“I did not change Mr. Collins into a cat so that you could kill him!”
Dearly beloved, I have a question: Why do they even bother to send out Save the Date cards? It’s a soap opera wedding; they have to know that it’s not going to go as planned.
The bride calls the groom by the wrong name at the altar, and they call it off. Or the groom’s sister goes into labor during the ceremony. Or the bride shows up two hours late. Or the groom doesn’t show up at all. Or the bride’s ex-boyfriend runs in and punches the groom in the face.
Or the groom’s first wife returns from the dead. Or another groom’s first wife returns from the dead. Or the groom’s third wife returns from the dead. Or the bride confesses that she murdered her first husband.
Or the groom’s mother drives her car through the wall and straight into the church. Or the groom’s ex crashes the wedding on a horse. Or a dog runs in and identifies the bride as a mental patient who’s had plastic surgery to impersonate the real bride.
Or the groom is secretly gay. Or the bride is secretly not gay. Or the bride leaves the groom at the altar, and goes to Hawaii with another guy. Or a guy accuses the groom of raping his wife, punches him and throws him off a yacht into the water. Or the groom accuses the bride of shooting her ex-husband. Or the groom’s friend’s evil twin is wearing a bomb under his tuxedo.
Or the bride finds out that the groom faked his own kidnapping, and then a tornado hits during the reception. Or the bride finds out that the groom faked having dissociative identity disorder. Or the groom finds out the bride has been faking amnesia. Or the groom finds out that the bride was responsible for a car accident that blinded a little girl. Or the wedding cake explodes.
Or somebody plays a sex tape during the ceremony showing the bride having sex with the priest. Or the groom’s wife travels back in time from the future just as he’s about to marry her 1888 lookalike. Or the bride is kidnapped by gangsters dressed as nuns.
Or the groom is poisoned, and collapses just before he says “I do.” Or the groom gets shot at the altar. Or the groom is so drunk that he doesn’t remember getting married. Or the bride’s aunt runs in at the last minute with surprising DNA test results. Or the groom’s daughter runs in at the last minute with more surprising DNA test results.
Or the groom finds out that the bride is a murderer. Or the bride finds out that the groom’s plotting to take over her company. Or the groom lifts the bride’s veil to kiss her, and finds out he’s married a man.
It’s even possible that the bride’s maid is secretly a witch who’s in love with the groom, and she pins a flower doused with love potion on the bride’s dress. And then the spell-charmed bride runs off into the night with the groom’s uncle.
I mean, one way or another, it’s just not going to work out. Look, some of us still believe in tradition.
Monday: Runaway Bride.
Dark Shadows bloopers to watch out for:
When Josette asks Angelique to leave her room, she says, “Natalie, would you tell Mr. Barnabas that I’ve been detained?”
When Angelique takes the axe away from Ben, she says, “We have more important things that have — we have more important things to do.”
Impatient for Josette to come down, Andre asks Natalie, “Shall I go up now? Stairs?”
Andre calls through the closed door: “Josette? It’s twenty minutes after nine. The patient — the minister is becoming very impatient.”
Behind the Scenes:
Paul Kirk Giles plays Reverend Brook in this episode; it’s his first appearance on Dark Shadows. He’ll be back in January, playing a different reverend for some reason.
Idly chatting with the reverend in the drawing room, Natalie mentions Andre’s wife, Marie du Prés. Marie was never seen in the series, but she recently made an appearance in the 2011 Big Finish audio drama The Crimson Pearl, played by Kathryn Leigh Scott.
Monday: Runaway Bride.
— Danny Horn