“Barnabas, Barnabas, please don’t go. Barnabas!”
Well, what’s the point of even having a Frankenstein monster, if he’s not going to go on a rampage every once in a while? You can’t keep him locked up in the basement forever. He’s a metaphor for the limits of human power, the unintended consequences of mankind’s sins made flesh and set loose upon the world. Now get out of the way, and let him do his goddamn job.
So things are pretty much right on schedule. Barnabas and Julia have had a pet Frankenstein for two weeks, and now he’s running wild.
First, he’s going to choke the life out of Barnabas, and then he’s going to throw a little girl into the river. After that, he’ll say, “Criminals are a superstitious, cowardly lot, so my disguise must be able to strike terror into their hearts.” No, hang on, that’s Batman.
Adam runs out of the house, and Julia yells, “Barnabas!” and then she basically doesn’t do anything else for the rest of the episode. Julia says Barnabas’ name thirty times today, setting a record that should be pretty tough to beat.
So, because I know that you care about the details as much as I do: here are the other twenty-nine times.
Barnabas: We must get him!
Julia: No, he’ll be killed out there. He doesn’t know anything about cars, or anything like that. He’ll be killed, and that’ll be the end of it. Oh, Barnabas, I know that sounds callous, but… Barnabas? Aren’t you — aren’t you listening to me?
Julia: Barnabas, Barnabas — perhaps something else went wrong when we did the experiment. And perhaps that magnificent brain that Dr. Lang boasted of, perhaps it was injured. Barnabas, why do you have to find him?
Barnabas: In the condition that he’s in, he may attack the first person he sees. He may be captured.
Julia: That’s what you’re afraid of, really, isn’t it? Don’t be afraid of that, Barnabas; he can’t talk!
Barnabas: He can say my name.
Julia: Well, how much does that incriminate you?
Julia: Barnabas, you’ve lied yourself out of worse situations than that. Barnabas, don’t go!
Julia: Barnabas, Barnabas, please don’t go! Barnabas!
Adam: No! Barnabas, no!
Barnabas: You won’t stop me, Julia!
Julia: Barnabas, Barnabas, you’re not thinking.
Barnabas: No, you’re right! I’m not, for a change.
Julia: Well, you’ve got to begin to. Barnabas, why do you have to find him? When you get him back, will you make the chains stronger? Will you get somebody to help Willie take care of him? Oh, Barnabas! Let him disappear! Barnabas!
Julia: I lost you for a moment, Barnabas!
Barnabas: He must be near; he couldn’t have got very far.
Julia: Barnabas, you don’t know he came in this direction. He could have gone off toward the gate.
Barnabas: No, there were footprints in the lawn, leading to the woods.
Barnabas: Julia… You’ll have to stop talking, or go back to the house. He’ll hear us, and I’ll never find him!
Adam: Barnabas… If both live… If Adam die…
Julia: Barnabas! Hurry!
Barnabas: Put her down! If you don’t, I’ll kill you!
Julia: Barnabas, no! You’ll hit her!
Julia: Oh, Mrs. Stoddard, you can’t do anything. Barnabas will catch them.
Julia: A prowler broke into the house, and has taken Carolyn Stoddard as a hostage. Well, just now. Barnabas Collins is out hunting them; they can’t be far.
Julia: I know how worried you are, Mrs. Stoddard, but they’ll be all right. Barnabas will find them.
Liz: That man is so strong.
Julia: Well, don’t forget that Barnabas has a gun.
Liz: Why has Barnabas a gun? You were hunting him, weren’t you?
Liz: You know who he is, don’t you?
Liz: Then why has Barnabas got a gun?
Julia: We, uh… we were in the Old House, and we heard a noise. And… I heard something from the window, and Barnabas went to the door, and whoever it was ran into the shrubbery. But then he came back out again, and made a noise, and Barnabas got his gun.
Then Julia runs out of opportunities to say “Barnabas,” and after a while the episode is over.
Tomorrow: Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.
Dark Shadows bloopers to watch out for:
At the end of the teaser, Barnabas is choked unconscious, and we see his head resting on the bare floor. After the titles, Barnabas has taken the opportunity to reposition himself, and is now fully on the Oriental rug.
Julia says, “Perhaps that magnificent brain that Dr. Lang boasted of, perhaps it was injured.” If Lang did boast about that, he must have done it off-camera; I can’t remember him ever mentioning it.
At the end of Act 1, Adam has a piece of wood that he’s supposed to break as he yells, “Kill! KILL!” The sound effect of the wood breaking plays before he’s actually broken it.
When Barnabas confronts Adam with his gun, he yells, “Put her down, do you understand?” Then, mixing “put her down” and “let her go,” he screams, “Let her down!”
Julia tells Liz that they should call the police. As Liz shuts the front door, Julia walks through the foyer, and looks down at the phone receiver that’s lying on the floor. Julia walks into the drawing room, then stands with her hand on the phone until Liz walks through the foyer and steps into the drawing room before making the call. She shouldn’t be able to get a dial tone anyway, with the foyer phone off the hook.
Behind the Scenes:
When Carolyn and Liz try to distract Adam with music, the song playing on the radio is “Theme from A Man and a Woman“, from the 1966 film. The song was composed by Francis Lai, and was nominated for a Golden Globe award for “Best Original Song in a Motion Picture”. It was previously heard at the Blue Whale in an August 1967 episode. It is terrible.
Tomorrow: Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.
— Danny Horn