Episode 380: Something Borrowed

“I did not change Mr. Collins into a cat so that you could kill him!”

Dearly beloved, I have a question: Why do they even bother to send out Save the Date cards? It’s a soap opera wedding; they have to know that it’s not going to go as planned.

The bride calls the groom by the wrong name at the altar, and they call it off. Or the groom’s sister goes into labor during the ceremony.  Or the bride shows up two hours late. Or the groom doesn’t show up at all. Or the bride’s ex-boyfriend runs in and punches the groom in the face.

380 dark shadows natalie josette wedding

Or the groom’s first wife returns from the dead. Or another groom’s first wife returns from the dead. Or the groom’s third wife returns from the dead. Or the bride confesses that she murdered her first husband.

380 dark shadows angelique ben axe

Or the groom’s mother drives her car through the wall and straight into the church. Or the groom’s ex crashes the wedding on a horse. Or a dog runs in and identifies the bride as a mental patient who’s had plastic surgery to impersonate the real bride.

380 dark shadows barnabas josette wedding

Or the groom is secretly gay. Or the bride is secretly not gay. Or the bride leaves the groom at the altar, and goes to Hawaii with another guy. Or a guy accuses the groom of raping his wife, punches him and throws him off a yacht into the water. Or the groom accuses the bride of shooting her ex-husband. Or the groom’s friend’s evil twin is wearing a bomb under his tuxedo.

380 dark shadows natalie josette bride

Or the bride finds out that the groom faked his own kidnapping, and then a tornado hits during the reception. Or the bride finds out that the groom faked having dissociative identity disorder. Or the groom finds out the bride has been faking amnesia. Or the groom finds out that the bride was responsible for a car accident that blinded a little girl. Or the wedding cake explodes.

380 dark shadows josette angelique amulet

Or somebody plays a sex tape during the ceremony showing the bride having sex with the priest. Or the groom’s wife travels back in time from the future just as he’s about to marry her 1888 lookalike. Or the bride is kidnapped by gangsters dressed as nuns.

380 dark shadows reverend barnabas

Or the groom is poisoned, and collapses just before he says “I do.” Or the groom gets shot at the altar. Or the groom is so drunk that he doesn’t remember getting married. Or the bride’s aunt runs in at the last minute with surprising DNA test results. Or the groom’s daughter runs in at the last minute with more surprising DNA test results.

380 dark shadows andre gone

Or the groom finds out that the bride is a murderer. Or the bride finds out that the groom’s plotting to take over her company. Or the groom lifts the bride’s veil to kiss her, and finds out he’s married a man.

380 dark shadows andre natalie gone

It’s even possible that the bride’s maid is secretly a witch who’s in love with the groom, and she pins a flower doused with love potion on the bride’s dress. And then the spell-charmed bride runs off into the night with the groom’s uncle.

I mean, one way or another, it’s just not going to work out. Look, some of us still believe in tradition.

Monday: Runaway Bride.

Dark Shadows bloopers to watch out for:

When Josette asks Angelique to leave her room, she says, “Natalie, would you tell Mr. Barnabas that I’ve been detained?”

When Angelique takes the axe away from Ben, she says, “We have more important things that have — we have more important things to do.”

Impatient for Josette to come down, Andre asks Natalie, “Shall I go up now? Stairs?”

Andre calls through the closed door: “Josette? It’s twenty minutes after nine. The patient — the minister is becoming very impatient.”

Behind the Scenes:

Paul Kirk Giles plays Reverend Brook in this episode; it’s his first appearance on Dark Shadows. He’ll be back in January, playing a different reverend for some reason.

Idly chatting with the reverend in the drawing room, Natalie mentions Andre’s wife, Marie du Prés. Marie was never seen in the series, but she recently made an appearance in the 2011 Big Finish audio drama The Crimson Pearl, played by Kathryn Leigh Scott.

Monday: Runaway Bride.

380 dark shadows angelique smile

Dark Shadows episode guide

— Danny Horn

25 thoughts on “Episode 380: Something Borrowed

  1. If Natalie was so concerned about something going wrong she shouldn’t have left Josette for even a minute until after the ceremony. It was just as frustrating as the time when Maggie was in the hospital after her multiple attacks by Barnabas and Dr Woodard specifically tells the nurse watching her to KEEP THE WINDOW CLOSED and don’t leave her side for a minute. So of course what’s the first two things she does after he leaves the room. It’s groan inducing no matter how many times you watch these episodes.

  2. Another blooper: Josette refers to her father as “Pop,” which is almost but not quite “Papa,” and in the character of Maggie Evans, not Josette. All around a pretty sloppy episode.

  3. I find it inconsistent that Natalie would be so supportive of Angelique’s idea to wear that fabric rose/amulet/handkerchief-blob-whatever-thingie. being on heightened alert and full of superstitions already, I would have expected that would raise her suspicions. ah well, everyone’s being an idiot.

  4. The limitations of the four/five/six-person-a-day cast are readily apparent here. So Millicent, Naomi, Abigail, Sarah and Victoria are just collectively sitting in the library twiddling their thumbs? Pretty lame, but I guess there was nothing they could do.

  5. Don’t think you mentioned the “groom runs off with the bride’s brother” scenario – and you never touched on the things that can happen at OUTDOOR ceremonies.

  6. I like how every time we see Joshua the Cat, he appears to be as content as cotton; whereas, in even the cheapest of old horror movies, even non-enchanted cats would usually be shown to be hissing or otherwise showing somedegree of fear or displeasure. Why would any one want this cool cat to change back into a human?

  7. “Or the groom’s wife travels back in time from the future just as he’s about to marry her 1888 lookalike.” I peeked at the clip. Wasn’t that 1988?

    I am pretty sure that Andre said “patience” not “patient.” Of course, he could have said “patients.” Perhaps he was referring to the patients who are running the asylum today. (What am I saying? I mean the patients who run it every day.) He looked suitably shocked when he found Josette’s room empty and her trunk equally so. I mean, his reaction was very effective for a soap opera actor, and that is what we are entitled to expect.

    Those of us who watch TV with closed captions have complaints (and sometimes just experiences) that could be written about in their own right. Caption writers are to be blessed, but they are often more confusing than helpful. (Back when Laura was trying to immolate herself and David, a captioner who knew only enough about DS to be dangerous captioned, “Angelique: David, come to me!” Wrong storyline, dear.)

    In today’s episode, the captioner doesn’t recognize Lara Parker’s middle Atlantic pronunciation for what it is. “You think the course of true love can never be altered?” becomes “You think the cause of true love can never be altered?” Earlier, the captioner made the exact same mistake in the opening narration: “There in the old Collins mansion, it is learned that a lasting tragedy can be averted if the cause of history can be changed.” Lara Parker did the opening narration today, you see, and the captioner can’t tell that she pronounces “course” with a soft-on-the-“r” variation. Yet the “s” is still soft, and not pronounced “z” as it is in “cause.”

    This leads to another pet peeve with captioners. The ones assigned to caption DS tend to assume that the opening narrator is “in character”; thus, today, it says, “(Angelique narrating)”. Very occasionally, it will say, “(Grayson Hall narrating)” but I have noticed that caption writers, if they are not working from the script – which they seem to do in the case of some movies – are often assigned episodes to caption as if they are playing a game of team tag, and, left to their own devices, they will do things that contradict what the other captioners do. In those cases, if one captioner is smart, they will get things right and make the other captioners look as clueless as they often are. Thanks for reading my rant, if indeed you still are.

    1. Miles, love the captioning comments. I have to use CC because my husband goes to bed early. I’m even in the next room and still have to use CC. But I digress. I love the captions because I get more by reading what’s going on because sometimes I can’t understand them ( by having to keep the sound low without CC on)
      But I digress. The captions crack me up when they describe the music ( eerie , creepy, spooky) here I am still trying to be quiet , not to burst out laughing, reading this blog and still trying to keep quiet. It’s impossible -DS and this blog are the highlight to my day. I’m the kid running home from school to watch DS, though much, much older.

  8. Danny–THE WEDDING CLIPS WERE TOTALLY AMAZING!!! I cannot believe that you put all of that together! Absolute genius, my friend! I just lost about 90 minutes revisiting some of the great soap opera weddings of yesteryear thanks to you! What a hoot!

    Greatest. Blog. Ever. Period. End. Of. Discussion.

    Oh, and watching Ben Stokes go after the cat with a hatchet: definitely worth the price of admission.

    I cannot get over how FANTASTIC this blog is and how exquisitely it is put together. It has truly become one of the great experiences of my life currently. Sometimes we come to the party late but that doesn’t mean it isn’t even more worthwhile than coming early. I have been through some extraordinarily difficult times in the past year and this blog has really helped me to process through some stuff and survive. I can’t thank Danny enough for providing all of us with such an amazing forum.

    As I write this, the world is mired in the greatest threat of modern times with the dreaded virus and I just want to send solid vibes and good wishes to all of us connected here at the blog to stay healthy and keep the faith. Most. surreal. time. I. have. ever. experienced.

  9. It is hilarious that Josette calls Angelique “Natalie,” only to have the Countess (Natalie), start her next line with, “Angelique, why don’t you stay…..” I suppose all of the names could get confusing for the cast since a few weeks ago they were playing entirely different characters altogether.

  10. “Shall I go up now? Stairs?” is almost as good as “That night…must go…nothing wrong.”

  11. I’m the latest to this party, but I’m enjoying this blog as much as anybody who had posted several years back. I love posting right after I’ve finished watching a D S episode on Decades and immediately reading the blog entry it matches.

    On another note, this has to be the weirdest looking cat I’ve ever seen–and it still doesn’t look happy to be here!

  12. This blog makes my day!! It’s brilliant and in most cases, more entertaining than the actual show. I don’t know what you are doing these days, Danny, but I would follow/read anything that you write. I don’t remember ever reading anything that makes me laugh out loud as much as this – also, the comments are often equally entertaining.

  13. That closing shot, Angelique bringing the champagne glass up to her face; man, the camera really loves Lara Parker. That was magnificent.

  14. It’s certainly been an interesting week in that it’s been so fast-paced – since the show taped around 1 to 2 weeks in advance, I’m guessing they devised this week as a way to either get out of the 1795 storyline quickly or – which is what happened – if the audience response was good to the time travel storyline they would continue. After all they would be getting their first ratings rapport around this time.

  15. This episode is critical in that it shows the two decisions Natalie made that ruined Josette and Barnabas. First she allows Angelique to hear the marriage plans and secondly insists Josette use the ugly blue thing on her person. If either of those decisions had been avoided, the wedding could have taken place and Angelique could go back to Martinique to find another victim. The countess is to blame for everything that went wrong with Josette and Barnabas. How could someone so supposedly intelligent and suspicious miss the obvious suspect in Angelique, who was the only one in the household with something to gain??

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