Episode 248: Damsel in This Dress

June 1967, Ron Sproat, , , , , , ,

“Every time something happens around here, there’s always a dog hanging around!”

Previously, on Dark Shadows: Huge awesome surprise cliffhanger, with the kidnapped and mostly-hypnotized Maggie sneaking out of the Old House, and showing up right outside her father’s window.

Today, the still-surprising but mostly-confusing resolution: All of a sudden, Maggie is wandering around in the Eagle Hill cemetery. Which means they’re really just making this up as they go along, just like Lost and The Hunger Games.

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Episode 247: I’m Someone Else

June 1967, Malcolm Marmorstein, , , , , , ,

“No, I can’t be Josette Collins. I’m someone else.”

It’s been two months since we were introduced to Barnabas Collins, and we’ve gotten to know a lot about him, including his hobbies, his diet and his refreshingly straightforward approach to dating.

But you can’t say that you really know a guy until you’ve seen the dungeon in his basement. That’s gonna happen today.

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Episode 245: Tragic Malady

Joe Caldwell, June 1967, , , , ,

“This is gonna be soft and soothing. And you’re gonna listen to it, and you’re not going to hear anything.”

Here’s today’s supervillain human resources moment: Barnabas has promised Dr. Woodard a sample of Willie’s blood. I guess it’s basically the same concept as a mandatory drug test, but Willie’s taking it pretty hard; he’s shaking and sweating and begging Barnabas to reconsider. The doctor saw a “skirmish” going on in Maggie’s vampire-infected blood, and Willie’s convinced that his blood will reveal the same thing.

Now, I’ve seen television before in my life, so the fact that Barnabas is clearly not concerned about the situation means that he probably has some kind of plan in mind.

The interesting question is: Who are we supposed to be rooting for?

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Episode 244: Indecent Proposal

June 1967, Malcolm Marmorstein, ,

“Thank you anyway, for whatever it is you were trying to tell me.”

Yesterday, Jason told Liz that they’re going to get married. You can tell that this is a dramatic situation, because there are a lot of follow-up questions.

Liz:  You can’t be serious.

Jason:  Can’t I?

Liz:  Why, it’s impossible.

Jason:  Is it?

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Episode 243: Blood Drive

May 1967, Ron Sproat, ,

“How odd. Graveyards don’t fascinate most people.”

So here’s another totally normal thing that doctors do: show up at your door and ask for a blood sample. Yesterday, somebody broke into Dr. Woodard’s office and stole Maggie’s blood tests, so now he has nothing to do but go and see if anyone else has some spare blood lying around.

Woodard shows up at the Old House, and Willie recognizes him as the doctor who came to visit when he was sick last month. The doctor asks if he can examine Willie’s wounds again, and then casually drops, “Oh, and I’d also like to get a sample of your blood, for my records.”

For a doctor, Dave Woodard seems to have a lot of time on his hands; I can hardly get mine to call in a prescription refill.

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Episode 242: A Mystery in Science

May 1967, Ron Sproat, , ,

“Now, look here. There is no such thing as a mystery in science.”

You think you’re having a hard day? Try being Dr. Woodard for a minute. He made several house calls, examined the patient, asked questions, ran tests, played with his glasses and organized an impromptu blood transfusion. Then his patient was kidnapped right out of the hospital, and he doesn’t even have a diagnosis.

And now Burke comes into the office — without an appointment, thank you — and demands answers. This is what health care used to be like, just everybody scolding each other.

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Episode 241: Mrs. Snuffleupagus

Malcolm Marmorstein, May 1967, , , , , , ,

“Why do you say my name in such a curious fashion?”

Last week, David found Maggie, the Local Girl who has Mysteriously Disappeared, at his cousin Barnabas’ house, dressed up like the dead ancestor that he considers his closest friend. Yup, just the same old thing.

Maggie pauses on the stairs, and David runs up to the bannister, yelling, “Josette, it’s me! It’s me, David! David Collins!” Okay, kid, it’s you; why are you screaming at me? You’re like six inches away.

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Episode 240: Open House

May 1967, Ron Sproat, ,

“No, I didn’t see anybody. But that’s why it must be her.”

Two days ago, Vicki took herself on an unauthorized tour of the Old House, with stops at the drawing room, Josette’s bedroom, and points north. She tells young David that she saw Josette’s portrait, which she knows he’s been dying to see. Then she sends him out to play, saying, “I don’t want you to go near the Old House — you’re not to pester your cousin anymore!”

Like all ten-year-olds, David has an instinctive hypocrisy detector, so naturally he ignores her and makes a beeline for the Old House. He peers in the window, and sees Maggie wearing Josette’s dress, crossing the drawing room with the music box in her hand. Then the front door opens by itself, and he rushes inside to see Josette.

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Episode 239: Local Girl Mysteriously Disappears

May 1967, Ron Sproat,

“You’re very fond of it, aren’t you? Do you know why? Because I gave it to you.”

So here’s the incredibly strange television show that we’re watching right now: An undead ghoul from the 18th century has risen from the grave, moved into his old house, and kidnapped a waitress from the local coffee shop. Now he’s dressing her up in his dead girlfriend’s wedding dress, and taking her out on make-believe dates.

And the only reason why the show is this weird is that Ron Sproat hasn’t had time yet to think up anything weirder.

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