Monthly Archives: January 2015

Episode 566: The Hangover

August 1968, Gordon Russell, , ,

“The howling of these dogs, that’s what’s wrong.”

So the score, at press time, is Vampires 5, Humans 1.

This month has seen an astonishing comeback for the Vampires, a team that suffered a devastating setback in May when their star player, Barnabas Collins, was benched after being cured by a mad scientist.

But two weeks ago, another rising star came out of nowhere. Angelique, who’d formerly played for the Salem Witches, was traded to the vampires by her manager, and she’s been biting people at a rate that we’ve never seen before in the history of the sport. She’s got Joe as a blood slave, and she’s turned Tom into a vampire, and just in the last week we’ve seen five on-screen vampire bites — seven, if you count reprises. The only human who got away unscathed was the Deputy from a couple weeks ago, and that was with an assist from Nicholas.

Continue reading Episode 566: The Hangover →

Another New Beginning (Bloodlust)

2015, Alan Flanagan, Joe Lidster, Will Howells, ,

“We all know the supernatural is real and dangerous, and it’s time to do something about it.”

EVIL! That’s what’s here. You must leave this place! There is no peace for you here. The dead must rest!

Sorry, I’m having a little flare-up of my sudden-onset Caretaker’s Syndrome. While I’ve been going about my business in August 1968, an irresponsible troupe of time-travelers has been fooling around with the seals and sigils, recklessly summoning a fresh nightmare into our world.

Continue reading Another New Beginning (Bloodlust) →

Episode 565: Weird Science

August 1968, Sam Hall, , , ,

“Now, I want you to try to keep making some sense out of this.”

Okay, so here’s a weird story:

A race against time at Collinwood, for night has come, and with it, a new threat — the rising of a new vampire. One man has risked his life, and his reputation, to end the vampire’s career before it can start.

Usually, I don’t pay much attention to the opening voiceover, but today’s is practically surreal. He risked his reputation? What does that mean? And since when do vampires have careers?

Continue reading Episode 565: Weird Science →

Episode 564: Dig Dug

August 1968, Sam Hall, , ,

“We’re not robbing a grave, Willie. We’re dealing with an enemy.”

I know, everybody’s got their own problems, and when there’s an immediate crisis in your life, you tend to put off the long-term thinking, and just focus on what’s in front of you.

Still, I think that if your planned evening of grave-robbing is interrupted by an urgent need to go on a completely unrelated grave-robbing excursion — that is the moment that you need to stop and re-evaluate.

Continue reading Episode 564: Dig Dug →

Episode 562: He’s Just Not That Into Being Supernaturally Controlled By You

August 1968, Ron Sproat, , , , , ,

“I don’t love you. I love Maggie Evans. I don’t even know you.”

Oh, it’s the same old story. You invite a guy over, you spend the night together, there’s an exchange of body fluids, and the next day, he doesn’t even want to see you anymore.

Joe Haskell looks out the window at the approaching dusk. “It’ll be dark soon,” he thinks, “and she’ll want me to go to her. I’ve got to resist her. I’ve got to!”

Spoiler alert: He doesn’t resist her.

Continue reading Episode 562: He’s Just Not That Into Being Supernaturally Controlled By You →

Episode 561: The Big Sleep

August 1968, Ron Sproat, , , ,

“Don’t try to understand. Just submit to your needs, as I do.”

He should’ve known the dame was trouble when she opened the door.

“Please come to my house at seven,” the note said. Joe Haskell had just met Mr. Blair the night before, and didn’t like him much, but he was curious about the invite, so he came. He thought he’d get an apology, or an explanation, or at the very least a drink.

Instead, he found a blonde. A blonde that would make a vampire bite his way through a garlic-soaked casket in the middle of the afternoon.

Continue reading Episode 561: The Big Sleep →

Episode 560: Messing Around with Dead People

August 1968, Ron Sproat

“I can’t stay around here while this thing is happening. It’s just too horrible.”

One of the rules of Dark Shadows is that there’s always something terrible happening in the Old House basement. The details change — it could be a vampire sleeping in a coffin, or a dead girl singing a nursery rhyme, or a patchwork corpse monster chained to the wall — but there’s always some kind of nightmare taking shape there, down among the dead men.

“Woe unto them,” as they say in the Book of Isaiah, “that seek deep to hide their counsel from the Lord, and their works are in the dark, and they say, Who seeth us? and who knoweth us?” It’s like Isaiah knew Barnabas and Julia personally; that is exactly what they do.

Today, it’s Willie’s turn to say “Whoa” unto them. Let’s see how far that gets him.

Continue reading Episode 560: Messing Around with Dead People →

Episode 559: Everything You Deserve

August 1968, Gordon Russell, , ,

“I specialize in human relations.”

Also, Nicholas is in love with Maggie.

Sorry to spring it on you like that, but it’s that kind of storyline. Nicholas Blair is some kind of evil wizard man, and so far we haven’t had any indication that he’s looking for a girlfriend. In fact, he’s been mocking Angelique relentlessly for having human emotions. And yet, here we are.

It’s not at all clear why Nicholas has chosen Maggie, either. He seems to have fallen in love at first sight, during a chance encounter at Collinwood. Maggie’s very pretty and very nice, but they don’t have anything in common. I’m not even sure that he’s human. He might as well fall in love with a puppy.

But there are four pretty girls on the show, and three of them already have a storyline, which leaves Maggie at a loose end. She’s got a dull job, she’s happily engaged to Joe, her alcoholic father has died, and it’s been a year since she was kidnapped by anybody. If Nicholas needs a human weakness, then it might as well be Maggie, I suppose.

Continue reading Episode 559: Everything You Deserve →

Episode 558: The Long, Hot Summer

August 1968, Gordon Russell, ,

“He may be eccentric or mysterious at times, but I don’t think he’s evil.”

They taught him how to speak. They taught him how to read. They taught him table manners. They taught him to fear the police. They even taught him what “kissing” means.

But they totally forgot to teach him about right and wrong, which turns out to be kind of important. Oops!

Continue reading Episode 558: The Long, Hot Summer →