Episode 777: All Points

“I know what the evil force wants you to do next.”

March 6, 1897. Evening.
Village of Collinsport, docks.

Sophie Baker — white female, mid 30s. Discovered in storage area behind the Blue Whale. Severe wounds to the neck, drained of blood. Dead, but still super drunk somehow. Eyes had a haunted look, as if they had stared into a subterranean chasm that would destroy us all. Officers advised to be on the lookout for a metaphor for the lust and greed that drives the exploitation of the lower classes.

721 dark shadows quentin knife

March 28, 1897. Evening.
Groundskeeper’s cottage, great estate of Collinwood.

Quentin Collins — white male, late 20s, enthusiastic facial hair. Discovered lying on the floor of the groundskeeper’s cottage, with a knife thrust into his heart with force that suggests heavy dramatic irony. Body was moved to the drawing room of Collinwood before the forensics team could arrive at the scene. Unusual haste only natural, considering how broken up everybody was.

On questioning, J. Collins informed investigators that the murderer was almost certainly a transient sailor of some kind, who struck up an acquaintanceship with the deceased over mutual interest in brandy and money. When asked about the murder weapon, J. Collins informed officers that they’d looked everywhere and couldn’t remember where they put it.

Thorough search of the docks area ensued. All sailors questioned alleged that they were not “transient” per se; it’s just that being a sailor requires you to go out to sea every once in a while, and if that makes somebody transient, then aren’t we all transient in our own way. Search of docks area also turned up several more drunk women with severe throat lacerations. Sailors suggested that the girls were probably killed by some rich white lady with a big mouth.

748 jenny quentin choke

May 8, 1897. Evening.

Jenny Collins — apparently white female, late 20s, false eyelashes. Discovered lying at the base of the grand staircase in the Collinwood foyer by B. Chavez, severely injured after a fall. Deceased was brought into Chavez’s room to recover from her accident. Did not recover to any noticeable extent. Severe bruising around the throat area indicates that she must have hit her neck on something as she went down.

E. Collins confirmed Chavez’s story, and alleged that the rest of the family would agree, because of Collins family honor and pride. Investigators were informed that they had no choice but to accept this story. Expressed sympathies to the family in this trying time, made mental note to send fruit basket.

Swarthy foreign types observed in the area, holding a button ripped from a man’s jacket, and muttering imprecations. Officers did not approach.

751 dark shadows rachel dorcas redshirt

May 12, 1897. Evening.
Worthington Hall Academy for Inconvenient Children.

Dorcas Trilling — white female, early 20s, obvious tattletale. Discovered in schoolroom, horribly mutilated. Shattered plate glass window observed on scene, ditto muddy footprints and animal hair. Samples sent to the lab, will be processed as soon as DNA testing is invented.

Severe tooth and claw marks found on the deceased, possibly the work of a transient sailor. Further investigation halted after complaints of profiling from the transient sailor community.

759 dark shadows angelique flames

May 22, 1897. Late afternoon.
Old House on the Collins estate.

Angelique DuBois — white female, mid 120s depending on how you count, no fixed abode. Reported burned in sudden magical inferno, left no corpus delicti or evidence of fire.

Witness Q. Collins reported that he saw Angelique burning in this room, right here in this room, further stating that witches burn, and fire is the only way to kill them. Witness added that Laura knew that, and that Laura had won. Witness’ credibility compromised because he had died on March 28th inst, and should probably have been buried by now. What is even up with this family.

777 dark shadows laura burns

May 23, 1897. Evening.
East Wing parlor, Collinwood.

Laura Murdoch Collins (alias Laura Murdoch Stockbridge, Laura Stockbridge Collins, Laura Murdoch Radcliffe, Laura Radcliffe Stockbridge Collins Murdoch, and so on) — white female, totally not Egyptian, age indeterminable. Reported burned in another magical inferno, left no corpus delicti or evidence of fire, go figure.

Witnesses J. Collins and N. Collins alleged that deceased was gone, in the flames, but it wasn’t her, it was someone very old. Family strongly advised to install smoke detectors.

777 dark shadows pansy dead

June 10, 1897. Evening.
Old House on the Collins estate.

Pansy Faye — white female, late 30s, faux Cockney. Victim discovered in the Old House drawing room by B. Collins, slumped in a chair.

Victim suffered severe neck wounds, suggestive of a transient you-know-who. Victim also had a piece of frayed rope around her neck, but only in the reprise and why would there even be rope there. Victim was buried secretly in the woods, and we don’t know about it yet.

773 dark shadows minerva cry

June 11, 1897. Evening.
New Worthington Hall Academy, Collins estate.

Minerva Trask — white female, late 40s, frumpy. Discovered lying on the floor of the parlor. Analysis discovered trace amounts of tea in her cup of deadly nightshade. Witnesses E. Hanley and G. Trask reported that the assailant was a Timothy Shaw, a teacher at the school. Then they called back later and said they were only kidding. Sometimes I wonder why we even bother to turn up. Life is too short, especially in this town.

776 dark shadows tim rachel jostle

June 16, 1897. Early morning.
Abandoned basement, Peabody’s Farm.

Rachel Drummond — white female, mid 20s, loosely based on Jane Eyre, possibly a reincarnation of Josette Collins but don’t quote me on it. Discovered in the farmhouse basement by bystander T. Shaw, who carried the dying girl to the Old House because the light is better over there.

Victim was shot three times in the breadbasket. Ballistics report indicates that the shooter was under the control of a supernatural creature, but ballistics says that every single time. Ballistics claims that’s because it’s true every single time; there are a lot of supernatural creatures around, and it’s not ballistics’ fault if people keep getting under the control of them.

776 dark shadows dirk judith call

June 16, 1897. Late afternoon.
Abandoned basement, Peabody’s Farm.

Dirk Wilkins — white male, early 30s, kind of emo looking. Large wooden stake piercing victim’s internal organs. Died of a broken heart. Body discovered by E. Collins, who just happened to be walking by when he saw the deceased fall down the stairs and onto a sharp piece of wood. Officers advised to be on the lookout for a more satisfying career path.

Tomorrow: Pocket Full of Kryptonite.

Dark Shadows bloopers to watch out for:

When Judith tells Trask that she remembers coming back to Collinwood, you can hear footsteps from the studio.

After Trask hangs up on the police, there’s a loud squeak.

Carl and Tim have a rough moment with the dialogue:

Carl:  Well, my Pansy, she didn’t disappear just by accident.

Tim:  Your —

Carl:  I know that!

Tim:  Your fiancee?

Carl:  My missing! — yes, fiancee.

Tomorrow: Pocket Full of Kryptonite.

727 dark shadows barnabas fangs

Dark Shadows episode guide

— Danny Horn

26 thoughts on “Episode 777: All Points

  1. This is one of the wittiest ones so far. And you know how to repeat a joke without really “milking” it, like the “transient sailor” phrase.

    A timeline from 1897 always makes me think of one thing – one of my biggest “Fortean” type subjects is the “1897 Airship,” a subject that the papers were full of at the time, so a set of dates from the first half of that year automatically makes me feel on familiar ground. (Especially if it has to do with something even WEIRDER, like DARK SHADOWS episode.)

  2. August 1, 1966. Lunch time.
    Collinsport Police Station/Jail

    Sheriff/Constable Jonas Carter — obtained search warrant to investigate R. Collin’s car ‘accident’; seemed more concerned with mustard on ham sandwich.

    1. July 28, 1966. Lunch time.
      Collinsport Hotel

      Burke Devlin — questioned in his hotel room about Roger Collins’ car accident by Sheriff/Constable Jonas Carter. Devlin offered to share the sandwich he’d ordered from the Collinsport Diner a few minutes earlier: ham and cheese, butter and mustard, no lettuce. Sheriff/Constable Carter declined. Devlin narrowly escaped being arrested and charged with attempted mustard.

      1. Addendum: Reminder: Still need to follow up on report by Sarah Johnson re: suspicious activity at Collinsport Diner, that the mayonnaise is enough to kill someone.

  3. The Collinsport Police, one donut short of a clue. Here’s to slapping the handcuffs on the super-natural, the super-evil, and people with bad breath, and hauling their ass off to jail.
    I’ve got a fun idea, lets go tell Angelique she’s under arrest for mucilage.
    I want to see the look on her face.

  4. There’s an entertaining cliché in weird stories that have the police in them, and that’s the detective who thinks something fantastic is happening and the superior who keeps getting after him for going off in a direction like that. Did Dark Shadows ever have that when it came to the Collinsport police? I know that the very short “1995 Timeline” had a uniformed cop who got killed by doing his job too well and snooping around Collinwood, but did any episode (or Night of Dark Shadows for that matter) have one of those scenes I mean, with the police captain berating the other character for giving credit to something supernatural?

    1. DARK SHADOWS lived in its own little world. During the first Barnabas storyline, Van Helsing… er Dr. Woodard is behaving like a detective and no one really challenges him on it (or rather there’s no threat to his career). The police stop being relevant soon afterward, and in the flashbacks, they seem to believe in whatever is thrown their way.

      I’d mentioned before that what I didn’t like about HODS or the 1991 DS was the sight of modern-day detectives holding up crosses and chasing down vampires. It sort of punctures the very thin suspension of disbelief.

      1. His attitude included a running joke about getting the man’s name wrong (absent-mindedly instead of sarcastically). The detective was named Trout, and the superior kept calling him by other fish names.

  5. Darrin McGavin’s Kolchak character would have been a great addition to the Collinsport PD. You guys remember his vampire hunter turn in the Kolchak: The Night Stalker TV movie? I’d love to have that entire Kolchak series on DVD.

  6. I tell you what. It’s scary and dangerous to live in the “present,” but it’s a bloody massacre to live in the past.

  7. This was my very very very first episode of Dark Shadows. Came upon it on a summer day on SciFi. Something about the spook element and double blackmail murderers hooked me at that moment and I couldn’t stop watching. I even TAPED it (it aired at 10CST while I was in school) so I could watch when school started (this is notable because I generally taped shows to keep, not just to watch/erase, and as a meagre high school student, could not afford to buy more than about 1 T-160 4-pack per month).

    I was hooked, started buying the 5-episode tapes (I could afford about one a month) from Columbia House. I watched every episode until my parents lost their cable (around episode #1015). I chose my free period so I could watch DS at my local burger job (though I could only see half the first episode and half the second). This carried me through 1840/1 and the first half of the first year. I moved into my own apartment in a nearby town (tragically, the cable provider there did not carry SciFi). I would go to work at my burger job early (usually I worked 11-7:30) to watch DS. (Yes, I was that obsessed.) I was overflowing with joy when I learned that my home provider would start carrying SciFi…and wouldn’t you know…they were just getting ready to head to 1897.

    On my second viewing of this episode, I felt the Tim/Rachel story and Barnabas’ intercession in the past was a double tragedy, but I knew so much more great stuff was to come.

    Alas, I digress – but it truly all started with this episode for me.

    Great blog entry – thankfully they’ve done away with the needless, impotent police force because they drag the story down. 1897 is too fast a clip to have a Jonas Carter or Sheriff Davenport clogging up the works. But what a wonderful “equel” story outline you’ve given us.

    1. Ah yes, this one of the many unfortunate consequences of Barnabas’ meddling with the past doesn’t get discussed too often. If he hadn’t been there to turn Dirk into a vampire, Rachel wouldn’t have been killed. It’s the nightmarish opposite of It’s a Wonderful Life (It’s a Terrible Undeath?)

      1. barnabas has certainly made things worse than they were! half expect him to go back and find no one he knew ever existed

  8. Trask seems to forget that he already suspected Dirk was the vampire who bit Judith. But maybe he is just being the only one to reason that just because Dirk is a vampire does not prove that Barnabas isn’t one. And, in any case, Trask just doesn’t like Barnabas because Barnabas doesn’t flatter Trask or buy his holy man act.

    1. For the longest time I misremembered the name as Angelique du Pres, but du Pres was Josette’s surname. Something about French surnames makes me mix them up in my head. I guess I’m not alone in this.

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