Tag Archives: must die

Episode 329: Willie Loomis Must Die

Ron Sproat, September 1967, , , , ,

“I’m afraid of the night! Don’t let it be dark! Please, don’t let it be dark!”

Willie’s been in a coma for several days now, recovering from getting shot in the back by a trigger-happy police squad. If he comes out of the coma, then he might tell the Sheriff that Barnabas is a vampire, so Julia’s been sent to Willie’s hospital room to make sure that doesn’t happen.

In yesterday’s episode, Julia was considering pulling out Willie’s IV. Today she’s decided to go the slow route instead, killing the patient with secondhand smoke.

Dr. Woodard, like the fool he is, comes up behind Julia and tells her that he thinks the Sheriff’s right — he doesn’t think Willie was the kidnapper. Julia takes a drag on her cigarette, turns around, and blows a puff of smoke right into his face.

Continue reading Episode 329: Willie Loomis Must Die →

Episode 304: Scooby-Doo Must Die

August 1967, Ron Sproat, , , , ,

“I don’t know what you’re thinking about, but whatever it is, I’m sure you’re quite wrong.”

So here’s something you don’t want to see on your doorstep first thing in the morning — Burke Devlin, all self-righteous and shouty. He gets right up in Willie’s face and says, “I have to see Mr. Collins.”

Willie says that Barnabas isn’t home; he left early this morning and didn’t say where he was going.

Burke shouts, “You’re lying! I saw him come into this house before sunrise this morning, and he never came out.”

Stunned, Willie says, “You’ve been spying on him?”

“Well, I’ve been watching him,” Burke says, splitting hairs.

Willie asks the obvious question. “Why?”

“Because I find Mr. Collins a very odd person,” Burke says, “and the same goes for you.”

So there you go — any last shred of sympathy that we might have had for Burke, tossed away in a weird moment of spiteful bitchery. As a general rule, if you’ve been standing outside behind a tree all night, waiting for a guy to come home, then you lose any right to call other people odd. It doesn’t matter if the guy you’re spying on turns out to be a vampire. You are part of the problem.

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Episode 301: Burke Devlin Must Die

August 1967, Malcolm Marmorstein, , , ,

“He’ll go down there in that cellar, and he’ll find a coffin. And he’ll want to know about it.”

Last week, the tall, dark and vaguely handsome Burke Devlin proposed to Victoria Winters, the Collins family governess. She needs some time to think about the proposal, although there doesn’t seem to be any reason why she should say no. They’ve been dating for a while, he’s immensely rich, and she doesn’t really know that many guys.

Of course, I’m not saying that I particularly care about whether these two get together or not. I’d be much happier if they both went to a World Peace Conference in Geneva and never came back, like the original Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.

Continue reading Episode 301: Burke Devlin Must Die →