Episode 857: All of Him

“It sounds coocoo, going through a door that ain’t there!”

Anything is possible beyond the I Ching door… ANYTHING!

What, you need me to be more specific? All right. Dig this.

857 dark shadows aristede petofi eyebrow

To start with, Quentin Collins is now Count Andreas Petofi, and vice versa. The mad Count has used his legendary Hand to exchange bodies with Quentin, because Quentin is immortal, and Petofi needs a host body to jump into when he uses the I Ching to travel from the late 19th century to the swinging sixties in order to escape a gang of angry gypsies. I agree with you, that’s a preposterous premise for a soap opera storyline, but if you leave Dark Shadows alone for a while, then that’s the kind of thing that they come up with.

The body swap is a farce storyline as seen almost exclusively in comedies, including Freaky Friday, Gilligan’s Island, The Hot Chick and Captain Underpants and the Big, Bad Battle of the Bionic Booger Boy, but Dark Shadows is committed to playing it as serious drama for Quentin, to the extent that anything on Dark Shadows can be serious drama.

Of course, they’ve done lots of possession stories before — maybe thirty percent of Dark Shadows is about somebody acting according to somebody else’s will. A couple months ago, Count Petofi went on a possession spree, with Jamison acting like Petofi, Edward inhabited by a butler, and Charity becoming a music-hall mentalist who’s still refusing to vacate the premises. These days, Kitty Hampshire is suffering from Intermittent Josette Syndrome, and if it turns out that she’s actually a reincarnation of Josette, then I suppose she’s being possessed by herself, which is a neat trick if you can manage it.

But they’ve never gone full body swap before, forcibly decanting the original inhabitant into his tormentor’s body. Quentin is now trapped inside a weak, elderly lunatic with no friends and negligible sex appeal, and we’re meant to appreciate the helpless horror of it all.

857 dark shadows petofi trask edward

Although I suppose the question on the table is whether Quentin and Count Petofi are actually different people in the first place. The villainous madman finds it fairly easy to slip into Quentin’s role, because our antihero isn’t exactly a Boy Scout himself.

At the top of today’s episode, he walks into a fight between his brother Edward and the wretched Reverend Trask over who controls the Collins fortune. This is an issue that doesn’t affect Petofi directly, and therefore he’s utterly bored by the topic, which is pretty much the same way that the real Quentin would react. He just walks over to the liquor cabinet and drinks brandy instead of listening to people, a typical Quentin Collins power move.

Trask lays into “Quentin” for seducing Amanda, setting her on the path toward ruin and then forgetting about her, which is true. Yes, the real Quentin is currently more or less tormented over the fact that Amanda skipped town without him, while Petofi couldn’t really care less, but those are details. Quentin’s love affairs with Jenny, Laura and Beth all ended in murder attempts, and he simply moved on to the next one. Petofi is just accelerating the Amanda-abandoning process that would have happened eventually anyway.

After Trask storms out, Edward gives his supposed sibling the side-eye. “Something is different about you,” he observes. “What is it?” But something is always different about Quentin — he’s turning into a werewolf, or making friends with a vampire, or juggling several simultaneous girlfriends. “Different” is Quentin’s home address.

857 dark shadows quentin alone

Meanwhile, the real Quentin is sitting around in Petofi’s body and feeling sorry for himself, and that’s more or less what Petofi would be doing anyway, just on a different set and looking straight into the camera.

I mean, if you think about it, there really isn’t a lot of daylight between these two characters. They’re both haunted by the curse of a relentless gypsy, neither of them has a job, they don’t care what happens to the Collins family, and they spend all of their time drinking and worrying about themselves. Pretty much everyone in the 1897 storyline is aggressively self-centered, but Quentin and Petofi are the champion brooders on the team.

857 dark shadows wanda aristede hell

Oh, and they both want to experiment with dark magic, using innocent people as their research subjects. Quentin uses his nephew for this kind of project, but Count Petofi doesn’t have a family, so he has to send his henchman down to the docks to pick up a spare streetwalker.

Petofi’s trying to figure out how to transport himself through time to 1969, and he needs some volunteers to help him crowdsource the right hexagram. He knows that Barnabas and Julia time-travelled using one of the 64 I Ching hexagrams, but he doesn’t know which one, so he’s going to throw people at the problem until he finds the magic key.

Of course, this docks set is usually Barnabas’ hunting ground, so maybe Barnabas is Count Petofi too. This might be spreading; pretty soon, everybody’s going to be Count Petofi. They should probably stock up on wigs and cigars, while there’s still time.

857 dark shadows petofi edward brandy

While Petofi is away, organizing his baleful research project, Quentin tries his luck at Collinwood. He attempts to reach out to Edward, begging for his assistance, and the scene is a perfect example of the way Dark Shadows has learned how to mix horror and comedy. Quentin is taking this dilemma seriously, but for Edward, it’s a farce.

Quentin:  I must speak to you.

Edward:  (pouring a brandy) What is it, is there something wrong?

Quentin:  Something is terribly wrong. Edward… I am Quentin.

(Edward raises an eyebrow, and then returns his attention to the cocktails.)

Quentin:  Do you hear me? I am Quentin! Edward, you can forget about the brandy.

Edward:  I assure you, if you were Quentin, you wouldn’t forget about the brandy.

It’s a great comedy-of-manners line, a Violet Welles special, tailor-made for Edward to deliver. But as Edward points out, “When you say something so patently absurd, how do you expect me to take it, except as a joke?”  Quentin’s nightmare is just an odd delusion for Edward.

Quentin:  You know what’s happened here! You know Petofi was responsible!

Edward:  My dear man, I know I suspected you, but time proved to us that the things that happened around this house happened because of Barnabas Collins.

Quentin:  No! It wasn’t Barnabas! It was Petofi!

Edward:  I find this all very confusing.

Quentin:  No, Edward — it’s not confusing. It’s diabolical!

It’s actually both, and that’s the fun of this storyline. It’s a mistaken-identity runaround that will end in mass murder.

857 dark shadows aristede wanda petofi

So it’s only natural that in the darkest moment in today’s episode — the sacrifice of an innocent life, on the altar of Petofi’s personal escape plans — they bring in a comedy prostitute.

Aristede tells his master, “This is Wanda Paisley,” and the audience says, yes, of course it is. Wanda Paisley doesn’t have the most tragicomic name ever given to a Dark Shadows redshirt — that honor goes to werewolf victim Dorcas Trilling — but she comes close. Wanda Paisley!

And she’s not just another doomed prostitute; Wanda is something special. When Aristede introduces her, she sh’booms up to the handsome gentleman, and smiles, “Why didn’t you tell me you had a friend?”

Petofi says, “I hope you don’t mind, Miss Paisley,” and she sure doesn’t. “Oh, not at all,” she chuckles, preening. “As long as there’s champagne for Wanda.”

Now, I believe that might be the first time a prostitute has ever agreed to a three-way on national daytime television. I don’t have evidence to back up that claim, but it seems likely to me.

857 dark shadows wanda quentin games

But Count Petofi’s aiming in a different direction, kind of. She reaches for the I Ching wands, and he snatches her hand away.

Petofi:  They are just some things we’re going to use in a little game we’re going to play.

Wanda:  First, we’re going to play a game?

Petofi:  Yes, we are!

Wanda:  What’s the point in that?

Petofi:  I like games. Don’t you?

Wanda:  Well, that depends on what happens in the game, if you know what I mean.

Petofi:  I know what you mean.

Yeah, so do I. What is going on with this show? I swear to god, this used to be 1969 afternoon television.

857 dark shadows wanda petofi i ching

Wanda gets a bit spooked when Petofi explains that she’s going to go through the I Ching door in her mind — “There ain’t no doors in my mind, honey!” she exclaims — but Petofi uses his magical Hand to ensure compliance.

She rolls up Hexagram #34 — Da Zhaung, the Hexagram of Vigor, if you’re playing along at home — and what do you know? It turns out there’s a door in her mind after all.

857 dark shadows wanda skeleton

What follows is one of the all-time great trance sensations. As Wanda concentrates on the I Ching hexagram, the doors of perception open, and she’s presented with two waggly skeleton arms.

857 dark shadows wanda skeleton boo

Then there’s a lengthy laughing-skull phase, where a bug-eyed skeleton laughs and laughs at her. I guess this is supposed to be the “Vigor” part of the experience.

Wanda screams her head off, and we see the skeleton with its arms raised into “BOO” position, as seen in every elementary school classroom in October…

857 dark shadows aristede petofi skeleton

And then we return to the cottage, where Wanda Paisley has transformed into a bug-eyed skeleton that still has a hat on.

So as you can see, anything is possible beyond the I Ching door… ANYTHING! And I guess that’s where we came in.

Tomorrow: The Woman Who Wasn’t There.

Dark Shadows bloopers to watch out for:

When Edward opens the drawing room doors and invites Petofi into the room, you can see a couple yellow blocking marks on the floor.

Petofi steps on a Trask rant:

Trask:  You are incapable of loving anyone!

Petofi:  Are you fin–

Trask:  Of caring for anyone, except for yourself!

Petofi:  Are you quite finished now, Trask?

When Edward tells Petofi that Kitty is drawn to him, there’s the sound of something (or someone?) falling down in the studio.

Someone in the studio coughs when Wanda is concentrating on the hexagram.

Behind the Scenes:

Wanda Paisley was played by Karen Lynn, in her only Dark Shadows episode. According to IMDb, Lynn’s other screen credit was a 1963 sexploitation film called The Orgy at Lil’s Place,  produced by grindhouse producer William Mishkin. This movie was thought lost for many years, but a print was discovered in 2013, and screened at Indiana University at an Orphan Film Symposium event. Now you know.

Tomorrow: The Woman Who Wasn’t There.

orgy at lil's place

Dark Shadows episode guide

— Danny Horn

30 thoughts on “Episode 857: All of Him

  1. Why someone has yet to compile a coffee table book collecting all of the oddball skeleton and skull uses on “Dark Shadows” is beyond me.

      1. I don’t have anything to back this up, but I think she may have been accidentally freeze-dried.

    1. Skull on a Stick is my favorite day player. It’s like seeing an old friend when it pops up.

  2. Were they using the same skeleton throughout the run of the series? Did it come from a nearby college or medical school? Someone donated his or her body to science, only to have the mortal remains become a prop on a kooky sixties soap opera. Too bad we’ll never know the name of the person we should thank for entertaining us.

    1. Not this one. The skeleton they used for Dr. Lang’s lab had missing teeth and a bit of an underbite and was also used in the Dream Curse. However, the one in the screen capture above was also used in the Dream Curse behind the doors sequence, just for head-only images with the eyes included. So, like the many oil lamps about the place, they seemed to have more than one skull image handy, which you would expect for such a spook show. For instance, if you Google “dark shadows skeletons, you’ll get the same images for Dr. Trask’s remains in the wall of the Old House basement of 1968, as well as the Eve experiment of the same year, and also the bridal image with Angelique’s laughter behind door number 2 of the Dream Curse — and from the Dream Curse images, they’ve recycled this skeleton, not the same as those listed above, also from the Dream Curse images, with a more perfect jaw and teeth.

      So, I would have to guess that this one is more of a prop, and the other one used before, the complete skeleton in 1968, is more seemingly a real formerly living specimen — but whose estate no doubt received not a penny of the $330 an episode royalties.

      This link comes from DSED episode 535 (“the dream skull”)…

      …as does this link (“the skeleton bride”)…

      1. First, we have the “Here’s Looking At You” model, followed by the “Floral Bridal Terror” model….

        1. “Here’s looking at you, Frid.” — Oh, no, sorry, I just couldn’t resist.”

    2. Whatever skulls or skeletons they used in the day were real ones, probably purchased from a medical supply store. They didn’t have plastic replicas then. Doctors’ offices had real ones, and some still do to this day. I know of at least one with a spine on display with plastic tubing in red and blue incorporated to show the major blood vessels. Most of the medical skeletons (and props) came from India. I encourage people to spare a good thought for the donor.

      Still better than those plasticized “body” exhibits that come from China, where the donors are executed prisoners who “donated”.

  3. As Petofi’s wing-man, Aristede could’ve suggested to throw the wands AFTER a ménage à trois — just sayin’…

    1. Count Petofi don’t swing with “the help.”
      Besides, he’s holdin’ out for a ménage a 1969.

  4. I always used to think “poor Wanda”, but now it occurs to me that, being a woman of easy virtue, and new to Collinsport, maybe she’s a fugitive on the run. Maybe she’s wanted for Murder in Manhattan! Arson in Atlanta! Poisoning in Pittsburgh! Etc!

    This could be something she did, finally catching up with her. Then again, on Dark Shadows, just having the wrong attitude can get you killed.

  5. “She rolls up Hexagram #34 — Da Zhaung, the Hexagram of Vigor”…

    I wonder how the “vigor” hexagram translates into “de-fleshed”?

  6. They do seem to have a lot of, ahem, ‘turnover’ for the strumpets down at the Collinsport dock! You would think sooner or later they would get a clue. Maybe they just misheard.

    “No, I said ‘don’t go down on the WHARF!'”

    1. I was remarking to my husband about the really remarkable size and relative wealth of the hooker population of Collinsport. They may hang at the docks (makes sense in a port town–you troll for lonely sailors) but they all have really nice clothes and jewelry and no matter how many of them Barnabas et.al. tear through, there’s always more.

      Makes you wonder what modern day Collinsport’s main economic generator really is…

  7. There is also a rather unusual P. G. Wodehouse novel called “Laughing Gas” which is about a body swap.

  8. I don’t know whether there were any changing lines in this instance of hexagram 34, but according to a website on divination, the changing lines for 34 could be interpreted as follows (in part):
    Line 1 (bottom line)
    Possessing great vigor does not assure success all by itself. If you start your movement from a lowly or weak position, attempting to advance prematurely or too quickly through forceful efforts will bring misfortune. Even for those of great strength and ability, progress must be achieved step by step.
    Line 2
    The gates of good fortune are swinging open; the time has come to plunge ahead. In times of great opportunity, beware of premature celebrating. Keep your balance. [Don’t order the champagne quite yet!]
    Line 3
    A ram crashing through a hedge gets his horns tangled up. He may be the strongest animal in the flock, but a proud, haughty ram brings misfortune upon himself. …

  9. Quentin/Petofi: “Alright, Edward, ask me anything you’d expect your own dear brother to know. Ask me what you received for Christmas when you were 12 years old!”

    Edward: “well, then, what DID I receive that year?”

    Alternately, a more desperate version:

    Quentin/Petofi: “Wait, Edward! Shall I describe Laura’s body to you, down to the last delicious detail? Now listen to me, I’m Quentin Collins!”

  10. This has to be the archetypal Dark Shadows episode. It has Jerry Lacy modeling the style of acting he and Lara Parker invented for the show, Louis Edmonds being sarcastic, a squabble about control of Collinwood, people drinking brandy, a prostitute picked up on the docks while the smoke machine runs, several kinds of supernatural mumbo-jumbo presented as if we will of course understand them, a dream sequence, and a skeleton in a wig. The next episode opens with a grave-digging scene, which is pretty nearly the only thing missing from this one.

  11. Could Sam, Gordo, and Violet have been watching on June 3, 1969 when the last episode of the original Star Trek series, Turnabout Intruder, was broadcast? It involved a full-body swap, played straight, between Kirk and Dr. Janice Lester. A long shot but who knows?

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