“You were convinced that I was dead — and I was, for a while! I was actually dead!”
Hey, you know how Elizabeth has been telling everyone for weeks that she’s going to lose consciousness, and everyone’s going to think that she’s dead? Well, guess what: it happened! And she’s still upset about it. I guess there’s no pleasing some people.
So here she is, out like a light, for no particular reason: Elizabeth Collins Stoddard, former occupant. No pulse, no heartbeat, not breathing as far as anyone can detect. Overall status: inert. Why they don’t think of holding a glass of sherry under her nose I can’t say.
Luckily, Dr. Julia Hoffman is on the scene, on account of she came to visit more than a year ago and nobody’s worked up the courage to ask her to leave.
Julia gives the dearly departed a once-over, and slips the bystanders the bad news: Elizabeth is dead. Naturally, that’s Liz’s cue to open her eyes and scream, delivering an utterly devastating “Gotcha” that’ll take months for everybody to live down.
Julia emits some kind of reassuring horseradish about a “catatonic state”, which is apparently doctor for “I forgot how to take a pulse,” and then it’s time for some post-mortem medical care.
Liz: I don’t care what the reasons are. I want to know what can be done about it!
Julia: I don’t think we should try to do anything right now. You’ve had a severe shock, and you must rest. Please, take this.
Liz: What is it?
Julia: It’s a sedative. It’ll help you relax.
Right, of course. What else could it possibly be? As far as Julia Hoffman is concerned, there’s not a diagnosis in this world that can stand up to a good, stiff sedative-and-water. Now she’s handing out pills to a woman who didn’t even have a pulse forty-five seconds ago, which, in my opinion, is already pretty sedate.
So I’m just going to throw this out there — what if Dark Shadows is actually the story of the greatest door-to-door sedative salesman of all time?
It’s an odd theme, and it runs through the whole show. Dr. Woodard prescribed tranquilizers for Maggie when she was found sleepwalking in a cemetery, and he gave David a sedative when he’d been locked in a mausoleum for three days. Julia’s offered sedatives to a rampaging Frankenstein monster, and a guy who just went blind. Even the 1795 doctor who examined Barnabas after the bat attack gave him a sedative, and Barnabas was basically already dead by that time. Apparently, everyone in Collinsport has an urgent need to simmer the hell down.
So the question is: what is the purpose of all of this chemistry-assisted serenity?
The American obsession with chillaxing basically dates back to the end of World War II. We’d just fought the Nazis, which was stressful, and now that the soldiers were home, we were determined to keep calm and carry on.
The emotional repression of the 1950s was based on the cultural idea that it’s wrong — even dangerous — to be upset. There are a lot of late-50s educational shorts teaching kids that mealtime conversations should always be neutral and pleasant, so that everyone in the family can digest their food in peace.
By the mid-60s, the kids had internalized that message so well that they weaponized it, turning it back on their tightly-wound parents. Hippies were constantly advising people to relax, and stop being so uptight.
Even getting high was soothing. In the 1930s Reefer Madness era, marijuana was associated with jittery psychopaths who strangled people and got into car accidents, but by the 60s, smoking pot and taking acid were the keys to meditation and enlightenment.
Meanwhile, the moms were also working themselves to a frazzle, and they needed their own mood-altering medicine. Valium was introduced in 1963, and quickly became the drug of choice for anxious housewives. The Rolling Stones’ song “Mother’s Little Helper” was in the pop charts in 1966, and by 1969, Valium was the #1 most-prescribed medication in America.
So the Dark Shadows cast is actually behind the times here. The housewives and teenagers in the audience are all on a regular diet of anxiolytics, while the Collins family needs an on-call doctor on the premises, to dole out the tranquilizers one pill at a time.
The funny thing is that Dark Shadows is one of your less relaxing shows. Soap operas are already supposed to be about big, melodramatic emotional expression, and DS layers in thick slices of existential terror. The soundtrack is constantly throwing tension stings at you, trying to keep you on the edge of your seat. You’d think this would be the last show that the kids of 1968 would want to watch; it’s basically a guaranteed bad trip, for 30 minutes a day.
That’s the true horror story for the self-medicated — a world where everybody’s freaking out, and they don’t know who’s holding. When this scene started, Elizabeth was resting in peace. Now she’s getting tugged back and forth through the doorways of perception, and everybody’s giving her a plastic hassle. What a drag.
Tomorrow: The Crazy World.
Dark Shadows bloopers to watch out for:
When Vicki is examining Liz on the couch, Jeff says “I think she fainted” at the same time that Vicki says “There’s no pulse.”
Near the beginning of Barnabas and Julia’s scene in the first act, a camera butts into the frame on the right.
When Jeff is pleading with Vicki in the drawing room in act 2, there’s a tape edit — apparently Jeff did something so terrible that it had to be expunged from the record.
Tomorrow: The Crazy World.
— Danny Horn
Dark Shadows Every Day 
Are you by any chance referring to
” a date with your family” from mst3k?
”
The one stressing “pleasant unemotional conversation”
That’s one of them, yeah. My favorite film on the subject is “Mealtime Manners and Health”, which I saw thanks to RiffTrax, the MST guys’ online spinoff. Apparently, you can practice mealtime manners at any time during the day.
http://www.rifftrax.com/mealtime-manners-health
That family is so sedate. Mom puts the “Yum!” in Valium, by slipping large amounts in everyone’s breakfast, lunch, dinner and between-meal-snacks. There won’t be any pesky emotions rearing their ugly little heads at dinner, tonight. Things are going to be sedate, damn it, or else!!!
I take issue with pot-heads being associated with strangling people and car accidents. When dark shadows ended in 1971, I was just starting the 10th grade and was already a pothead, smoking daily in the restrooms. All I wanted to do was laugh, have munchies, and listen to my music. I would say that strangling people and car accidents would be associated with speed freaks personally.
The reference in question was “Reefer Madness” a movie that presented potheads as speed freaks. It’s hilarious, by the way. You should definitely watch it stoned.
Oh, is this the episode with that great screaming nightmare of Julia’s when she yells “Barnabas!”? Looks like everyone could have used a sedative.
Postwar anxiety was also a popular explanation for UFOs.
On the plus side, the rise of anxiolytic medication led to the decline of lobotomies, which I think you’ll agree, is a much more drastic solution to emotional anxieties.
Oh, I am hugely in favor of anxiolytics; I guess I didn’t really say that in the post. I’ve taken them for years, and I’m a huge fan.
I hear ya… nothing like an Ativan to make me feel at peace with the world. In an extremely out of character move though, a few episodes ago, when Adam punched Barnabas in the stomach, she gave him a stimulant, “just in case.” Definitely in the pre-Adderall/Vyvanse days.
And there’s nothing One would want more after being sucker punched than a Dexedrine or whatever diet pill was being used in 1968.
Those probably were black beauties.
Glad you mentioned this–I’m watching the second to last DVD of the show, and one thing that has remained consistent is that Julia’s favorite panaceas are sedatives and brandy. Not a good combination. 😉
Well, they were all getting buzzed some kind of way. Maggie had to be on something or she would already be in the insane asylum.
Says who, I’m with Julia, she’s always right, and waitaminit, crap, that was a stimulant,
But Wheeeee!!!!
I’ve always wondered why the writers never played more with the idea of Liz abusing Valium or some other form of depressants. Barnabas could see it as Elizabeth becoming more like Naomi (alcohol is also a depressant) and helps stop her from going down that path. It’s a win-win situation: Liz gets something to do dramatically, and Barnabas gets some character growth.
The one question I was asking throughout this whole episode was “Where’s Roger?”
Last we saw, he and Jeff were frantically searching the grounds for Liz. How long was he out there before someone remembered to tell him they’d found her?
excellent question. that had slipped my mind.
“Apparently, everyone in Collinsport has an urgent need to simmer the hell down.”
LOLOLOL!! My favorite quote on the blog so far. People in 2020 should also simmer the hell down, though we’ve had to put up with a lot (I write this as though your past selves could read this).
I don’t recall but did anyone at Collinwood ever ask for Julia’s credentials? I wouldn’t trust her as far as I could throw her.
I’m glad Liz wasn’t really dead. I’m glad she got to prove to everyone that her fears were real. But that is scary.
What also was scary was the beginning of Julia’s dream about Barnabas. The yelling scared me. Also, I would like to find a blue sheet set like she has.
Just like Roger was gone and pretty much forgotten in this episode, Darrin was the same in “Bewitched” Episode #144 that night on ABC in an episode conveniently titled “Darrin, Gone and Forgotten.” Turns out Endora promised the hand of her first-born daughter Samantha to the first-born son of evil witch Carlotta (Mercedes McCambridge) who zaps Darrin into another realm where he’s being chased by scary animal sounds. The wimpy son Juke (Steve Franken) doesn’t want to get married and so Samantha tries to teach him how to stand up to his mother.
You may have seen the memes recently blaming poor Aunt Clara for all the crap 2020 has brought, however, true “Bewitched” fans voted for the real witch culprit and Carlotta is to blame. If I knew how to post photos in the comments I would post the meme I made of Carlotta. I feel she would’ve been a great rival to Angelique, who I feel is actually the witch we should be blame for 2020.
When Barnabas sees Jeff kissing Vicki, he reacts with alarm and rushes out. We were alarmed too- Alexandra Moltke looked excruciatingly uncomfortable during the the first kiss. We almost expected her to call out to Barnabas to rescue her from the second.
Also, at the beginning of the episode Jeff is supposed to feel for Elizabeth’s heartbeat, so Roger Davis helps himself to a handful of Joan Bennett’s left breast. Classy guy…
I’ve mentioned elsewhere that Valium was patented by Hoffmann-LaRoche. Possibly a family connection?
In the sedative scene Julia appears to be suppressing a laugh.
How many times has Julia used the word “Terrifying” in the series?
Test. Sorry, tried to post my same comment (about Roger Davis) at least 5 times …
I noticed this too, Acilius. I expect his costars didn’t know what the hell to do with him each time he used one of his roles and the “live on film” circumstances so as to abuse those around him. Even as a DS viewer 50 years after the fact, I feel so sickened watching him molest and assault nearly every actress and a few smaller-framed actors with whom he shares a scene.
You can see so many of them flinching away, trying to hold their hands protectively in front of themselves even while remaining in character. Wish we could help them!
I had never googled him before this and didn’t realize he is still alive … and attending DS conventions?! I wonder if he has ever admitted to and apologized for his behaviour …
I just found a “behind the scenes” mention in a later blog entry from Danny about an occasion in a storyline down the road (not featuring Dr. Julia Hoffman so I have never seen any of the episodes) wherein he is playing a vampire and violently throws Joan Bennett to the ground. And apparently, during an interview, he laughingly boasted about this conduct??
I also located a recent comment from another blogger (“sorry-but-i-just-need-to-talk-about-dark-shadows”) mentioning how Davis was likely the unnamed actor who refused to leave one of the producer’s offices while on a bad LSD trip. And he was apparently stoned out of his mind during the filming of an episode in which he played the role of Dirk?
So unprofessional. And in this blogger’s post (“takethekeyandlockherup” whats-your-beef-with-roger-davis”), it is mentioned that, although Davis tried to arrange for his first wife to have a role in DS, he dared to suggest Grayson Hall only starred in the show because of her husband?
Omg! …and once he tried to push her out of a shot!? Our Julia!?!
(She allegedly retaliated by stepping on his foot and pressing down with her high heel for the entire scene before warning him never to try that again … LOVE HER)!
Ahh, okay my comments were being blocked when I tried to include the URLs to the cited blog entries. Good job, WordPress, protecting Danny’s awesome blog from spammers.
I am glad I wasn’t being blocked by the DS Powers That Be for daring to dwell on the offensive behaviour of Roger Davis.
It’s possible sedatives need to be so widespread in Collinsport because Maggie can’t let a scene go by with offering someone coffee.