Category Archives: Joe Caldwell

Episode 284: Doctor Who

“Our mistake is thinking that there are limits as to what can take place on this planet.”

Maggie’s still locked up at the Windcliff Sanitarium, recovering from her recent vampire abduction. Dr. Julia Hoffman — the noted blood specialist, psychologist and all-around smart person — is hypnotizing Maggie with a penlight, trying to bring her repressed memories to the surface.

They took a field trip to the Eagle Hill cemetery yesterday, and they found the Collins mausoleum, which triggered some frightening memories. Julia noticed that there was a grave marker for Sarah Collins in the mausoleum, and now she’s trying to learn if there’s a connection between the 10-year-old named Sarah who died in the 18th century and the little girl named Sarah who helped Maggie during her incarceration.

That is an incredible leap in logic, and I’m using the dictionary definition of “incredible”, as in: impossible to believe. Julia is going to make a lot of these intuitive leaps over the next week, making connections that no real human would ever make given the current information. And every single one of her batty conclusions is exactly correct.

Julia is therefore a completely unbelievable Sherlock Holmes type detective, who pulls insights out of the air and is right every time. And the audience loves her and believes in her anyway.

Continue reading Episode 284: Doctor Who

Episode 281: Ancestral Exercises

“I believe a lot of things, but that doesn’t prevent me from being amused by them.”

On Friday, Barnabas’ pleasant costume party was interrupted by several strange incidents — Liz felt a piercing cold, the door flew open, and a bunch of candles blew out. For some reason, everybody decided that a ghost was trying to communicate with them, rather than the obvious alternative explanation, namely: it’s windy outside and we’re in a drafty old house.

So now they’re all sitting around a table with their fingers touching, conducting an impromptu seance. Just as they’re ready to give up, Vicki starts to moan: “Run… please, faster… I must run. Don’t stop me! Don’t STOP me!”

Continue reading Episode 281: Ancestral Exercises

Episode 278: Of Course! A Costume Party!

“I have things for you to do, other than to make preposterous statements.”

Two days ago, Barnabas killed Willie’s best friend, and then grabbed Willie by the throat and made him bury the corpse in an unmarked grave. Today, Willie is helping Barnabas unpack vintage dresses from a trunk, and they’re making plans for their upcoming costume party.

This must be one of those Great Moments in Human Resources, because the improvement in Willie’s workplace environment is simply off the charts. I know that working in the service industry can be unpredictable, but that’s got to be one of the fastest turnarounds in history.

Continue reading Episode 278: Of Course! A Costume Party!

Episode 273: All These Years

“I’ve been a prisoner because of this room!”

I’ve noticed a bunch of new readers showing up on the site this week, which is fantastic, but not necessarily the best timing. This is the final week of the last non-supernatural storyline, and it’s taking a minute to wrap up. The last time we saw the vampire was over a week ago, and all he did was talk to Liz about suicide.

So, new readers — stick around! The vampire comes back tomorrow, and next week he’s going to throw a costume party. Seriously, that’s the next storyline.

Continue reading Episode 273: All These Years

Episode 272: Bourne Yesterday

“I seem to remember doing time for a certain manslaughter charge.”

Personally, I don’t watch a lot of police procedurals. In my opinion, if there’s a crime on a TV show, they should either tell us who did it, or just admit that they don’t know and stop wasting everybody’s time.

So there’s a lot that I don’t know about how a police investigation should run. But even I know enough to say that pretty much everything that they do in today’s episode is wrong, and every character who appears on screen ought to be brought up on charges, up to and including the sheriff.

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Episode 271: I Killed Paul Stoddard

“I killed Paul Stoddard, and that man was my accomplice!”

We open this week with everybody standing in a line and facing forward. On Friday, Liz interrupted her wedding with Jason to confess that she killed her first husband. Now everyone has to stay very still, because there isn’t enough room for them all to react on camera.

They don’t usually have seven characters in the same scene, and this is why. They’ve only got three cameras. They’re using one for the front of the room, one for the side, and the third is dedicated to helping us keep track of the handgun Carolyn just dropped on the floor.

Continue reading Episode 271: I Killed Paul Stoddard

Episode 270: Here Comes the Bride

“I think that’s where I’ll go for my honeymoon. I think I’ll go crazy!”

It’s the next morning, and Carolyn is rummaging in Jason’s room. Apparently, this is one of those episodes that features people rummaging. She finds a locked journal, cuts it open, and scans the pages. Then Jason enters the room, and finds her there. Rummaging is not for everyone.

But today is a happy occasion for us all, because after weeks of swimming in circles, the grand day has arrived — Elizabeth and Jason’s wedding day.

Continue reading Episode 270: Here Comes the Bride

Episode 265: Doctor Strange

“In the name of sanity, what’s going on in Maggie Evans’ blood?”

Good news: As a special treat today, we’re going to leave Collinsport and travel a hundred miles away, to a private sanitarium called either Windcliff or Wyndcliffe. (Or possibly Wyndcliff. We never see it written down, and nobody can agree on how to spell it. Someone asked the writers once, and they said they didn’t care.)

Even more good news: Maggie is now under the care of Dr. Julia Hoffman, who’s shining a penlight in her eyes and pretending to hypnotize her.

“Concentrate on the light,” she says. “Raise your right hand.” Maggie starts to move her left hand, and the doctor corrects her: “Your right hand. Raise your right hand.”

Maggie raises her right hand. “Very good,” the doctor says. “Lower your right hand.”

Which begs the question: Why doesn’t Maggie know which is her right hand? Also, what kind of voodoo medical care is this supposed to be?

Continue reading Episode 265: Doctor Strange

Episode 262: Feelin’ Gloomy

“I just don’t care. I know that I should… but I just don’t.”

Up to this point, Dark Shadows has been one of the slower-paced soap operas, which is quite an achievement given the pace of the other shows in its weight class. But they’ve started experimenting recently with new storytelling techniques, including “creating interesting characters” and “having things happen”, and so far it’s working out okay.

So this episode plays kind of a mean trick on audience members who missed yesterday’s installment. The entire episode is about characters reacting to the news of Maggie’s death.

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Episode 259: Cell Blocked

“Cracking up your car and getting your life saved can be pretty exhausting, you know.”

Okay, this is a tough one. For one thing, it’s another Liz/Jason blackmail episode, and that storyline has been getting to me lately. But the really tough thing is that I have very clear memories of this episode, which it turns out are partly false.

The way I remember it, this episode is a turning point in Liz’s relationship with Carolyn. Liz takes a big step, Carolyn is touched, and they have an emotional breakthrough. Then there’s the climactic wedding sometime next week, and after that it’s all vampires and witches, and I don’t have to deal with this boring storyline anymore.

But I think someone must have come along and tampered with these episodes since the last time I watched them, because that’s not what happens, and the wedding is still three weeks away. Three weeks!

Continue reading Episode 259: Cell Blocked