“We should leave this house, and let it stand deserted!”
Today’s situation report: Roger, who killed Angelique, has killed Liz, and is hiding her in Angelique’s room, while Angelique is hiding Julia, who killed Julia, in the basement. I literally cannot make it any plainer than that.
We’re currently living in the end times of Parallel Time, a rickety storyline staggering towards a finish line that’s been buried in the sand like the Statue of Liberty in an ape movie. Almost everyone is dead, and the cast list is getting shorter by the day. There are three more murders coming in the next two episodes, as everyone settles whatever scores they have left, without the assistance of law enforcement or common sense.
Collinwood of Parallel Time is a post-apocalyptic landscape, where War Boys and Smokers and Postmen deal out frontier justice from their supersonic speedcycles. And we can’t count on the main characters to help, because one of them is locked in the basement, and the other one is busy trying to half-wake a comatose girl using electricity and face-touching. I know what Tina Turner said, but we do actually need another hero, and if anyone has one, please direct him or her to Parallel Collinwood immediately.
Unpaid dilettante Roger Collins has murdered his third relative of the year, which should be a record for the Collins family but isn’t. He may not run the business in this time band, and his only pastime is drinking and being snide, but he’s managed to exterminate undead ice witch Angelique, his niece Carolyn and his sister Elizabeth, and he’s considering going for a new high score. It just goes to show what you can achieve if you really put your mind to it.
He killed Elizabeth because she figured out that he’d killed Carolyn, and he killed Carolyn because she figured out that he’d killed Angelique, and he killed Angelique because — well, I’m sure he had a good reason, that’s all. Anyway, that one didn’t stick.
“You had to kill Elizabeth,” his conscience assures him, because this is a world that’s exactly the same except Jiminy Cricket has made different choices. “She would have called the police! Someone will — someone else! Is this never going to end?” Obviously, the idea of taking responsibility for his own actions never occurs to him; the man’s a Collins.
Then he has a brainstorm: “I know — Quentin! Quentin killed her! They can be made to think that!” He’s doing all of this in thinks, because the last time he thought out loud, he had to murder somebody. He’s getting better at this.
Roger’s cousin Quentin is a fugitive from justice, accused of killing an assortment of people who were actually murdered by other people. He’s currently hiding out in a cave on the beach, except he isn’t, because he’s here.
When the scene starts, Quentin is hiding behind the drapes, which is adorable, because the drapes only cover about one-sixth of his body. I guess he figures if anyone sees him, he can just murder them and stash them somewhere else in the house; that’s what everybody else does.
Border control is a real issue in Collinwood these days; felons are free to come and go as they please, eavesdropping and gossiping just like everyone else. The extreme vetting is not helping.
You can tell that Quentin’s been hiding in a cave for the last several days, because his hair’s all mussed up and he’s got five o’clock shadow, which is super cute and if this was the 90s that’s how he would look all the time.
Quentin tells Angelique that he heard the servants talking about Carolyn’s death, which is still a top headline because they don’t know about Elizabeth yet. He asks who killed Carolyn, and Angelique honestly has no idea. She’s usually the one who murders people around here. She knows that neither Quentin or Maggie did it, because they’re the people that she’s framing, but this murder was off the books.
Angelique knows if Carolyn was killed by someone in the house, then it’s either Roger, Liz, Julia, the butler or one of the kids. But one person on that list has already been killed, and another is locked up in the cellar, so the police lineup has pretty much narrowed itself down. And yet she walks in and out of rooms, having conversations with anybody who happens to be there. Angelique’s already been murdered once so far, and this is probably why. Some people never learn.
Meanwhile, Julia’s trapped in a box in the basement, playing with candles. Angelique has taken Julia off the grid, keeping her locked up until she either reveals Barnabas’ secret or dies of exposure. This is what happens when you allow a mansion to become its own municipality; there are good neighborhoods and bad neighborhoods.
Upstairs, Roger returns to the scene of the crime, to see if there’s any bits of Liz that he left behind. Angelique happens by, not for any particular reason; I have no idea what these people do when they’re not murdering or framing each other.
“Aren’t you afraid to be in here?” Angelique asks, and Roger says, “Why should I be?”
“Well, the room keeps changing, you know that!” she says, meaning that there’s an unstable dimensional boundary in this room, and it’s possible for people to slip back and forth between different bands of time, just by standing here. This is a good point, although it doesn’t explain why Angelique is in this room all the time, up to and including now.
That’s how grim things have become in this house; they’re teetering on the edge of so many precipices that they can’t keep track of which ones they’re supposed to be concerned about. There is a room in the house where it’s possible to fall backwards into a different universe, and they don’t put up any police tape, or post a warning sign on the door.
Just to prove the point, Maggie runs in and announces that Liz’s body has been found in the tower room. Roger shouts “Oh my god!” and rushes off to pretend to be sad, but Angelique sticks around and helps Maggie to a chair. Yeah, the room could change, but who cares? Nobody is afraid of anything in this toxic nuclear summer of a house. You’re going to die anyway; you might as well have a seat while you’re waiting.
And Angelique takes this as another opportunity to drive a wedge between Maggie and Quentin, as if the second violent death in two days is just another tool that she can use for her soap vixen schemes. She doesn’t actually know who killed Elizabeth or why, but all she cares about is issuing press releases filled with alternative facts.
And then Quentin actually comes back from the cave for another conversation in Angelique’s room. I swear, I don’t know what to do with these people; they are absolutely incapable of taking any logical steps to protect themselves from anything.
Angelique says thank goodness you weren’t here before, the police came through and searched the house, and they might have found you, although they didn’t find Julia, who’s hidden in a place where Quentin could have been hiding, unless he’s eavesdropping on the servants or jumping out of a window or standing behind a couch. At this point, the police are just an idea, rather than a literal group of people.
He stands around being morose about why Maggie would want to kill Elizabeth, and Angelique urges him to quit worrying about it and go back to the cave. “And will that stop me from what I’m thinking?” he retorts, as he sinks into a chair and just sits there.
So this must be a new season of Survivor: Collinwood, that’s the only explanation. Vacancies are popping up all over the house, but the final four contestants keep drinking brandy and competing in immunity challenges.
At one point, Angelique announces that the housekeeper has left, and Maggie and Roger are both startled. “Well, that’s incredible!” Roger says. What are you thinking? How many people need to die before you recognize that you live in a warzone?
But Maggie is finally taking a first step towards thinking clearly. She says that she’s taken the children into town, and she’s come back to pack. She doesn’t say where she dropped the kids off, but it doesn’t really matter. Even hanging around on the docks would be a healthier environment than Collinwood is.
Then Maggie goes upstairs to pack, and she finds Quentin in her room, who accuses her of being a witch and tries to murder her.
So that’s how we end up here, in the Thunderdome. Maggie runs away from Quentin, straight to the most hazardous room in the house, where she gradually realizes that she’s locked in a room with the person that she should have been running away from.
Although honestly I don’t even know if that would have helped; Maggie is clearly not very skilled at leaving the house. The three people that she’s talked to today all want to murder her; it’s a tossup which one actually gets to her first.
So I think we need some motorcycle gangs in here, riding through the desert wasteland; it couldn’t possibly make things worse, and it might be an improvement. Is there still a Green Place we could get to? It doesn’t even have to be that green. It’s the orange and pink we need to get away from.
Tomorrow: Famous Last Words.
Dark Shadows bloopers to watch out for:
Quentin tells Angelique, “I don’t have any idea to stop what’s going on around here.”
In act 1, when Julia rushes to bang on the door, the camera swings wide, and we can see past the edge of the set.
Quentin and Angelique talk over each other, when they’re talking about Liz’s death.
Maggie tells Roger, “I’d like to take David and Amy away from here.” She means Daniel. Later, she tells Angelique, “I’ll be up in David’s room.”
Not a blooper, just amazing: At the end of the teaser, when Julia worries about being trapped in a sealed room with just one candle, she takes a couple steps back and instinctively finds the one spot in the set where she can get some light on her face.
Tomorrow: Famous Last Words.
— Danny Horn
Dark Shadows Every Day 
”Angelique’s already been murdered once, and this is probably why. Some people never learn.”
Kill me once, shame on you. Kill me twice, shame on me.
”Upstairs, Roger returns to the scene of the crime, to see if there’s any bits of Liz that he left behind.”
You never know when one of those 1917 models is gonna pop a wiglet.
”So I think we need some motorcycle gangs in here, riding through the desert wasteland…”
Where is Parallel Buzz when you need him? Probably wearing vegan shoes and leading a unicycle club.
I was sooooo hoping Liz’s body would be missing, and then she and Carolyn emerge from the secret room behind the portrait as vampires.
Good god…has Roger made an ascot out of his late sister’s headscarf?
I laughed audibly at that.
The REAL reason Para-Roger killed Para-Liz! Next, he’ll get that Angora sweater of hers, and change his name to Glen(da)…
Yes, I noticed he was back with the ascot. Three piece suits must be his killing clothes.
In episode 981, Barnabas hides behind the same curtains:
and apart from not actually standing BEHIND the drapes, only their head and shoulders are – those are SHEER drapes, which can be seen through quite easily (hence the name). It’s the dramatic equivalent of –
Character 1: Ssshh! They’ll hear you!
Character 2: What?
Character 1: I SAID, THEY’LL HEAR YOU!
Character 2: Hear me what?
Character 1: Hear you TALKING! SO BE QUIET!
Character 2: BE WHAT?
Character 1: QUIET! QUIET!
Character 2: Oh. Okay.
So basically it’s like using the Cone of Silence on GET SMART (“What?”)
Oh, they’re forever doing that kind of stuff on TV – one character leaves the shot, and not two seconds later, the characters “tailing” them step in,
‘Think he saw us?’
‘Nah.’
Well, if he didn’t, he’s blind, and if he didn’t just HEAR you, he’s deaf, because you can’t be more than ten feet from him!
Like when Roger and Burke went Jason-hunting after the aborted wedding to Liz; there’s Jason, standing behind a couple of twigs, and the Bobbsey Twins in the background,
‘Do you see him?’
‘I thought I had.’
Come on, he’s right THERE!
There are lots of those things on DS, like Tim Shaw licking his finger every two seconds while reading the book (which should have been set up differently, to show time elapsing, so it didn’t look so silly (and gross)).
I know, I know, it would make the scene drag if it were done sensibly.
Ah yes, isn’t it always the way. The murderer snaps his twig, the cheese falls off his cracker, he starts talking to himself and/or posting incoherent statements on Twitter. And as with every villain there’s always a slip-up at the most inopportune time. And then there’s Maggie, quickly putting two and two together and realizing she’s in the arms of the real killer. Yet she too can’t just wait it out and lets it slip she knows the truth, or suspects it. And Roger Lydecker is ready to kill again. Silly Maggie, You’ve given Roger a reason to kill you
“Maggie tells Roger, “I’d like to take David and Amy away from here.” She means Daniel. Later, she tells Angelique, “I’ll be up in David’s room.” ”
My sweet petunia…can you imagine the psychological turmoil David Hennessy must have been under? “Who am i today? Daniel…David…Jamison… Get me outta here!”
“David” is just Daniel’s nickname. It may not have fewer syllables, but it’s shorter by one letter. Amy’s full name is Sophronia May.
Speaking of Jamison I always thought Dark Shadows missed a great opportunity with Nora Collins. We know from early episodes that Jamison died around 1946 but they never mentioned Nora post 1897. I imagined her as this as this eccentric, globe-trotting aunt of Roger and Elizabeth who would flounce into town periodically, even into her 80s
Nora could have been the mother of Aunt Katherine, who David and Carolyn visited in 1967.
That would make her Cousin Katherine, wouldn’t it? I always assumed she was Liz and Rogers at on their mother’s side.
I always imagined Nora Collins became a silent screen star, changing her last name along the way to Desmond (after one of her ancestors)…
I thought Holding Out For a Hero was Bonnie Tyler.
Tina Turner was We Don’t Need Another Hero from Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome – but Holding Out For A Hero would work, too. 🙂
On Dark Shadows, “Hero Takes A Fall” by the Bangles might be more appropriate.
Or Saxon’s Broken Heroes.
Or The Stranglers’ No More Heroes.
Or Rush’s Nobody’s Hero.
Stranglers reference?!! Points!!
I need a hero. [Barnabas shows up, is shooed away]. I’m holding out for a hero til the end of the night. [Julia entered, is eagerly accepted]. For she’s got to be strong and she got to be fast, and she’s got to be fresh from the fight.
I forget – does Angelique have Quentin under some kind of spell now or or is he just being a blockhead all on his own?
No need for Angelique’s spells to make him dim. PT Quentin is a lox. I still think he should have BEEN the Jekyll/Hyde character or played detective and killed him. It would have been a rousing way to keep the story moving when everyone was in Westchester–and we wouldn’t have needed to WAIT for a hero since we already had one.
Pretty much all psychological manipulation rather than straight spell casting. First she wanted him to fall in love with her again–nowadays I’m not sure which page of the menu she’s on.
1) Angelique’s dress is moire-ing like crazy on my computer screen. Is it like that in the episode? (I’ve been told never to wear anything remotely like that on TV because it confuses the video gods.)
2) I never noticed before that you don’t use the Oxford comma. I like it, personally, but your style is more breathless.
Re 2)
Correct punctuation saves lives!
Example –
Let’s eat mother.
Let’s eat, mother.
Mother?
She eats shoots and leaves.
Sorry. I flunked out of Oxford!
Still, you got in at Oxford, that’s the difficult bit. 😀
“He’s doing all of this in thinks, because the last time he thought out loud, he had to murder somebody. He’s getting better at this.”
Is he though? Or is there just nobody left alive to talk to?
Today’s entry made me laugh out loud. I needed that.
It’s kinda funny how all this is going down and Julia and Barnabus aren’t involved at all.
Makes one wonder how PT would have played out if B&J hadn’t gone universe-hopping.
It’s true! They’ve been sidelined, Julia in the most literal sense! This batch of Collins nitwits are more than capable of offing themselves with only one witch manipulating them.
Say what you want about Mags, but she’s the only one who even remembers Davinel and Amy still exist, and bundled them off to the Inn with Invisible Chris.
Nora Collins is one of Dark Shadows’ loose ends. I’m sure some imaginative folk could work up a story about her. Maybe she had a daughter named Betty Hanscomb who became the mother of Victoria Winters.
My idea was that she would have gone off to Egypt in the 20s on a Howard Carter dig (We know little Nora was into Egyptology). Then she’d turn up in Collinwood in 1972 (played by Isabella Hoopes) with a mysterious sarcophagus.
The we get to see a DS take on “The Mummy”.
Is that door to the basement dungeon supposed to be made out of stone or wood? Either way Angelique pushes it open and closed way too easily.
There’s a point when one of Julia’s candles has almost completely burned down, but there’s nowhere near enough wax on the table to account for that.
I love that Elizabeth has her handkerchief monogrammed in 2 inch tall letters in black ink!
Aha! I knew I remembered at least one other PT character calling Daniel David! I just didn’t remember that it was Maggie, or that she did it twice in the same episode.
This almost made me spit out my coffee:
“We’re currently living in the end times of Parallel Time, a rickety storyline staggering towards a finish line that’s been buried in the sand like the Statue of Liberty in an ape movie.”
So I already loved Angelique but now I LOVE her for wanting to do away with Julia, the most irritating character on the show. I love Angelique’s dress!
Quentin’s eyebrows looked painted on when he first steps out from behind the curtain. But then later on they look back to normal.