Episode 1037: The Things That Have Been Happening

“I’ve just been thinking about the things that have been happening around here — not just to me, but to everyone!”

The audience applauds, as Kermit the Frog takes the stage. “Tonight, we’ve got a real treat for you,” he promises, “because our very special guest stars are that world-famous knife-throwing act, Lesley and Warren!”

Then a woman walks onstage to correct him, and the penny drops.

“Wait a minute,” says the frog, “you’re not Lesley and Warren, you’re Lesley Ann Warren — the actor, the dancer, the singer!”

She smiles. “Yes, thank you.”

“So, how come you’re doing a dumb knife-throwing act?”

Lesley shakes her head. “You know, Kermit, I thought you were the one person on this show who wasn’t crazy.”

“Me, not crazy?” asks Kermit. “I hired the others!”

Which brings us to Maggie Collins, the purported mistress of Parallel Collinwood, who’s supposed to be the sane one but look who she hangs out with.

Maggie has just returned from a stint at crazy-person sleepaway camp, where her close friend Cyrus dressed up as a mustachioed madman and tried to get her to fall in love with him. It didn’t work.

Now she’s alone in the house with her erratic and explosive husband, an undead ice witch, and a criminal-minded composer who’s currently trying to extort money in exchange for evidence in a murder investigation. Not the murder that he committed, of course; this is a different murder. Maggie’s going through a rough patch in the area of not interacting with lunatics.

The traditional way of looking at this story would be to say that Angelique and Bruno are the villains, and Quentin and Maggie are innocent victims of their wicked manipulation. But there’s a difference between a victim and a volunteer, and Maggie keeps re-enlisting.

For example: a little over a week ago, Maggie ran from the house in fear and frustration, because she was hearing voices of the dead, and her husband was not supportive about it at all.

Quentin has heard the voices of the dead himself, several times, up to and including six weeks ago, when the spirit of Dameon Edwards taunted him into hanging himself. But Quentin didn’t think that was relevant to the current situation, and he accused Maggie of making things up.

“Quentin,” she cried, “are you in some sort of conspiracy against me, trying to drive me mad?”

“How dare you say that!” Quentin shouted, and then she ran out of the house and got kidnapped.

Now, the kidnapping part was not Quentin’s fault, but the rest of it was. These issues have not been resolved in any way.

Post-kidnapping, here’s Quentin’s version of an apology: “Look, I’m sorry that I reacted the way I did to your disappearance. If I’d been as calm as Barnabas was, then I would realize that you hadn’t run away.”

This is a decent start — I didn’t realize Quentin even knew the phrase “I’m sorry” — but it doesn’t address the underlying issue of why Maggie ran from the house in tears in the first place.

But Maggie keeps on volunteering, so she says, “Quentin, please, it’s all over. Let’s forget about it.” People are always saying that after hostage situations.

Quentin asks, “Am I forgiven?” and Maggie says, “Yes, of course.”

“You know, you don’t say that as if you really mean it,” he says, and oh my god Quentin why are you so bad at being a husband?

But let’s look in on the other two mental cases in the house today: “Alexis” and Bruno, who are examining a journal that Bruno found while he was trying to steal money from Cyrus’ safe.

On the cover of the journal, Cyrus had written, “PRIVATE — in the event of my death, this is to be presented unread to my friend Quentin Collins”. I don’t know who Cyrus thought would discover this journal, but considering the high rate of mental instability in his social circle, he probably should have thought about a stronger deterrent than writing the word “PRIVATE” in capital letters. For one thing, he could have given it to a lawyer, if there are any left that haven’t had the life force sucked out of them.

Inside, Bruno discovered a note which reveals who murdered Angelique, Quentin’s first wife. In fact, Angelique has secretly resurrected herself and now lives at Collinwood pretending to be her twin sister, so it’s kind of a no harm-no foul situation in re: the murder, but Angelique is still taking it personally. I guess I can’t blame her for being curious.

So Bruno approached “Alexis” with the journal, and five thousand dollars later, here she is, reading it.

Here’s what Cyrus wrote:

I have on this night committed a great wrong, as a human being and a doctor. You will never know the agony I have suffered since the seance. You see, Quentin, I know the truth. I know that Angelique was murdered tonight… and I know that you murdered her!

When I examined the body, I discovered the hatpin that you’d lodged in the base of her skull while the lights were out. Everyone at the seance saw you with your hands around her throat when the lights came on again, but only I knew what really happened.

So, the hatpin. I’m going to go ahead and assume that it’s actually possible to murder someone by thrusting a hatpin into the base of their skull, no matter how unlikely that seems. My question is: Where did the fatal hatpin come from? Who even wears hats that need pins? We’ve been in this parallel band of time for months now, and I don’t think I’ve seen a single hat.

Only moments ago, I signed the death certificate stating that Angelique died of a stroke. You may ask yourself why I chose to do this. I knew that certain events at the seance had hurt you deeply, that you had worked yourself into a rage — a wild, jealous rage.

… and then you went and found a hatpin. Why is he not considering the practicalities of this? Quentin already had two hands around Angelique’s throat. Where was the third hand he needed, to procure and manipulate the hatpin? Could you even do that, in the dark, with one hand, while the victim was struggling to breathe?

And in that terrible state, you had killed her without knowing what you were doing!

That is probably the most cracker-barrel statement in this whole account. Quentin didn’t know that he was skillfully concealing a hatpin? How could that possibly happen, without knowing what he was doing? I don’t know, maybe Angelique had a stroke after all, and the hatpin in her skull was just a coincidence.

You are not an evil man, Quentin, and I know you deeply loved Angelique. God forgive me for taking it upon myself for being your judge and jury.

So that’s great. That’s Dr. Cyrus Longworth, human being and doctor. By the way, Cyrus was running a research project looking into the nature of good and evil, but it doesn’t seem to have gotten him anywhere.

Anyway, Angelique obviously finds all of this quite disturbing, and she vows to take her revenge on Quentin. Her revenge-against-Quentin plan turns out to be exactly the same as her make-Quentin-fall-in-love-with-me plan.

Okay, back to the newlyweds, for some more volunteer service. Maggie is sitting by the fire, thinking things over, and Quentin stops by to explain once again why he disagrees with every single thing that she ever says.

Quentin:  What are you thinking about?

Maggie:  Cyrus.

Quentin:  Now, it won’t do any good to keep thinking about that.

Maggie:  No, I’m not reliving the experience, not at all. I’ve just been thinking about the things that have been happening around here lately — not just to me, but to everyone! I was wondering if Cyrus might be responsible for it all.

Quentin:  Impossible, Maggie.

And speaking of impossible, is there any point in these chronicles where Parallel Quentin allows Maggie to complete a thought, before he lectures her on how wrong she is?

Maggie:  Quentin, think about it! Think how wrong we were about him!

Quentin:  Listen, what happened was the result of Cyrus’ insane experiment. He only became evil after he became Yaeger!

Which is just … wait, what?

Maggie:  But, Quentin, Yaeger and Cyrus were one and the same man, with two different personalities! Isn’t it possible that, as Yaeger, Cyrus could have done these things?

Quentin:  Oh, anything’s possible. But why would Yaeger want to destroy our lives?

Ummm, maybe because that is exactly what he was trying to do? He wanted to break up their marriage, so he could swoop in and steal Maggie.

Maggie:  Cyrus was a very inhibited man. It’s possible that underneath, he harbored some deep resentment toward us all.

Quentin:  I don’t buy that.

Okay, seriously, do you actually listen to what Maggie says, or are you just running through the thesaurus in your head to find another synonym for “you’re wrong”?

Quentin:  We all know that there was something wrong with Cyrus. But too many different things have happened to us recently! If he was responsible for all of those things, he wouldn’t have had time to do anything else!

Which is so ridiculous that I can’t even refute it. What are you talking about? How is it possible that you’re having this conversation on television?

So it’s actually kind of a relief when Angelique casts a magic spell that puts Maggie under her hypnotic control, getting her to stand up, walk to Angelique’s room, steal a chain and then pretend to practice witchcraft in front of Quentin, who screams that she’s the witch responsible for destroying their lives.

I mean, at least we know that during this sequence, Maggie’s under Angelique’s control. I wonder whose control she’s under the rest of the time?

Tomorrow: The Spy Who Loved Me.


Dark Shadows bloopers to watch out for:

When Angelique eavesdrops outside the drawing room, a boom mic hovers over Quentin and Maggie.

Maggie trips on a step when she walks upstairs.

Tomorrow: The Spy Who Loved Me.

Dark Shadows episode guide

— Danny Horn

26 thoughts on “Episode 1037: The Things That Have Been Happening

  1. That was one of my all-time favorite Muppet Show gags! Loved when they moved on to Les, Lee, and Warren.

    ”I don’t know who Cyrus thought would discover this journal, but considering the high rate of mental instability in his social circle, he probably should have thought about a stronger deterrent than writing the word ‘PRIVATE’ in capital letters.”

    He probably figured on Sabrina being the one with access to his papers. And all you have to do to keep Sabrina from reading something is to use a lot of big words and not keep it in a Lisa Frank folder.

  2. So, the notion here is that our hero Quentin didn’t actually kill his wife, he just tried to strangle her? It’s like the O.J. Simpson Story where the best case scenario is that he’s only a domestic abuser and not an actual killer.

  3. I would like to see a Muppets-DS crossover.

    Like Miss Piggy giving Angelique advice.

    “I have destroyed his family, cursed him, hounded him in every possible way, and he STILL does not love me”

    “Try karate chopping him.”

    1. I would have loved for the bat to have been a muppet character who was Angelique’s smart-assed sidekick. I can just hear him talking back to her.

      1. I would have loved for the bat to have been a muppet character who was Angelique’s smart-assed sidekick.

        Speaking of the bat, the original is up for auction on ebay (a Profiles in History live auction on June 27th, to be specific) for the starting price of $30,000. It says it was in the show and the movie (with a list of episodes containing it throughout the run) and was originally sold by the Bairds in 1987. If nothing else, it gives us a chance to look at detailed pictures of it.

        http://www.ebay.com/itm/Dark-Shadows-hero-Bill-Baird-Vampire-Bat-puppet-also-used-in-the-feat-Lot-79

        1. Oh, my! Look at those ears — was Bill Baird’s bat prior to Dark Shadows by chance a Mouseketeer? I seem to remember the bat having a more intense look about it, something like bloodshot eyes and a formidable set of teeth.

          For this sort of an obvious Muppet-like mock-up, with a starting price of $30,000 they should at least throw in full, life-size recreations of every Dark Shadows set the bat appeared in.

  4. In addition to more of this Maggie-Quentin nonsense making us long for PT to be over, I always thought this was a wasted episode, delaying the reunion of Barnabas and Julia.

  5. So far we’ve seen Quentin as a husband in two universes and I have to say, I’m unimpressed with his performance in either one.

    1. PT Joe took PT Burke Devlin’s offer of $2375 in exchange for information on the Collins family so he could make the down payment on the boat he wanted. He and PT Carolyn broke up when she found out. PT Joe stopped going to the PT diner to be served PT coffee by PT Maggie, because he soon went to work for PT Burke at the PT Logansport enterprises, and did very well for himself as the captain of Burke’s PT fishing fleet. He eventually married another waitress from the PT Collinsport Inn restaurant, PT Silent Susie, who moved from PT Collinsport to work in a hotel coffee shop in PT Logansport for reasons that are note clearly known, as PT Silent Susie, as with her RT counterpart, was very hush-hush on the matter. They seem to have prospered and lived happily ever after, and from what PT Joe has told friends, their marriage always worked so well because PT Silent Susie was always such a good listener.

      1. Very amusing, Prisoner! This PT story arc you just described proved to be quite popular indeed. So popular that the powers-that-be at ABC decided to take a risk on a new spinoff soap featuring Burke, Maggie, Joe, and no-longer-silent Susie titled “Dark Shadows, Logansport.” It ran for 20 years, accumulated numerous well-deserved Emmys, including scenic design for Sy Tomashoff’s design of the cannery, and earned the distinction of being only the 2nd soap opera in history ever to have all of its episodes preserved for posterity on DVD with the discs shipped in a big box weighing 25 pounds in the shape of a talking Blue Whale coffee maker. Instead of a Jonathan Frid autographed card inside the gift box, the whale has a ring on its tail you can pull. When you pull the string, fresh hot coffee shoots up like a fountain out of the whale’s spout while a recording of Kathryn Leigh Scott asks the burning question, “How about another cup of coffee?”

        1. Fantastic! I always did prefer Knots Landing to Dallas.
          Oh well – guess PT Maggie and I are just going to have to accept the fact that PT Joe isn’t going to drive up to Collinwood in his white Dodge Charger and rescue her.
          She’s stuck with Prince Charmless.

          1. On a happy note, PT Sam Evans was never blinded by PT Angelique or killed by PT Adam. Sure, small-town tongues began to wag when he fell into a May-November romance with young interior decorator PT Donna Friedlander. But, they shared an artistic temperament and she managed to keep him off the bottle.

      2. Wonderfully droll! I’m curious about the taste of PT Coffee.

        But the nit-picker in me can’t help but wonder why PT Burke would have a grudge against the PT Collinses, since PT Roger is a sap and there is no evidence of a PT Laura or PT Hansen.

  6. Quentin is virtually non-existent during Leviathan and a super dick during Parallel time. I can’t believe they destroyed such a great character so quickly. It’s depressing to watch.

    I can’t even remember now if Quentin gets better during the summer of 1970 or in 1840.

    1. I think their mistake with Quentin in “Collinwood Prime” was making him ageless and confining themselves with his character. Had he been transported forward through time from 1897 (and maybe winding up with temporary time travel amnesia) it could have worked better,.Like Barnabas he would have been a man of of time trying to adjust to the modern world. As it was Quentin had been traveling around for 73 years and he just seemed world weary as someone who had seen it all and had no ambition.

  7. Maybe this is the writers secret plot to destroy David Selby, because he is so good-looking. Quentin is such a super douche in PT time. What could have been a GREAT story became a boring one.

  8. It’s a wonder they didn’t instead center on the “Angelique steals the Barnabas story” format… Certainly a MUCH better show…….and capitalizing on Barrnabas knowing it, but Angelique thinks the story is her own!!!!!

  9. Well…if the PT characters are supposed to be kinda opposite from their Real Time counterparts then I guess Selby’s performance makes sense.
    Real Time Quentin is an adorable scoundrel who gets away with murder cause of his youth, beauty and charm – and sense of humor. PT Quentin is a shouting, insufferable, humorless jerk that people tolerate only because he is rich.
    So – Mission Accomplished.

    1. PT Quentin is nicer to Cyrus, even after he finds out about Yeager then he is to his own wife Maggie. So yeah, Mission Accomplished is right!

    2. It’s funny — the characters in PT had differences that ranged from subtle to very different. Some random character comparisons (SPOILER ALERT):

      PT Liz: Less confident. The moral compass is mostly there, though. She’s hobbled by not being the mistress of Collinwood. Variation from RT Liz on scale of 1 (practically the same) to 10 (being wildly different): 3.

      PT Amy: Practically the same girl. Variation: 1.

      PT Roger: More like the RT Roger of 1966. But with even fewer morals and even sharper tongue. But overall, same guy. Biggest difference — this Roger kills. Variation: 7 because of the murder spree. Otherwise, he’d get a 3 or 4.

      PT Carolyn: The differences are nuanced. A most interesting character display. PT Carolyn seems more cynical and bitter. RT Carolyn still believes in love. PT Carolyn seems to have more flair with fashion. Well-played by Nancy Barrett. Variation: 2.

      PT William: Shares his counterpart’s nervousness, but definitely has more ambitions, education, chic-capturing ability and occasional bursts of confidence. All in all, this is a pretty different guy from our Willie. Variation: 7.

      PT Angelique: I think she’s the most interesting one to compare and contrast. They are both selfish and evil. PT Angelique doesn’t seem to be a fully formed witch, though. She also seemed to have a greater capacity to be loved — she had all kinds of fans in PT. Angelique never had such adoration — or status. It made PT Angelique more confident in some ways. Variation: 4.

      PT Maggie: Maggie is Maggie is Maggie. RT Maggie seems more feisty and less dependent on her man. Variation: 2 or 3

      PT Bruno: One is a suave thug in a cult and the other is a suave thug who plays music. They are both random loners who pop up at Collinwood who really added nothing by being there. Variation: 2.

      PT Stokes: RT Stokes is inquisitive, self-confident and kind. PT shares his interest in the occult, but that’s about. Almost a polar opposite. Get my vote for most opposite character. Variation: 9.

      PT Julia: Both are loyal to a bad person and will lie or worse for that person. RT Julia clearly had more ambition for herself, more self-interest (she doesn’t live entirely for Barnabas the way Hoffman lives entirely for Angelique) and also a capacity for kindness, too, that we never saw in Hoffman. And Julia never let anyone call her “Hoffman.” Variation: 5 or 6.

      PT Daniel/David: Same boy, different names. Variation: 2 because of the name switch. Otherwise, I didn’t see a single difference.

      PT Sabrina: Same soul-sucking blandness in both times. PT Sabrina could at least do basement lab work. Variation: 2.

      PT Quentin: There’s been much discussion about the two Quentins. Variation: 5 or 6.

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