Episode 1018: Diagnosis Murder

“What happened to you wasn’t the work of any form, or spirit.”

Dr. Cyrus Longworth, who isn’t that kind of doctor, enters Quentin Collins’ hospital room with a worried face and a clipboard. Earlier in the day, Quentin suddenly collapsed with agonizing chest pains that felt like he was a clay doll in the hand of an enormous crazy person, who was sticking a sharp pin into his heart. After about an episode, the pain suddenly ceased, and Quentin felt fine, as if nothing had happened, which I suppose technically nothing really had.

Unnerved, he went to the hospital for tests, which have turned out to be even more unnerving.

“The tests have proved most fascinating,” says Dr. Longworth, who seriously is not this kind of doctor.

“What is it?” Quentin smiles. “Don’t tell me I have some hitherto undiscovered tropical disease.”

Cyrus grimaces. “Well, if — if you had,” he stammers, “I would have known what to do.”

“What are you talking about?”

Cyrus gives his friend a grim look. “Quentin…” he says, “there’s nothing wrong with you!”

Quentin is thunderstruck. Naturally, this is the last thing he wants to hear. He’s a soap opera character stuck in a storyline that refuses to turn over, like a car that’s been out in the snow too long. If he’s not sick, then he has to find somebody else to talk to, and they don’t have time to dress another set.

“You must have made a mistake,” he says.

“Oh, no,” Cyrus declares. “No mistake has been made. You are in perfect physical condition!”

Quentin refuses to believe it. “Cyrus, you saw me last night. I was in extreme pain! I was barely able to breathe!”

“I’m aware of that,” Cyrus says, clutching the clipboard. “But these tests don’t lie. You are in perfect physical condition, you are in sound health!”

That’s two perfect physical conditions in the space of two lines, so those really must be some amazing tests. It sounds like Cyrus had a consultation with Donald Trump’s personal physician. “Mr. Collins had a complete medical examination that showed only positive results,” says the statement, written on a paper towel with grape jelly stains and released to the media. “If elected, Mr. Collins, I can state unequivocally, will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.”

Quentin tries to figure out where this is going. “Did the report say anything about my mental condition?”

“Well, mentally, you’re just fine,” Cyrus says, which sounds like they consulted a barometer. “You’re as well balanced as anyone I know.” This is not actually very reassuring. As Quentin is well aware, Cyrus’ social circle is composed entirely of knaves, ne’er-do-wells and high-strung lab techs.

“Now, Cyrus,” Quentin complains, “a man does not have an attack for no reason at all. There’s got to be a cause! Either it’s got to be mental or physical.”

“There’s also a third possibility,” Cyrus says. “Mentical!”

No, he doesn’t say that, but I wish he had. His actual answer is even less convincing.

Now, the symptoms appear to me,” Cyrus waffles, “the way the attack came upon you so suddenly, the way it appeared without any reason whatsoever,” he continues, “without any warning, that this must have been caused by something.”

He pauses.

“Something supernatural!”

Now, on this show, obviously, that should be the least surprising thing that anyone has ever said. Quentin and Cyrus have discussed supernatural phenomena practically every time they’ve seen each other, including the night they decided to burn Quentin’s dead wife’s body because they were frightened of it.

And yet Quentin still makes a face, and says, “Cyrus, I’ve heard some surprising explanations, but that beats them all!” I guess these old tropes never really die, especially not if you can squeeze a commercial break out of it. “What do you mean by supernatural?”

Cyrus hedges. “It’s hard to be specific.”

“Well, you’ve got to be!” Quentin declares, as if Cyrus has the entire Monster Manual written on his clipboard and refuses to admit it. “Do you mean a ghost? Some unseen force, what?”

“No, no,” Cyrus says, sinking into a chair. “What happened to you wasn’t the work of any form, or spirit.”

“Well, what was it?”

Cyrus furrows his brow. “These symptoms are very similar to those resulting from the practice of black magic — and witchcraft!”

Another incredulous face from Quentin. He says, “Witchcraft?” as if he’s not talking to a character whose backstory explicitly includes a lifelong semi-academic interest in witchcraft, but I guess today we’re pretending that he’s a doctor.

“Well, you believe in the existence of ghosts,” Cyrus points out. “Why not witches?”

“All right, all right. Now, you just tell me how this attack occurred.”

“There are any number of methods used to practice black magic,” Cyrus says, so here we go.

“A crude doll figure representing the likeness of the victim is probably the most common,” says the doctor. “Pins can be stuck in the doll, and the victim feels intense pain!” He shudders, clutching the clipboard. “I saw a man die like that, in a village in Africa!”

Which is — wait, what? When were you in a village in Africa?

“They use other methods, too!” Cyrus says, flashing back to his Peace Corps days. “Potions, other things, the casting of spells…” Of course, it’s the other things you really have to watch out for.

“Cyrus!” Quentin yelps. “Now, what you’re telling me is that my attack was not caused by a supernatural being — but was caused by a real person!”

“A real person, using supernatural methods!”

“I find it all very hard to believe,” Quentin says. “Who could it be?”

Cyrus folds. “I have no idea.”

Which is just silly. Both of these characters are acquainted with several people who play with black magic on a regular basis. Cyrus is one of them. Honestly, sometimes I wonder if these people even pay attention to what they’re saying.

“Cyrus, do you think that it could be somebody close to me?” Quentin asks, although obviously this isn’t really a question that a medical examination could answer. “Somebody who lives at Collinwood, perhaps?”

“It could be anyone!” Cyrus shrugs. “But there’s no point in speculating about who it is.” It’s called bedside manner.

“It’s late now,” the doctor says. “I think you’d better get some rest.”

“Do I have to stay here tonight?”

“No, no. Of course not,” Cyrus purrs. “You just get your clothes on, and go right on home!”

But I already have my clothes on, Quentin thinks. So what now?

Tomorrow: Peer at a Prop.


Dark Shadows bloopers to watch out for:

When Cyrus tells Quentin that he’s in perfect physical condition, somebody in the studio coughs. Although they’re in the hospital, so maybe that was just atmosphere.

Barnabas asks Maggie, “Did Quentin really love Josette?” Maggie frowns, puzzled, and then she smiles, “I think he loved Angelique.”

Maggie announces, “My instincts tell me that this woman would do nothing to keep from getting rid of me!”


Behind the Scenes:

This is the first episode with the credit: “Miss Scott’s clothes courtesy of Junior Sophisticates”.

Tomorrow: Peer at a Prop.

Dark Shadows episode guide

— Danny Horn

33 thoughts on “Episode 1018: Diagnosis Murder

  1. Somewhere supernatural, Joe Caldwell, Gordon Russell, and Sam Hall are reading this and ectoplasmically soiling themselves. “Who knew this pile of crap would outlive me?” says Russell, wiping his brow, and Frid pops in and says, “You’re lucky, you didn’t have to say those lines,” and Hall says, “When the hell did you ever say one of our lines?”

    1. David-
      Did I miss the death notice of his re-joining Frid, Hall & Russell in the great beyond? I had thought writer Joe Caldwell was still here with us. I read an interview he gave 4 or 5 years ago. So I was hoping he is still alive. Anybody know?

        1. Prisoner of the Night-

          Thanks.
          🙂

          All-

          Here’s the link (at bottom) to the Joe Caldwell interview article from 2013. A short, interesting read titled, “Original Dark Shadows Writer Joseph Caldwell Played It Straight” by Ryan Britt, March 21, 2013.

          Caldwell’s perspective is quite interesting on how the writing team tried sometimes to reduce the number of scripted vampire bites, “We felt the audience wouldn’t connect with Barnabas if he didn’t seem like a real person, with real problems…we were always trying to figure out a way to make the stories better, more engaging, more ordinary. In a way, we almost wanted to make you forget he was a vampire sometimes.”

          With all the “borrowed” (one could say stolen!) source material used on DS — like Rebecca, Turn of the Screw, Picture of Dorian Gray, etc. — I also appreciated the line Caldwell quoted from a fan letter: “You don’t have a group of writers there, you’ve got a den of thieves!”

          Whether “borrowed,” derived, stolen, or original, still we enjoyed the material. Link to interview article below:

          http://www.tor.com/2013/03/21/dark-shadows-writer-joseph-caldwell-interview/

          -Count Catofi

  2. This is also the episode in which, Barnabas, frustrated in his attempt to bite Maggie, instead goes and listen to her troubles and decides to do something about them. He basically trades vampirism for the joys of being a busybody.

  3. If Cyrus were a physician (and PT Obamacare wasn’t repealed), then he would have been able to diagnose Selby’s appendicitis was ~200 episodes away.

  4. Well, Dr Longworth could have been in the Peace Corps and assigned to Africa. As for his medical expertise he probably went to the PT version of the mad scientist medical school where Dr Hoffman went. He’s a cardiologist/psychiatrist/mad scientist while Julia is a hemotologist/psychiatrist/mad scientist.

  5. I’m just pondering what MY reaction would be if my doctor gave me Longworth’s explanation. Guessing I would at least ask for a second opinion…maybe put in a call to the AMA. And see if my health plan covers witchcraft.

    But I love that this is a diagnosis that is readily accepted by the patient. (What kind of doctor IS Cyrus, anyhow?)

    Oooh-Eeee-Oooh-Ah-Ah,
    Ting-Tang Walla-Walla Bing Bang!

    I told the witch doctor,
    “There’s tightness in my chest!”
    I told the witch doctor
    he had to run a test!

      1. Or that he knew the secret number of the universe…

        I suppose I am being too hard on Dr. L, after all he did give the correct diagnosis! But since both he and Quentin are, erm, “open-minded” enough to allow the possibility of koo-koo witchcraft, you would think that they’d see the most obvious candidate for it. The one who looks and acts exactly like Angelique (but couldn’t possibly BE the one, since she’s denied it repeatedly) and seems to be taking her place…

    1. One of my doctors once shrugged and said, “I don’t know; maybe you’ve been abducted by aliens,” when I told him about some strange new symptoms. And when I got to the pharmacy, I noticed he had put religious tracts in with my prescriptions. So I guess you can get a medical degree at The Institute of Mad Science.

  6. And last (I swear I’ll drop this now) how is it that Dr. Longworth is suddenly working at the hospital? Are they AT a hospital, or is this just Dr. Woodard’s abandoned office? No, wait…Woodard would still be alive in PT; and so would (EEEEEEE!) Dr. Lang!

    1. In Collinsport-Prime Julia and Dr Woodard wee in medical school together so who knows maybe PT Dave Woodard didn’t go to medical school either. The writers just weren’t thinking of the possibilities. Since it’s later revealed that Hoffman is a longtime friend of Inspector Hamilton it would have been niftier if the character was named Inspector Woodard. Think of the irony if Dr Longworth mentioned in passing that his mentor was Dr Lang

      1. Perhaps PT Woodard went to school with Hoffman, and now is the chauffeur at Collinwood? Eric Lang works as a butcher at the Collinsport A&P.

  7. Well, even if Cyrus’ medical instincts ruled out calling an ambulance for Quentin, he should at least have ordered an emergency séance.

  8. I would love to hear Dr. Longworth testify about black magicks during Quentin’s eventual Social Security Disability hearing (because you know he’s totally filing for heart disease after getting out of Collinsport General). Cyrus, you might be able to fool the less-sophisticated 11-year-old soap opera viewer back in 1970, but, sir, you’d never be able to put that line of baloney over on Uncle Sam.

    1. Quentin would be needin’ some black magic to keep the lights on at Collinwood witha Social Security disability check. He’d need government subsidies all up in that mansion or else Elizabeth and Roger would have to go get actual jobs.

        1. John E., wouldn’t we LOVE to stay at the Collinwood B&B?! You could guard our bedroom door all night with your silver handled cane and I could guard the window all night with a crucifix and we could enjoy one of Mrs. Johnson’s “boiled” breakfasts in the morning – if we live that long! Then we could go spent the nixt night at the Amityville House B&B.

          1. Then out to California, to Cuesta Verde, to rent a timeshare condo from the Freeling family! I understand they’ve installed a swimming pool…

            1. Okay! I’ll bring the sunscreen and you bring the rope and tennis balls!
              I think we should skip the Georgetown B&B though – I hear those concrete steps out back can be kinda tricky.

              1. No arguments there. That whole Washington DC area needs an exorcism, and not in a good way either!

  9. The first pic in today’s blog makes DS fit right in with the ABC afternoon line-up in 1970: General Hospital, and One Life to Live ( which had lots of hospital scenes).

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