Episode 284: Doctor Who

“Our mistake is thinking that there are limits as to what can take place on this planet.”

Maggie’s still locked up at the Windcliff Sanitarium, recovering from her recent vampire abduction. Dr. Julia Hoffman — the noted blood specialist, psychologist and all-around smart person — is hypnotizing Maggie with a penlight, trying to bring her repressed memories to the surface.

They took a field trip to the Eagle Hill cemetery yesterday, and they found the Collins mausoleum, which triggered some frightening memories. Julia noticed that there was a grave marker for Sarah Collins in the mausoleum, and now she’s trying to learn if there’s a connection between the 10-year-old named Sarah who died in the 18th century and the little girl named Sarah who helped Maggie during her incarceration.

That is an incredible leap in logic, and I’m using the dictionary definition of “incredible”, as in: impossible to believe. Julia is going to make a lot of these intuitive leaps over the next week, making connections that no real human would ever make given the current information. And every single one of her batty conclusions is exactly correct.

Julia is therefore a completely unbelievable Sherlock Holmes type detective, who pulls insights out of the air and is right every time. And the audience loves her and believes in her anyway.

284 dark shadows julia smart 2

The audience always loves the smart character. We’ll happily follow a smart character through the most brazen coincidences and obvious writer cheats, for one simple reason: smart people keep the plot moving.

An open-ended narrative is always the product of an uneasy truce between the writers and the audience. We want more things to happen, more secrets revealed, more exciting plot twists. The writers want to conserve story as much as possible, because they’re afraid that they’ll run out if they give too much away.

Stupid characters are on the writers’ side, because they slow everything down. If Lois Lane finally recognizes that Clark Kent is just Superman wearing a pair of glasses, then everything changes, and they have to figure out a whole new chapter of the story. We’re supposed to believe that Lois is a whip-smart investigative reporter, but she spends decades missing the blindingly obvious news story taking place in her own life every day.

284 dark shadows watch and learn

But Julia Hoffman is not Lois Lane. She’s working overtime to get us to that next chapter, and we are grateful. Here’s how she does it.

Julia:  You have a friend, who gave you her doll to play with.

Maggie:  Yes. She’s my friend.

Julia:  What is your friend’s name?

Maggie:  Sarah. Her name is Sarah.

Julia:  But what is her last name? Does she have a last name?

Maggie clams up, so Julia tries a different approach.

Julia:  Yesterday, we were in the cemetery, and we had to hide. The place that we hid frightened you most of all.

She’s actually doing recap by hypnotism, a whole new form of soap opera scenecraft.

Julia:  Was there someone there who would hurt you?

Maggie:  No! Don’t hurt me!

Julia:  What was the name of the person there who would hurt you?

Maggie doesn’t respond.

Julia:  I am going to say a name. Now, listen carefully. The name is Collins.

Maggie:  Collins? No! NO!!

So that’s ten points for the spooky hypnotising blood specialist, and she advances to the next round.

284 dark shadows julia you heard me

Next, Julia sits in Dave Woodard’s office and calmly informs him that she wants him to introduce her to the Collins family as a genealogist studying the old families of New England. Naturally, he’s stunned.

By the way, fair warning: I’m going to be quoting a lot today, because I love everything that Julia says. This advisory also applies to every other episode that she ever appears in from now on.

Woodard:  But why can’t I introduce you as Dr. Julia Hoffman?

Julia:  I have my reasons.

Woodard:  Look, I know the Collins family. If they knew that you were trying to help Maggie…

Julia:  You know as well as I do that they mustn’t even know that Maggie is still alive.

Woodard:  All right, but if they realized you were trying to track down the maniac who did this to Maggie, they’d cooperate completely.

Julia:  No one must know that I have anything to do with the case. It’s the only way I can work.

This is an incredibly strange plot twist. For Dark Shadows fans, seeing Julia Hoffman at Collinwood is so familiar that it’s hard to picture how striking this must have been at the time. She’s a doctor, not a detective, and so far, there’s no connection between Windcliff and the Collins estate.

This twist comes as a complete surprise to the audience, and if you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you’ll know that “complete surprise” is pretty much the best thing that I can ever say. The whole point of television is to surprise people.

284 dark shadows julia unearthly

Woodard agrees to this lunatic plan, mostly because he’s caught off guard; he never considered what he would say if this kind of thing ever came up.

Then they have the most amazing conversation.

Woodard: You’re going to have to let me ask you one more question.

Julia:  What is it?

Woodard:  Julia, we both know that Maggie’s case is far from the ordinary.

Julia:  Yes.

Woodard:  Exactly how far from the ordinary is it?

Julia:  I don’t know what you mean.

He points out that they’ve both used the term “unearthly” in their speculations about Maggie’s case. Julia says that “unearthly” was the wrong word.

Julia:  Nothing that happens on Earth can be termed unearthly. Our mistake is thinking that there are limits as to what can take place on this planet.

Woodard:  But there are limits to what a rational man can accept.

Julia:   I know. And I would say that in this case, those limits have to be extended considerably.

And there you go; that’s as close to a Dark Shadows mission statement as you’ll ever get.

284 dark shadows vicki julia

The next thing we see is Julia smiling and nodding as Vicki leads her on a tour of Collinwood. They’re not kidding around anymore; this storyline has places to go.

Just a few weeks ago, a plot point like “Woodard introduces Julia as a genealogist” would have taken a full week, with a day in the middle where Julia doesn’t even appear, and everybody spends the whole episode standing around and talking about her. Today, all of that boring stuff happens off-screen, during a commercial break.

Vicki is thrilled to meet a genealogist because she’s obsessed with the Collins family history, and there aren’t a lot of people who are interested in discussing it with her.

Vicki:  You should talk to Barnabas Collins.

Julia:  Barnabas — oh, yes, Dr. Woodard told me. Mrs. Stoddard’s cousin.

Vicki:  Yes. He’s from England. And he knows everything there is to know about the family history, especially about the past.

Now, that is such a ridiculous line that I’m going to write it again, just to make sure you didn’t skim past it.

Vicki:  He knows everything there is to know about the family history, especially about the past.

It makes your head hurt just thinking about it. Vicki is an idiot.

284 dark shadows julia david

David comes in from playing outside, and he’s introduced to Julia. David says that he didn’t have any fun playing outside — he was hoping to see Sarah.

Julia perks up: “Sarah… Collins?”

They say no; she’s a girl from the neighborhood who David’s played with before. They don’t know her last name.

When David goes upstairs, Vicki says, “It’s sad, isn’t it? He has almost no one to play with. At times, I think he even imagines these friends of his.” Julia is struck by the idea that maybe Sarah isn’t real.

284 dark shadows julia josette

Vicki brings Julia over to the Old House, to see the renovations that Barnabas has done to bring the house back to its 18th century condition. It’s still daylight, so Barnabas isn’t around; apparently, Vicki just ignored Willie and walked right in.

Julia is very impressed, although several times she feels a strange chill that Vicki doesn’t seem to notice. They leave, but Julia says that she’s looking forward to coming back and meeting Barnabas.

284 dark shadows maggie doll julia

Wrapping up, Julia has another session with Maggie. She asks Maggie to let her hold the doll for a minute.

Julia:  We want to find out what the doll’s name is. The doll doesn’t have a name, does she? All right. We’re going to find out. Now, I want you to listen very carefully, and I want you to look at the doll very carefully, and maybe you’ll hear its name.

The first round: Julia says, “My name is… Elizabeth Collins Stoddard.” Maggie stares at the doll blankly; that name doesn’t mean anything.

Julia tries “Sarah Collins”, and Maggie recognizes Sarah as the name of her friend. Next up is “Carolyn Stoddard”, which doesn’t ring any bells.

284 dark shadows maggie reacts

Julia:  All right. Let’s keep on trying. Are you listening?

Maggie:  Yes.

Julia:  My name is… Barnabas Collins.

Maggie recoils.

Maggie:  No. Please, not that name! No!

284 dark shadows maggie julia doll

Maggie dissolves into tears. Julia rushes to her side.

Julia: All right, Maggie, it’s all right. It’s not the right name.

Maggie:  Don’t hurt me!

Julia:  Nobody’s going to hurt you, Maggie. It’s the wrong name. Here, take your doll. It’s the wrong name. It’s the wrong name!

Taking her doll, Maggie smiles again, and starts to sing “London Bridge”.

“The wrong name for the doll,” Julia says. “But the right name… for something else.”

Tomorrow: Kandor Crush.

Dark Shadows bloopers to watch out for:

The scenes with Woodard and Maggie are clearly set in Woodard’s office, which is in the Collinsport Hospital. We spend most of episode 242 in that office. Today, it’s apparently a room in Woodard’s house — he says to Julia, “Don’t you realize that every minute that she’s here — even in this house! — she’s in terrible danger?”

In the last scene, Julia tells Maggie, “I want you to look at the doll very carefully, and maybe you’ll hear its name.” Maggie responds, “Doll talk?” like she’s the Incredible Hulk.

Tomorrow: Kandor Crush.

284 dark shadows especially the past

Dark Shadows episode guide – 1967

— Danny Horn

18 thoughts on “Episode 284: Doctor Who

  1. I can’t help liking your line about how Julia “pulls insights out of the air” for one very small reason – I’m getting so tired of hearing how someone “pulls something out of their a$$”! Not so much because it’s crude, but because it’s become such a worn-out expression.

    And I especially like Julia’s line “Nothing that happens on Earth can be termed unearthly.”
    It sounds like something Charles Fort might say.

  2. I don’t think Maggie saying, “Doll talk?” is a blooper. That’s probably how it was written. She’s regressed to a child, so her speech is child-like.

    1. “I don’t think Maggie saying, ‘Doll talk?’ is a blooper. That’s probably how it was written. She’s regressed to a child, so her speech is child-like.” But none of Maggie’s dialogue in the entire rest of the episode (or recently) is that primitively childlike.

  3. I love the idea that Sarah is imaginary. I mean, I know she’s not, but really what’s crazier than two people seeing the same ghost? Two people who barely know each other sharing an imaginary friend!

  4. I’m beginning to see what you mean about Grayson Hall. The way her face moves — it’s incredible. She has more facial expressions, and more nuanced expressions, than most people do when they’re reacting to something that’s happening right in front of them in real life. Hard to believe this is the way her face moves when she’s acting. Up until now, I haven’t sat through an episode without Barnabas without going “C’mon, c’mon, when do we get back to Barnabas?” Or I do housework while I listen to the non-Barnabas characters explain the plot to each other three times. Or I just read the summary in this blog and skip the whole thing. Until now. Now I’m riveted.

  5. I can also see how the writing has picked up. A line of Dr Hoffman’s — “What was the name of that man who didn’t want to let us in?” — struck me as a sign of the improvement. It seems like a few weeks ago, they would’ve just forgotten that Willy usually guards the door and so there would’ve been no acknowledgement that it ought to be hard to get into the house, or they would’ve turned Willy’s objections into a long scene. Now they just deal with it and keep moving. Maybe it is a little unbelievable that Willy wouldn’t be pitching more of a fit as it gets closer to sunset, but the smooth way they acknowledged his presence without breaking the rhythm seemed like another little indicator of the change in the writing.

  6. I was thinking about Dr Woodard’s office. And I recalled the Doctor Who story “The Invasion” (1968). The villainous businessman, Tobias Vaughn had identical offices in his London HQ and his factory, remarking on how he valued uniformity in everything (saves on set design too!).

    Maybe Dr Woodard values uniformity too and has identical offices at the hospital and at his home? 😉

  7. Danny, I liked Julia/GH from past viewings, but your insights are taking my appreciation to a new level.

    One of my favorite moments from this episode: Julia’s complete lack of interest in Vicki and David’s banal conversation. Grayson Hall just looks off in the distance, completely uninterested until the word “Sarah” is dropped.

  8. Anyone who thinks that soap operas move at glacial speed clearly have not sat through these last two episodes of DS.

    Julia is truly, as Danny sites, the “accelerant” that gets things rolling here. To think she comes from Windcliff Sanitarium with Maggie to Eagle Hill Cemetery, winds up kibitzing with the always gruff Doctor Woodard at his “house,” jets back to Collinwood for a walk-through of the Old House with Vicki, and then returns the next day under her new guise as noted genealogist and family historian to take stock of the rest of the Collins’–and plunks herself down on the drawing room sofa (where, I suspect, she will be spending many an episode into the future), well, it’s DS at warp speed like we’ve never seen it before!!!

  9. As Danny states, Vicki is coming off as just a complete idiot in these episodes. Part of it is the writing but a bigger part is that the more screen time Vicki has, the more glaringly obvious AM’s lack of acting talent becomes.

    1. Agree about the lack of AM’s acting talent; in addition to which, her voice has that awful breaking in it. A dedicated actor would have worked with a vocal coach to get rid of it, but La Moltka apparently couldn’t be bothered.

  10. Let’s hope that Dr. Hoffman’s plot accelerant works better than Vicki’s plot repellent; we might get somewhere!

  11. So….Maggie just sat alone in Dr. Woodard’s house/waiting room the whole time the 2 Docs were in the office together and while Julia went to Collinwood??!!

    Also, I’ve been meaning to mention this before, I’m somewhat unnerved by the amount of open flames there are on the set. Are all those candles real? And how did they do the fires in the fireplaces?

    Bravo Julia for moving things along!

    1. Re: the flames on the show. Yes, the candles were real, but I recall one of the cast members in an interview saying the fireplace fires were gas (but real flames nevertheless).

  12. Julia reminded me of Emma Peel from The Avengers. Smart, brave, independent. At least at the beginning. Even as she got sucked into Barnabas’s blood-thirsty ways, she remained my favorite character. Barnabas was still the bad guy here. He had kidnapped Maggie. It seemed like Julia would be his undoing. It didn’t quite work out as I expected. Thank goodness.

  13. Back in the summer of ’67, I was thrilled with the arrival of Julia. Originally Vicki was the audience identifier for teen-aged girls, but now she’s so stupid and annoying that I wouldn’t even want her as a friend. Carolyn is on the back-burner and Liz is your mom. And then, ta-dah! a smart, devious, take action woman. Who wouldn’t want hang with her; who wouldn’t want to be her!!

  14. I wouldn’t call the connection Julia makes between 18th-century Sarah and Maggie’s “friend” Sarah an “incredible leap of logic” at all. Maggie has repeatedly mentioned her friend’s name is Sarah. Maggie has a very bad reaction in the Collins mausoleum where a “Sarah” is buried. Sure, Sarah is a common name, but given that Julia has admitted this case is something along the lines of “unearthly,” why not make that connection? I think I would. You take any clue you can and follow it, not dismiss it.

    Oh, one more blooper: To me, it sounds like Grayson Hall has an unfortunate line flub toward the end of the episode. When Julia is trying to get Maggie to play the “game” of finding out the doll’s name, Hall says, “The doll doesn’t have a name, does sh–” seeming to about to say “she,” but then in mid-word, she says “it,” resulting in the unfortunate (and amusing) combination of sounds.

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