“The eyes in the painting… They were alive! I could feel them!”
At the top of the show today, Elizabeth finds young David standing in the foyer, staring at the 18th-century portrait of Barnabas. She asks David what’s wrong, and he suddenly runs upstairs and slams the door. Perplexed, Liz looks at the portrait.
And unfortunately, that’s as close as we’re going to get to the vampire today. Elizabeth is actually just coming back from four weeks of summer vacation, and we hardly noticed. But Barnabas is at the heart of every storyline now, and if he takes even one day off, the show starts to sag.
This is the first episode without Barnabas in two weeks. That portrait is going to get a workout today.
But we’ve been pretty spoiled over the last couple of weeks, since David was rescued from the mausoleum. There’s been a nice steady progression of story beats, leading up to a real crisis point — Willie stumbled into the trap meant to catch Maggie’s kidnapper, he’s been shot, and now everybody thinks he’s the villain they’ve been hunting.
There’s still lots of story left to tell, but it’s pretty much all vampire-dependent. So instead of doing that, we’re going to fill up the empty space with people standing around and talking about other people’s stories.
Vicki comes back from visiting the Evans cottage, so she’s got an update on how Maggie’s feeling (fine), and the latest report on Willie’s condition (still in a coma). Then Liz tells Vicki how David seems (frightened), how she feels about him (worried), and what they should let happen to him (nothing). And there you go, that’s a whole act over already.
The non-stop thrill ride continues with a visit from Dr. Woodard, who’s come over to talk to Julia. He’s got an update about Willie’s condition, which is: still in a coma.
Julia sits down across from him, and all of a sudden it’s Good Morning America.
Julia: Listen, Dave, medical history aside, what’s your opinion? Do you think he’ll live?
Woodard: I give him about one chance in a hundred.
Julia: But what will happen if he does pull through? Will he be able to talk?
Woodard: We hope he will.
Yes, we certainly do. I’d like to thank Dr. Dave Woodard from the Collinsport Hospital for coming by and talking to us about this developing situation. After the break, we’ll be back with weather and traffic from your local station.
Oh, sorry, they’re still talking. There’s a loose story thread that they need to take care of, namely: why Julia is still at Collinwood. She originally came here posing as a family historian, as a cover for investigating Maggie’s abduction. Now that the kidnapper’s been caught, Woodard expects that her investigation is over, and it’s time to go home.
This begins a long series of strange excuses for keeping Julia on Collins property. As it turns out, she’s not going home, now or ever — she stays on as a permanent house guest through the next four years of the show. After a while, they just stop mentioning it.
The problem, obviously, is that Julia is an awesome character, and she’s involved in all of the major storylines, and they’re not going to throw her away just because it no longer makes logical sense why she’s still standing in this room holding a book that doesn’t belong to her.
On other soap operas, this situation is usually solved by a sudden career change. On One Life to Live, for example, Natalie Buchanan started out as a college student, and when that storyline ran dry, she became a bartender, a hairstylist, a professional pool player, a receptionist, an executive in her family’s company and finally a police department forensics expert. At that point, the show was cancelled; if it had continued, she probably would have become an astronaut, a newspaper reporter, a fashion model and a right-fielder for the Atlanta Braves.
But this is Julia Hoffman, and she doesn’t need a career. She just talks, and fills the world with lies.
She tells Woodard that she’d been on Willie’s trail this whole time — she realized soon after she arrived that he had a dangerous personality disorder. Woodard is perplexed.
Woodard: Julia, if what you’re telling me now is the truth, then what was the reason for all of that talk you’ve been giving me lately about the supernatural?
Julia: Oh, I’m afraid I’ll have to apologize to you for that. It was a story I just made up to satisfy your curiosity about what I was doing.
Woodard: Well, I must say, you made a very good job of it. I’d really begun to think that it’s the truth.
Julia: That there really is a supernatural? Don’t be absurd!
The key phrase there, obviously, is: “if what you’re telling me now is the truth.” It isn’t. It never is with her.
He tries to pin her down on the details. Observe the technique.
Woodard: Well, how else do you account for this little girl, Sarah, appearing and disappearing for various people?
Julia: I don’t account for it at all. She has no bearing on the case.
Woodard: Oh, now, come on, Julia…
Julia: The case is solved. The kidnapper has been identified. What more do you want?
And just look at her expression: unbothered. Case closed.
Eventually, we get back to David, who’s trying to avoid talking to his aunt. Elizabeth knows that he’s been moody and remote since he was lost in the woods, and she wants to know what’s bothering him. If he’s worried about the man who kidnapped Maggie, then he doesn’t have to worry about that anymore; Willie’s been caught.
David leaps into action.
David: Willie didn’t kidnap Maggie. He didn’t attack anyone, either.
Liz: David, he was caught trying to break into Maggie’s room!
David: I don’t care! They shot the wrong man!
David decides that he’s got to consult Sarah about this right away. He runs downstairs, but on his way out, he stops and faces the portrait of Barnabas…
… and the portrait’s eyes are glowing, with a pulsing light.
David is terrified.
David: The eyes! The eyes! No! Leave me alone!
Vicki: David, please tell me what’s wrong!
David: The eyes in the painting! They were alive! I could feel them!
Oh, it’s wonderful. Maybe it’s okay if we don’t have the vampire every day. Who needs monsters when you have oil paintings?
Tomorrow: The Spirited Child.
Dark Shadows bloopers to watch out for:
Vicki says to David, “You used to love to go there, and we were the ones that told you it wasn’t safe. But that was before Barnabas fixed it over.” She means either “fixed it up” or “made it over”.
Woodard’s grasp of his lines in the first half of his scene with Julia is very loose. It’s especially bad when he says, “There’s always a chance of that, Julia, when there’s a spinal injury.” Then he just drifts off, clearly groping for what he’s supposed to say next. Julia skips ahead, and they continue the scene.
At the end of the episode, when David is afraid of the portrait, he says: “The eyes in the painting! They were blaring — blazing down at me right this minute!”
Behind the Scenes:
Joan Bennett is back as Elizabeth, after her usual month-long summer vacation. Her last appearance was taped on August 7, 1967. This episode was taped on September 6th.
The portrait’s eyes flashing with light is inspired by Bela Lugosi in the 1931 Dracula film. Director Tod Browning used a bar of light across Dracula’s face in several scenes to indicate the mesmerizing power of the vampire’s eyes.
Tomorrow: The Spirited Child.
Dark Shadows episode guide – 1967
— Danny Horn
Dark Shadows Every Day 
Elizabeth’s colorful wardrobe in this one is so conspicuous it looks like she borrowed it from Carolyn.
“Every time something happens around here, there’s always a dog hanging around!”
I love that line so much I keep hoping it’s in every episode where Sam shows up. It was the first real laugh out loud line back when I started watching these on video cassette remember those? Love Liz’s dress, viva 1967 !
Wasn’t that the RP lamp in the study with Julia and Woodard?
I thought David said the eyes is the painting were glaring, not blaring.
David misstates his line. Indeed he says “blaring,” and he quickly changes it to “blazing,” which is the correct line. (And Alexandra Moltke seems to smile and then turn her face away when he flubs the line.)
It is amazing just how much David carries the show during this series of episodes and is the one character who is actually capable of propelling the plot forward, if the other characters would just let him. “They shot the wrong man!” would save us about 3 weeks of soap grind if they would just believe him for once.
And it’s good to see Joan back after a month-long hiatus to the Hamptons or wherever. We’ve missed all of the hand-wringing and long Pinter pauses in her absence. I bet she would have been a great lady to elbow bend with and toss back a few gin rickeys with.
During the scene with Woodard and Julia, my first thought was that the actor playing Woodard might’ve had an adult beverage or two before the cameras started rolling. It’s less that he doesn’t remember his lines than that he doesn’t care to.
Towards the end of the scene Woodard teases Julia about having a crush on Barnabas, which I believe is the first time that anyone has suggested a romantic attraction between the two of them.
I have to mention it, because I haven’t seen any comment about it – but Grayson Hall has nice legs.
She sure does… for a dude!
I love Julia’s line about Barnabas being “the most dedicated night person” she’s ever known.
The look on Julia’s face at Dave’s suggestion that she has a romantic interest in Barnabas is a little hard to read but she seems to think it’s a possibility, though one that she hadn’t realized before.
If Elizabeth thought they were involved romantically, it might explain why she never hinted it was time for Julia to leave. The possibility of Julia and Barnabas having an affair must have crossed her mind. Julia is regularly at the Old House until the early hours of the morning.
Vicki’s use of “fix over” isn’t a blooper–that’s a legit idiom for redecorating.
Dr. Woodard’s gullibility must have given multiple generations the idea that med school can’t possibly be that difficult.
So, with Willie in a coma, and having presumably lost a considerable amount of blood, wouldn’t something about his blood be raising considerable questions for the medical staff and perhaps the police? And after the considerable time Maggie was missing, did no one think to check her blood again, particularly since she (and Mr. Loomis) was suffering from a blood condition prior to her abduction?
And since Wille is now the prime suspect in Maggie’s disappearance and abduction, has no one considered where he may have been holding her all that time? Shouldn’t someone be conducting a massive search of the old house for clues?
I for one prefer the portrait to the actor; at least the portrait never fucks up its lines.
And speaking of which, here’s good ol’ Joan Bennett, bygone glamour girl, back from a full month’s vacation and already her eyes are glued to the cue cards like every SNL actor in every SNL skit ever. Maybe they should have eased her back in with some of those nice thinky voiceovers for her to prerecord.
i also feel like we — and Liz — deserve some recognition of her return following her first getaway in 19 years. A “Welcome Home” banner, perhaps? A cupcake with a candle? A casual “So, how was it, whadja do?” from… anyone?