his signature silver wolf’s head cane.

So Barnabas needs to learn one of the fundamental rules of crime: If you’re going to go out and attack people, leave your identifiable accessories at home. This is no time for expressing your individuality; you need to be able to blend. This is why hipsters can’t be criminals.

Continue reading Episode 440: The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Vampires →

Episode 431: The Catcher in the Rye

February 1968, Sam Hall, , ,

“What have I to look forward to, if the sight of me fills anyone that I love with terror?”

Okay, it’s Monday, and time for another Dark Shadows course-correction.

Three months ago, the DS writers were faced with a huge story problem: The new vampire character was an enormous hit, but that storyline was clearly heading towards a conclusion, with nothing left to do but expose and destroy the vampire. Then, in an unbelievable example of inspiration fueled by desperation, they sent Vicki back in time to 1795, letting the audience witness the vampire’s secret-origin backstory.

And now we’ve completed that three-month mission. We know the whole story of Barnabas’ curse, and how little Sarah died, and why Josette threw herself off a cliff. On Friday, Barnabas tried to call Josette back from the grave, until he found out that she doesn’t really look super appealing post-cliff-dive, which pretty much puts a period at the end of that sentence.

Unfortunately, that means that the writers are back where they started, as far as a Barnabas storyline is concerned. He’s a lonely vampire again, and Josette — his only reason for existing — is lost to him forever. So then what?

Continue reading Episode 431: The Catcher in the Rye →

Episode 399: Hide and Seek

January 1968, Ron Sproat, , ,

“Please, allow this man to come here and perform his mumbo-jumbo, so that we can keep peace in this family.”

Yesterday, witch-vixen Angelique sent her unwilling henchman, Ben, to steal a hair ribbon from Abigail Collins, the twisted spinster who’s pretty much the last person you want to get caught stealing a hair ribbon from, if you plan on experiencing a single quiet moment in the next twelve months. So guess what happened.

Now, Ben doesn’t appear in today’s episode, so we can’t see what’s happening to him. Instead, we’ve got Angelique standing in the Old House drawing room, staring into space. “They caught Ben,” she reports. “He hasn’t completed my mission. He almost said my name.”

She shudders, and adds, “But he did say one word before I could stop him… Witch.” Ben is apparently live tweeting his interrogation.

Continue reading Episode 399: Hide and Seek →

Episode 310: Ghostbusted

Ron Sproat, September 1967, ,

“I think I see something… A shape! And I know what it means!”

Willie’s up on a ladder, cleaning the chandelier in the Old House drawing room, when he suddenly sees someone standing at the window. He rushes to the window, shouting, “Hey! Hey, you!”

Then he bolts outside, calling, “Where are ya?”

Roused by the clamor, Barnabas follows him outside.

Barnabas:  Willie, who are you shouting at?

Willie:  Her! Sarah! She was standing right here, at the window.

Barnabas:  Well, she’s not here now.

Willie:  I know! When I shouted at her, she disappeared!

Barnabas:  Disappeared?

Willie:  Yeah, she disappeared — right into thin air!

That gets a little “surprise” dramatic sting, which leads into the opening titles. Except how much of a surprise could it be, when everyone in the scene already knows that Sarah is a ghost? Of course she disappeared. Did you think you’d find her crouching behind a tree? That’s not how ghosts work.

Continue reading Episode 310: Ghostbusted →

Episode 289: That Hoffman Woman

August 1967, Malcolm Marmorstein, , , , ,

“I’m all right. Just call me Miss Jitters of 1967.”

Okay, you’re not going to believe this, but today’s episode of Dark Shadows begins with Victoria Winters looking out the window. There’s a storm outside, and when the lightning flashes, she starts, as if she’s seen something upsetting. Then she walks over to her bedside table and opens that damn music box again. Then Carolyn comes in, and they talk about the music box, and the weather, and then we cut to Barnabas standing outside, staring up at Vicki’s window.

In other words: This is a mash-up of the beginning of every episode from the last five days. It’s like they realized during the dress rehearsal that they’d forgotten to write the first act, so they just tore a page out of all the other scripts this week and now we have to watch it.

Continue reading Episode 289: That Hoffman Woman →

Episode 286: Slumber Party

July 1967, Ron Sproat, , , ,

“He never intended for her to die. Only to live.”

At the end of today’s episode, Barnabas is going to sneak into the room where Vicki’s sleeping, and lean over to bite her. I know, spoiler warning, but seriously it’s the only possible ending that this episode could have.

There’s a storm outside, Vicki is stuck at the Old House, and Barnabas has invited her to sleep in Josette’s room. What do you think is going to happen, they’re going to start a fantasy baseball league? Please.

Continue reading Episode 286: Slumber Party →

Episode 274: The Bachelor

July 1967, Malcolm Marmorstein,

“Wherever I am, I’ll be laughing at you, Vicki Winters, and don’t you forget it.”

In the Old House drawing room, Willie is lighting some candles as Barnabas comes downstairs.

“You’ve been up there a long time,” Willie says.

Barnabas replies, “I wasn’t aware of time.”

Then the guy who wasn’t aware of time looks out of the window, and says, “The sun sets, and the sun rises. If only night could become eternal, the blackness with us always.”

In other words: Ladies and gentlemen, will you please put your hands together and welcome back our returning champion, Barnabas Collins!

Continue reading Episode 274: The Bachelor →

Episode 264: Unconscience

June 1967, Malcolm Marmorstein, ,

“This has the terrible sound of a family disintegrating.”

Happy birthday, Dark Shadows! Today’s episode aired on June 29, 1967, which is just a couple days past the show’s first anniversary. It’s an exciting milestone, because until very recently, it looked like the show was going to get cancelled at the end of the first year. The ratings were declining, and they’d never been that great in the first place. The end seemed inevitable.

And then they introduced a vicious, psychotic madman to the show, and America fell in love. Dark Shadows was renewed, and now they have the interesting problem of coming up with a new storyline for the undead creature that they never intended to keep around for this long.

This episode takes the first steps toward a new direction for Barnabas. When we saw him last, he was the vicious monster relentlessly pursuing Maggie through underground tunnels, determined to end her life.

But that was three days ago. Today, he’s… something else.

Continue reading Episode 264: Unconscience →