“I died, and everyone brought me such pretty flowers.”

Today’s episode opens with young David wearing pajamas and a robe, walking all the way downstairs to the foyer. He positions himself in front of the 18th century portrait of Barnabas, looks at it, and then makes what appears to be a conscious, deliberate decision to freak the hell out.

David stares at the portrait, and remembers the night that Barnabas found him at the Eagle Hill cemetery, coming out of the Collins family mausoleum.

Barnabas (voiceover):  Hello, David. I’ve been looking everywhere for you. But now I’ve found you, haven’t I?

The voiceover continues.

Barnabas (voiceover):  What were you doing in the mausoleum, David? Is there something in there that fascinates you?

Barnabas (voiceover):  I think you’re keeping something from me. Do you know what happens to little boys who lie to their elders?

So David is basically inventing the “previously on Dark Shadows” montage, entirely in his mind. The kid’s a genius.

David starts shouting at the portrait, “I want to go back to Collinwood! Let me go! Let me go!” Liz rushes to his side, but David pulls away, and then runs upstairs to his room.

You know, everybody says that children should be exposed to fine art, but look what happens when you try it.

Once the kid is safely stowed in the overhead compartment, Barnabas comes over to apologize to Liz for harboring a dangerous lunatic on her property.

The other day, Willie tried to warn Maggie about Barnabas, but he was shot by the police, who thought he was the maniac who abducted her. Willie’s still in a coma and may not pull through, so Barnabas is taking the opportunity to make sure that everyone knows that he had no way of knowing what was in Willie’s mind.

Barnabas:  I think it’s the greatest single shock of my life.

Liz:  You shouldn’t be so harsh on yourself. You had no way of knowing what was in Willie’s mind.

There, that was easy. But why didn’t he bring a fruit basket? I would have thought this was at least a fruit basket level apology.

But Liz is more concerned about David. For some reason, the kid is scared stiff of Barnabas. Obviously, Liz doesn’t think that David’s fear has any basis; it must be a coincidence, or some kind of dreadful misunderstanding, because Barnabas is a sainted and holy person who can never be held responsible for the paralyzing madness that seems to affect everybody who comes within three yards of him.

Barnabas suggests that maybe he and David should have a man-to-man talk in his bedroom, so: Sure, why not. What could possibly go wrong.

And guess what: It goes swimmingly. David stares fixedly ahead and says that he’s not afraid of Barnabas, and he doesn’t know what Elizabeth is talking about.

Barnabas sits down on the bed, a move precisely calculated to put the boy at ease.

Barnabas:  Perhaps we could ease your fear, David, if you would tell precisely where you were when you were lost.

David:  I already told everyone a hundred times.

Barnabas:  Yes, and everyone believes you… but, you see, I don’t. Because I know where you were.

David:  Where?

Barnabas:  You were in that secret place that little Sarah told you about, weren’t you?

David:  No!

Barnabas:  Yes, you were. And that secret place is in the Collins mausoleum, isn’t it?

Then he displays David’s pocket knife, which he found in the mausoleum’s secret room after David had been there. Things devolve pretty rapidly from that point.

Barnabas demands to know what secrets little Sarah has shared with him.

Barnabas:  She’s told you all about her family, hasn’t she? About her mother and her father and her brother. She’s told you about her brother.

Unfortunately, just when it looks like we’re getting somewhere, Vicki comes in, and she sucks all the drama out of the room as usual. The party breaks up, and Barnabas goes home.

But! — the craziest part of the episode is still to come. Once everyone clears the room, David goes to sleep, and he has one of those German Expressionist art film dreams like kids in soap operas are always having.

In the dream, David walks through a dark basement labyrinth. The fog machine is going like sixty, providing the typical dream sequence cloud cover.

David can’t find Sarah, so he approaches a woman who’s standing in the shadows, spinning a jeweled medallion on the end of a long chain.

The woman’s face is obscured, and he’s bothered by the medallion spinning in his face. “What are you doing?” he cries. “I have to find Sarah!”

He finally locates her, and tells her that he needs to know more about her. She fills him in on the backstory: she was born in Collinsport, and she lived in a big house on a hill.

Sarah:  And then I got very sick. And everyone came to see me, and they were very sad.

David:  Because you were sick?

Sarah:  No. Because I died.

David:  Sarah, be serious.

Sarah:  I am! I died, and everyone brought me such pretty flowers.

I know, I’m doing it again — posting a straight synopsis of the scene, with no commentary or jokes or anything. But sometimes, you get a sequence like this, which is one hundred percent pure, uncut Dark Shadows, and the best thing for me to do is just get out of the way.

Sarah leads David to a coffin, which opens to reveal Barnabas.

David dashes to safety, but Sarah stays put, and lets Barnabas approach.

“Sarah!” he says. “My little Sarah. You’ve come back. You’ve come back at last.”

David cries out, begging Sarah to get away. Barnabas turns his attention to David, backs him up against a wall — and then raises his cane to attack.

The episode ends with a shot of the shadow of Barnabas’ cane descending to strike the boy.

So that’s what ABC broadcast on television on a Friday afternoon in late September, 1967. And then they showed The Dating Game.

Monday: A Time Like This.

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Dark Shadows bloopers to watch out for:

At the start of the second act, Liz walks across the foyer to the front door and puts on her coat, planning to walk to the Old House to visit Barnabas. Liz pauses to talk to Vicki for a minute, and then Barnabas happens to come by, saving Liz the trip. But she keeps her coat on for the next two scenes; she’s still wearing it when she brings Barnabas upstairs to talk to David.

There’s another great moment when Barnabas’ discomfort is able to absorb Jonathan Frid forgetting his lines:

Barnabas:  Surely, Elizabeth, you don’t think I had anything to do with it.

Liz:  No, no! Of course not. That is, nothing intentional.

Barnabas:  When, uh — (panicked look at the teleprompter) — what, I, I, I just don’t know what you mean.

David asks what Barnabas wants to talk to him about. Liz responds, “I’ll let Unc– cousin Barnabas tell you.”

Barnabas says, “If you’re lying again, David, I will be very angry if I find out what it is.” He must mean “if you’re hiding something”.

In the dream, Sarah forgets how old she is: “I lived on a hill, in a big, big house, until I was about nine — ten!”

When David finds the coffin, the boom mic is visible at the top of the screen for about twenty seconds.

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Behind the Scenes:

The stand-in for Julia in the dream was Fran Anthony, who also appears in the next episode’s teaser. This seems to be her only screen credit. She appeared in many off-Broadway plays, including The Climate of Eden, Poppa Is Home, The Warrior’s Husband, Puzzle of a Downfall Child and Up the Down Staircase.

Monday: A Time Like This.

Dark Shadows episode guide – 1967

— Danny Horn