Episode 380: Something Borrowed

“I did not change Mr. Collins into a cat so that you could kill him!”

Dearly beloved, I have a question: Why do they even bother to send out Save the Date cards? It’s a soap opera wedding; they have to know that it’s not going to go as planned.

The bride calls the groom by the wrong name at the altar, and they call it off. Or the groom’s sister goes into labor during the ceremony.  Or the bride shows up two hours late. Or the groom doesn’t show up at all. Or the bride’s ex-boyfriend runs in and punches the groom in the face.

380 dark shadows natalie josette wedding

Or the groom’s first wife returns from the dead. Or another groom’s first wife returns from the dead. Or the groom’s third wife returns from the dead. Or the bride confesses that she murdered her first husband.

380 dark shadows angelique ben axe

Or the groom’s mother drives her car through the wall and straight into the church. Or the groom’s ex crashes the wedding on a horse. Or a dog runs in and identifies the bride as a mental patient who’s had plastic surgery to impersonate the real bride.

380 dark shadows barnabas josette wedding

Or the groom is secretly gay. Or the bride is secretly not gay. Or the bride leaves the groom at the altar, and goes to Hawaii with another guy. Or a guy accuses the groom of raping his wife, punches him and throws him off a yacht into the water. Or the groom accuses the bride of shooting her ex-husband. Or the groom’s friend’s evil twin is wearing a bomb under his tuxedo.

380 dark shadows natalie josette bride

Or the bride finds out that the groom faked his own kidnapping, and then a tornado hits during the reception. Or the bride finds out that the groom faked having dissociative identity disorder. Or the groom finds out the bride has been faking amnesia. Or the groom finds out that the bride was responsible for a car accident that blinded a little girl. Or the wedding cake explodes.

380 dark shadows josette angelique amulet

Or somebody plays a sex tape during the ceremony showing the bride having sex with the priest. Or the groom’s wife travels back in time from the future just as he’s about to marry her 1888 lookalike. Or the bride is kidnapped by gangsters dressed as nuns.

380 dark shadows reverend barnabas

Or the groom is poisoned, and collapses just before he says “I do.” Or the groom gets shot at the altar. Or the groom is so drunk that he doesn’t remember getting married. Or the bride’s aunt runs in at the last minute with surprising DNA test results. Or the groom’s daughter runs in at the last minute with more surprising DNA test results.

380 dark shadows andre gone

Or the groom finds out that the bride is a murderer. Or the bride finds out that the groom’s plotting to take over her company. Or the groom lifts the bride’s veil to kiss her, and finds out he’s married a man.

380 dark shadows andre natalie gone

It’s even possible that the bride’s maid is secretly a witch who’s in love with the groom, and she pins a flower doused with love potion on the bride’s dress. And then the spell-charmed bride runs off into the night with the groom’s uncle.

I mean, one way or another, it’s just not going to work out. Look, some of us still believe in tradition.

Monday: Runaway Bride.


Dark Shadows bloopers to watch out for:

When Josette asks Angelique to leave her room, she says, “Natalie, would you tell Mr. Barnabas that I’ve been detained?”

When Angelique takes the axe away from Ben, she says, “We have more important things that have — we have more important things to do.”

Impatient for Josette to come down, Andre asks Natalie, “Shall I go up now? Stairs?”

Andre calls through the closed door: “Josette? It’s twenty minutes after nine. The patient — the minister is becoming very impatient.”


Behind the Scenes:

Paul Kirk Giles plays Reverend Brook in this episode; it’s his first appearance on Dark Shadows. He’ll be back in January, playing a different reverend for some reason.

Idly chatting with the reverend in the drawing room, Natalie mentions Andre’s wife, Marie du Prés. Marie was never seen in the series, but she recently made an appearance in the 2011 Big Finish audio drama The Crimson Pearl, played by Kathryn Leigh Scott.

Monday: Runaway Bride.

380 dark shadows angelique smile

Dark Shadows episode guide

— Danny Horn

14 thoughts on “Episode 380: Something Borrowed

  1. If Natalie was so concerned about something going wrong she shouldn’t have left Josette for even a minute until after the ceremony. It was just as frustrating as the time when Maggie was in the hospital after her multiple attacks by Barnabas and Dr Woodard specifically tells the nurse watching her to KEEP THE WINDOW CLOSED and don’t leave her side for a minute. So of course what’s the first two things she does after he leaves the room. It’s groan inducing no matter how many times you watch these episodes.

  2. Another blooper: Josette refers to her father as “Pop,” which is almost but not quite “Papa,” and in the character of Maggie Evans, not Josette. All around a pretty sloppy episode.

  3. I find it inconsistent that Natalie would be so supportive of Angelique’s idea to wear that fabric rose/amulet/handkerchief-blob-whatever-thingie. being on heightened alert and full of superstitions already, I would have expected that would raise her suspicions. ah well, everyone’s being an idiot.

  4. The limitations of the four/five/six-person-a-day cast are readily apparent here. So Millicent, Naomi, Abigail, Sarah and Victoria are just collectively sitting in the library twiddling their thumbs? Pretty lame, but I guess there was nothing they could do.

  5. Don’t think you mentioned the “groom runs off with the bride’s brother” scenario – and you never touched on the things that can happen at OUTDOOR ceremonies.

  6. “Or the groom’s wife travels back in time from the future just as he’s about to marry her 1888 lookalike.” I peeked at the clip. Wasn’t that 1988?

    I am pretty sure that Andre said “patience” not “patient.” Of course, he could have said “patients.” Perhaps he was referring to the patients who are running the asylum today. (What am I saying? I mean the patients who run it every day.) He looked suitably shocked when he found Josette’s room empty and her trunk equally so. I mean, his reaction was very effective for a soap opera actor, and that is what we are entitled to expect.

    Those of us who watch TV with closed captions have complaints (and sometimes just experiences) that could be written about in their own right. Caption writers are to be blessed, but they are often more confusing than helpful. (Back when Laura was trying to immolate herself and David, a captioner who knew only enough about DS to be dangerous captioned, “Angelique: David, come to me!” Wrong storyline, dear.)

    In today’s episode, the captioner doesn’t recognize Lara Parker’s middle Atlantic pronunciation for what it is. “You think the course of true love can never be altered?” becomes “You think the cause of true love can never be altered?” Earlier, the captioner made the exact same mistake in the opening narration: “There in the old Collins mansion, it is learned that a lasting tragedy can be averted if the cause of history can be changed.” Lara Parker did the opening narration today, you see, and the captioner can’t tell that she pronounces “course” with a soft-on-the-“r” variation. Yet the “s” is still soft, and not pronounced “z” as it is in “cause.”

    This leads to another pet peeve with captioners. The ones assigned to caption DS tend to assume that the opening narrator is “in character”; thus, today, it says, “(Angelique narrating)”. Very occasionally, it will say, “(Grayson Hall narrating)” but I have noticed that caption writers, if they are not working from the script – which they seem to do in the case of some movies – are often assigned episodes to caption as if they are playing a game of team tag, and, left to their own devices, they will do things that contradict what the other captioners do. In those cases, if one captioner is smart, they will get things right and make the other captioners look as clueless as they often are. Thanks for reading my rant, if indeed you still are.

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