Episode 887: Whatever Comes Next

“I can’t understand why I have the feeling that something frightening is going to happen.”

It always starts with a box.

You’ve finally figured out what you’re going to do with your life. You’ve got an unstable girlfriend hidden in your house, who’s provisionally agreed not to massacre herself until you get back. You’ve arranged with a friend to destroy the coffins that he was saving up for you. And now you’re going back home, so that you and your girlfriend can use a magical oil painting to travel one hundred years into the future, turn into different people, and live happily ever after. Everything is going according to plan.

And then somebody hands you a mystery box, and the world slips sideways.

887 dark shadows oberon barnabas altar

Barnabas Collins has fallen in with a pair of eccentric drama students, who have given him a special drink that I suppose makes him more amenable to weird grad student death pranks.

The tall guy is leading some kind of seminar. “The past is but the beginning of the beginning,” he says, “and all that is and has been is but the twilight of the dawn.” His scene partner looks at him attentively, eyebrows fully arched.

“And beings which are now latent in our thoughts, and hidden in our loins” — whoa, that got weird in a hurry — “shall stand upon this earth, as one stands upon a footstool, and shall laugh, and shall reach out their hands amid the stars.”

And then he does some hand gestures. We might need to workshop this a little more.

887 dark shadows oberon barnabas gestures

Barnabas opens his eyes, and hoists himself off the platform. Now, you might imagine, sanity will reassert itself.

But, no. This is eccentric millionaire Barnabas Collins, who never leaves a bad idea alone. He invents his own hand gesture, which thrills the drama nerds, and then he recites a poem. You’re going to want to pay attention to this poem. It doesn’t mean anything, and it’s not going to help, but they’re going to say it a bunch of times, so you might as well get used to it.

“The water shall nourish each grain of sand
Wedged between ancient sacred stones
And guide us to the threshold of a time to be
And restore our flesh and bones.”

He carries it off. Jonathan Frid has certain core skills, and one of them is the ability to deliver verse with gravitas — and the less meaningful the text is, the more gravitas he provides. This particular chunk of gravitas is so dense that you’d need a wheelbarrow to carry it away.

887 dark shadows haza oberon barnabas happy

He turns, and gives the grad students a significant look. They stare back at him, not entirely sure what to do.

The guy says, “My name is Oberon,” which is unlikely. Barnabas just stands there and looks at them. After a moment, the girl volunteers, “And I am Haza.” Nobody asked.

Oberon is super pumped about how this is going so far. He shouts, “We bid you welcome, master!” Barnabas sneers, “You have performed your tasks well.” He doesn’t seem overjoyed about it. “Thank you, master,” says Haza. Apparently, Barnabas is their master.

887 dark shadows oberon glitter

“There is one thing that must be done before I leave,” Barnabas intones, sepulchrally. “Do you have the ancient book.”

“Yes. We have it,” Oberon says. He does not produce the book.

We get a nice close-up on Oberon, and he’s got glitter on his face. They both do, Oberon and the other one. This new storyline is tilting in a worryingly Twilight-y direction.

“Then I shall do what must be done,” says Barnabas. “Have you made the necessary preparations.” Barnabas keeps asking questions in a way that doesn’t sound like it’s a question.

“Everything is ready for you, master.” Oberon is super into this master idea.

887 dark shadows here is the leviathan box

Haza goes and picks up an intricately carved wooden box. “Here is the Leviathan box,” she says, as she passes the box to Oberon, and then Oberon passes the box to Barnabas. This, we are meant to understand, is the Leviathan box. You can tell because it’s the one that has Leviathans in it.

Barnabas gloms onto the merchandise, and says, “It is written that only this box shall accompany me.” I guess the ancient book needs to make its own travel plans.

“But you, Haza, and you, Oberon, shall be with me — in spirit. Do you understand?” They indicate that they understand. I think we all understand why you wouldn’t want to bring Oberon and Haza along. I wouldn’t even want to split an UberPool with them.

“When the time has come,” Barnabas says, “how shall I know the chosen ones.” It’s actually not clear whether Barnabas is telling Oberon and Haza what’s going to happen, or the other way around. They each seem to have half a set of instructions.

Haza pipes up. “It has been written in the ancient book, that when you seek guidance, you will find it in your dreams.”

“It is for that reason,” Oberon concurs, “that we must go on, in spirit.”

You see what I mean about the instructions? First, Barnabas is telling the grad students what’s written in the ancient book, and then they’re telling him about it. No wonder this seminar is so lame; nobody’s actually done the reading.

887 dark shadows barnabas altar box

They start wrapping things up. “Soon,” Oberon says, “we shall herald the arrival of a new and all-powerful leader!” Barnabas shoots him a look that’s like, yeah, I know, obviously I know that, that’s the whole thing that we’re doing right now.

Barnabas asks, “This box must not be opened until that time?” and Oberon says “Yes!” which is not an easy piece of syntax to get your head around.

887 dark shadows barnabas wtf

Finally, Barnabas grimaces directly into the camera for the closing statement.

“I shall not fail. The power and the wisdom of two thousand years shall protect me and guide me, and that which has been prophesied — shall one day become reality.”

And then there’s a peal of thunder, with nature once again responding right on cue.

So, I have to ask at this point: What in the sam scratch is going on? Two minutes ago, Barnabas was super concerned about Josette, and now he’s suddenly in charge of this drama school death cult.

There appear to be three possible interpretations of what we’re looking at.

Number one: Barnabas is being possessed by some powerful force to which we have not yet been introduced.

Number two: Barnabas has been a sleeper agent for the Leviathan box this whole time, just waiting for his activation signal.

The third possibility is that this isn’t the show at all; it’s actually the commercial break. In a minute, Barnabas is going to intone, “How shall I keep these ancient cloaks as fresh and clean as sunshine,” and the kids will tell him about the brighteners and water softeners in All-Temperature Cheer.

887 dark shadows julia notebook

And then, just when all seems lost: Julia!

Which is thrilling. We’re back! It’s 1969 again, and Julia is back on the show!

Now, I don’t know when you picked up reading this blog — I don’t keep track of these things — so you may not be aware of our very strict policy regarding Dr. Julia Hoffman, namely: she is one of the all-time great characters in fiction. Julia is always interesting, in every scene; she has no choice in the matter. Grayson Hall imbues every line with at least three separate and contrasting facial expressions, and everything that she says is a lie. I have missed Julia very, very much during the extended 1897 time trip, and I never want her to leave again.

Here, I’ll show you. We find her in the Old House, reading her own journal, and reacting to it as if the text that she has just written is coming as a complete and utter surprise.

887 dark shadows julia expression

“Tuesday, November 18th, 1969,” she says, in thinks. “It’s now been over a month since I returned from my strange and terrifying journey to another time. I’ve waited here every night at the Old House, hoping that Barnabas would somehow give me a sign, but there’s been nothing! When I first returned, I frequently heard voices from the past — faint voices that frightened me, for I didn’t know whether they inhabited the same rooms as I, or merely the dark and tormented corridors of my mind.”

So there you have it. Julia is a woman who actually writes entries in her diary about the dark and tormented corridors of her mind, and when she reads it back, she makes shocked facial expressions. Julia can even surprise herself; she’s that good.

887 dark shadows paul

Closing up shop, she stows the notebook in her handbag, and we learn that a gray-haired stranger wearing a dark hat and black gloves is standing outside the window and watching her, for some mysterious reason. He hangs back until he sees her exit the house, and then he paces slowly after her.

Then there’s a little sequence in the woods where she stops walking because she thinks that she hears somebody following her, and then she keeps going, and it turns out somebody actually is following her. The whole thing takes a little over a minute, with no dialogue or plot elements. No comment on this right now; just parking it here. We’ll come back to this later.

887 dark shadows julia carolyn back

Julia gets back to Collinwood, where she talks to Carolyn, who’s back too, hooray, except she’s in one of those moods that I have no patience for, where nothing is going wrong, but she feels gloomy anyway.

“I can’t understand why I have the feeling that something frightening is going to happen,” she says, which in my opinion is not an acceptable thing for a character in scripted entertainment to suggest. It is the screenwriter’s responsibility to provide the character with something interesting to talk about. Actual human beings can experience mood swings with no obvious source. Fictional characters do not have that luxury. Either introduce a plot element, or cheer up.

887 dark shadows carolyn skirt

She’s also currently engaged in a battle with her casualwear, walking around with a sad expression at the top and a clown explosion in the south-central region. It’s the kind of thing that makes you wonder why we ever left the 19th century — not just the show, but us, and our entire civilization.

The sad thing, actually, is imagining the costume director finding that skirt at Ohrbach’s sometime in mid-July, and thinking, oh, I can’t wait until we get back to 1969. The first chance I get, this is going on Carolyn. This is an outfit that must be televised. 

Then there’s another fifty-second sequence of not very much at all. Carolyn offers to make Julia some tea, and Julia says sure, so Carolyn leaves the room, closing the doors behind her. Then we see Julia kind of silently puttering around the drawing room — touching objects, tapping on the piano, opening the window, closing the window, indicating that opening the window made her cold, walking to the center of the room and staring at her notebook. Just absolutely nothing of consequence. Again: just parking this moment; we’ll come back to it.

887 dark shadows julia voices

Because then something absolutely magical happens. Julia’s pointless reverie is interrupted by voices — faint voices from the past, inhabiting the dark and tormented corridors of each other’s minds. It’s Magda and Pansy Faye, our pals from 1897, performing a little storyline coda.

“I don’t understand this, I ain’t done nothin’ wrong,” Magda growls, and Pansy chirps, “Who said you done something wrong? I told you, Mr. Edward wants to ask you some questions.” They do a little knockabout cross-talk routine, with Pansy explaining that Barnabas and Kitty were seen entering the Old House, and they never came out again. Magda replies that she don’t know nothin’, because Magda is Chico Marx, and there’s simply nothing we can do about it.

While all of this is going on, Julia stands there and emotes frantically, punctuated with little subliminal flashes of Barnabas’ portrait and Josette’s portrait, pulsing through the scene. This is a new visual trick they picked up a few weeks ago, when Kitty was musicboxing and Barnabas was asserting hypnotic control. It’s very televisual and avant-garde. It’s just a great scene overall.

Pansy insists that Barnabas and Kitty have vanished without a trace, and then the voices fade away. Julia makes approximately six dozen elaborate facial expressions in a row, and then bursts into the foyer, to tell Carolyn that Barnabas is dead. She’s over-reacting, really, but what do you expect? This is a person who practically loses consciousness reading her own diary entries.

887 dark shadows feet

And then, coming to you live, directly from the woods somewhere: This guy’s feet.

We break away from Julia’s scene of teatime terror, which was fraught with human interest, to watch the gray-haired stranger as he strolls around in the open air.

We see him walk around a bit, step, step, step, and then the camera slowly pulls across the ground to finally rear back and show us an empty clearing — and then the crazy stone altar appears.

A crash of thunder and lightning, a huge dramatic music cue — you know, bum bum BUMMMMM, one of those — and then we go to commercial.

887 dark shadows paul altar

A couple words from Ban antiperspirant and Di-Gel antacid later, we roll back from a static shot of the altar to show the stranger standing there, looking at it. It just apparated in front of him out of fuck-all nowhere, but he doesn’t seem super concerned about it. He just turns and walks away. The altar tries some more thunder and lightning, but it’s no use. The man is simply not in the market for supernatural Chromakey altars.

Instead, he strolls back to the Old House, and tries the door. Finding it unlocked, he lets himself in, and takes a look around. He slowly walks across the room. He lights a match. He uses the match to light a candle. And then it’s back to Julia and that horrifying skirt.

887 dark shadows julia carolyn skirt

The reason why I keep pointing out these little longeurs is that this is what the entire Leviathan story is like. This episode is an example of the kind of thing we’re going to see for a while — a sporadically phenomenal show, with weird people saying mysterious things, big emotions, funny surprises, avant-garde directing tricks, and utterly outrageous fashion choices — intercut with irritating stretches of nothing at all.

That last pause with no dialogue or plot points was a full two minutes of screen time, not counting the commercial break. Man walks through woods. Altar appears. Man opens Old House door. Man lights candle. And it’s not even setting anything up — I know who the strange intruder is, because I’m a time traveler and I’ve seen this before, and what he’s doing makes absolutely no sense. Why would [REDACTED] be so blase about enormous lawn ornaments appearing within his line of sight? Why is he randomly breaking into the Old House? And so on. It doesn’t actually mean anything, and it’s getting in the way of my sarcastic appreciation of that skirt.

And after this Julia/Carolyn scene, there’s another eighty seconds of silence — just [REDACTED] and his candle, staring at the portrait of Barnabas for no reason at all, as Julia watches him through the window and clutches her coat collar.

Yesterday, I quoted this bit from The Dark Shadows Companion:

This unsympathetic portrayal was coupled with a storyline that, compared to the high-gear 1897 saga, quite simply dragged. An irate viewer, writing to one of the daytime soap magazines, complained that the actors seemed to have only half a script and then improvised for the rest of the episode about “how weird the people are down at the antique shop.”

And this is what the irate viewer is talking about. I share the irateness. Looking back over the episode, there’s a minute of nothing as Julia leaves the Old House, another minute of nothing while Julia’s in the drawing room, two minutes of nothing after Julia hears voices, and then another minute and a half of nothing to finish the episode. Meanwhile, something unspeakably odd has just happened to Barnabas, and we don’t even get to see him again.

That’s six minutes of nothing happens, placed throughout a twenty-two minute episode like little speed bumps. Every time we get some momentum going — like Julia hearing Magda and Pansy, and falling to pieces over it — we get another one of these sudden drops in altitude. It’s not quite half a script, but it’s two-thirds at best.

So this is the weird downshift that the audience experiences, rolling out of 1897 and rejoining the present day. There are so many people that we want to see again — how’s David? is Chris okay? where does everybody think Barnabas went? — and they give us gloves and shoes. This is what happens when you try to write a daily television show and a feature film script at the same time. Something has to suffer, and there’s a very good chance that something is us.

Tomorrow: Little Shop.


Dark Shadows bloopers to watch out for:

In the opening shots of the teaser, the camera pans across the Old House drawing room, as Nancy Barrett explains that Josette has killed herself, while Barnabas is held prisoner by two mysterious beings. The implication is that we’re looking at the Old House in 1796, but Julia’s sensible wool coat is hanging by the door.

As Haza hands Oberon the urn, there’s a glimpse of one of the studio lights above.

When the stranger follows Julia through the woods, you can see the edge of the green burlap that stands in for the forest floor.

When Julia talks to Carolyn about the present she’s wrapping, you can see the shadow of the camera moving around in the hall.


Behind the Scenes:

The gray-haired stranger in the shadows is played by Mark Aldre, in his only Dark Shadows appearance. This is his only screen credit, as far as I can figure.

Also, I don’t suppose there’s any way to know, but I wonder if Julia’s diary in this episode is the same red notebook that she hid in the clock in the foyer, all the way back in 1967. Maybe she got it out of Tony Peterson’s safe. If it is, then her handwriting must be incredibly compact, because it looks like she’s still filling out the sixth page.

Tomorrow: Little Shop.

887 dark shadows julia diary

Dark Shadows episode guide

— Danny Horn

19 thoughts on “Episode 887: Whatever Comes Next

  1. I’ve caught up and passed you in real time and it’s dark territory wading through this storyline without your blog and its commenters. I’ll be doubling back once I’ve finished the ritual. 😉
    I didn’t appreciate being dropped directly into a hard right turn with this episode.

  2. Well, I love you and you always make me laugh, especially when you talk about Julia. (However, “a clown explosion in the south-central region” manages to be both hilarious and somewhat dirty! I love it!) And I’ll grant you that this opening is haphazard and the ceremony at the altar is laughable. But I don’t share your feelings that the whole Leviathan story is like this, and even though you will probably be able to drag out ratings sheets to prove that this story was indeed the beginning of the death of DS, I found much to like about it. It has its lapses, but on the whole it makes more sense than half of 1897 ever did. I take it your biggest concern is that it’s boring, but the next few weeks showing us the family, Julia’s reaction to the “new” Barnabas, the introduction of the Todds and the reveal of the mysterious stranger are all really good stuff. I think that, based on 1897, this saga will feel “small potatoes” to many, but it taps into some new material, like the whole earth cult thing, it gives Nancy Barrett some cool, almost normal soap-opera, stuff to play, it makes Julia the true hero of the tale for a while, and it lets Jonathan Frid play a completely different kind of evil – pure malevolent nastiness with a full-toothed smile that is more creepy than anything else he’s done . . . at least until the stupid retcon happens.We can get into that – and the neutering of Quentin – at a later time. But it’s 1970 again, and it’s good to be back!

  3. I know we’re not supposed to ask, but when the heck did everyone move back to Collinwood?

    My first run of the show I was so shocked (not having realised the show ACTUALLY took place in the 1960s) and got really angry waiting for Barnabas to come back and DO something. And I didn’t appreciate Julia as much as I should have – I missed Magda and only in this episode did I realise they were the same actress. (I was young, OK?)

  4. As I recall, the red notebook from 1967 had a leather clasp on the back cover that fitted round to a metal lock on the front.

    And yes, there is a way to know — by posting a pic from this very blog, from episode 356. We see that the notebook of 1967 is distinctly larger, of a different shape, brighter red, and the pages are brighter white. In hiring Mark Aldre for this episode and having saved the full actor’s wage they would have otherwise had to pay Dennis Patrick, they were able to spring for a second Julia notebook.

    https://darkshadowseveryday.files.wordpress.com/2014/03/356-dark-shadows-julia-notebook-header1.jpg?w=604&h=270&crop=1

  5. That explains why Julia is only at the beginning of the new journal. She filled the old one.

    Now if only someone could explain that skirt! Carolyn looks like Marcia Brady.

  6. I actually love her skirt..it’s so retro. With the long parted hair and that ensemble she is ready for the 70’s!

  7. Carolyn is always such a trendy dresser. I’m not really sorry that most other characters AREN’T – not because of the clothing itself, only because it would wear a little thin – but I’m glad that she is.

    1. Somehow I always thought Carolyn’s clothes seemed timeless. I could see someone totally wearing this outfit in 2016. Her hair at this point is a much darker shade than when we last saw her in present day. Eagerly awaiting the return of Dennis Patrick!

  8. Well, Carolyn would be able to shop in Boston and New York, while the hoi polloi of Collinsport were shopping locally. I wonder if Collinsport had a Kresge’s?

  9. Wow! That was some quick brainwashing they did to Barnabas. And it came with a full infodump, so that now he believes that he is the leader of people he never met before, and recites their poetry

    It would make more sense if Barnabas had been replaced by a look-alike who was the real leader. As it is, he forgets all about Josette, and adopts the agenda of complete strangers…

  10. Those carved wooden boxes were sold in gift shops in the 1970s. I got one as a Christmas present back then and I still have it. The inside is lined with purple velvet, as is this one, as you will see in an upcoming episode. Except that mine had an ‘om’ symbol in the center of the lid, instead of snakes. I keep meaning to do something about this …

    1. The first time I had a pet cat cremated, the vet asked if I wanted the ashes back. I said yes, and when the ashes came they were in a carved box just like that one. It’s incredibly creepy, and I’ve never asked to have ashes returned since then.

  11. Regarding that skirt, a friend of mine says “it’s the period when the 60s hit the 70s and there was a bad accident” to describe such things.

    Once we got back to “present day” I realized that even though 1897 had been a period piece, as of 2016 this 1969/1970 is almost as much a period piece to my eyes, and one that I might find a little more interesting. Sure, I was alive then, but too young to remember things like this. I mean, accenting the busy patterned skirt with that solid bold red shirt – c’est magnifique. 🙂

    I’m okay with this episode being a “hang out” episode, like “hang out” movies where you watch and rewatch them more for the pleasure of “hanging out” with the characters than for any scintillating plot twists. I’d have tea with Julia and Carolyn any day.

    1. But “hanging out” and “padding a script” are 2 different things. Sure, teatime would be great, but dead air is just running the clock. Better to have Julia & Carolyn give some ‘catch-up’ story about how that ghost thing turned out, or why the heck Chris Jennings hasn’t taken off a shirt in weeks…(okay, maybe not that, but you see what I mean.)

  12. My favorite thing about this episode: Getting to see Nancy Barrett play a third distinct character in very short order: Pansy/Charity, then Millicent, and then Carolyn.

    It all seemed effortless on her part. That’s how good she is. I don’t recall any other DS actor doing three roles in such a compressed time frame.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s