X2: Why Did Barnabas Become a Vampire?

 “Because that’s where the blood is.”

I’m out of the country this week — it’s one of those “He dropped out of school, alienated all of his friends, started going off to the mountains for weeks at a time” type situations. But if I leave you all alone, you’ll wander off to the west wing and start talking into broken telephones, so instead I’m going to leave you with selections from the February 1969 Paperback Library effort, Barnabas Collins In a Funny Vein.

My theory is that this is better than nothing. That theory is looking pretty shaky already.

xtra barnabas collins in a funny vein

In yesterday’s post, we learned that Barnabas Collins is a real vampire who works in daytime television, which comes as a surprise to anyone with a functioning brainstem, but there you are. Today, I thought we’d just dive into the blood jokes, because there are a lot of them, and some of them actually make sense.

Does Barnabas have any sisters?
No, but he has some blood brothers.

What did Barnabas say when he saw the cannibal cooking one of his victims?
He said, “You make my blood boil.”

Was Barnabas in the service?
He was. He went in as a private and soon was promoted to corpuscle.

Why does Barnabas take Geritol?
Because he’s been drinking tired blood.

Does Barnabas like to take ocean trips?
Sure he does. He likes to travel on a blood vessel.

I mean, those aren’t the ones that make sense, obviously. But I’m pretty sure there are some. Let me see.

411 dark shadows murder barnabas

Okay, try these on for size.

Where does Barnabas sleep?
He sleeps on a blood cot.

Does Barnabas have any famous relatives?
Sure. He has some who are members of a royal family. One of them is a count — a blood count.

Barnabas ran up to a man in Arizona and said that he had always wanted to meet the man, because he thought the man said he had plasma. He found out the man said he had asthma.

Where does Barnabas keep his digging tools?
In a bloodshed.

Does Barnabas like nuisances?
Yes, he does. Especially if they are bloody nuisances.

Why does Barnabas drink blood mixed with carrot juice?
So he can see better at night.

What do you call two pounds of blood?
Killogram.

Why did Barnabas become a vampire?
He didn’t want to flunk his blood test.

406 dark shadows blood josette

After Barnabas saw Diabolique he wouldn’t take a tub bath. After Psycho he wouldn’t take a shower. Now all he takes are blood baths.

Who is Barnabas’ favorite fictional character?
He’s always liked Captain Blood.

Is Barnabas’ business doing well?
No, because he’s always in the red.

You might say that when Barnabas gets excited, instead of the blood rushing to his head, his head rushes to your blood.

What kind of pet did Barnabas get to keep his wolfhound company?
He got a bloodhound.

I went on the Drinking Man’s diet and didn’t drink anything except the blood of drunks.

Barnabas isn’t political; he talks favorably about Red China. He likes dishes and can’t get the blood off his.

Some say blood is thicker than water. I’ll drink to that.

Does Barnabas like girls with red cheeks?
Only if they are blood red.

361 dark shadows julia blood

In a Funny Vein has a particular obsession with the concept of blood banks.

I’ve only been in serious trouble once. I was caught robbing a blood bank.

Do you know how Barnabas will finally get caught?
He’ll be overdrawn at the blood bank.

Did you hear about Barnabas going to the blood bank and asking them how much blood they had?

What did Barnabas want to be when he was a boy?
He always dreamed of becoming treasurer of a blood bank.

Why did Barnabas return to the blood bank on July 15?
He said he had made some deposits and wanted to collect his interest.

Why does Barnabas always rob blood banks?
Because that’s where the blood is.

What is Barnabas promoting with American Express?
He wants them to issue credit cards for blood banks.

How did Barnabas get thrown out of the blood bank?
He demanded that they give him self-service and bit the nurses.

407 dark shadows blood naomi

Okay, a few more, just to tide you over until tomorrow.

What did Barnabas say when he couldn’t figure out what type blood to drink?
He said it was all very transfusing.

Flash! Barnabas has the answer to stopping riots. He says all you have to do is give rioters transfusions of tired blood.

Is Barnabas patriotic?
He sure is. He wishes everyone were a red-blooded American.

What country in Central America does Barnabas like to visit?
Veinezuela.

Does Barnabas ever fish?
He sure does. He likes to fish in a blood stream.

What book is Barnabas reading?
In Cold Blood. But he always reads in cold blood.

What happened when Barnabas was on the operating table and he called over to a doctor and asked for a transfusion?
The doctor wouldn’t give it to him. He said it wasn’t his table.

Why does Barnabas always lose so much money when he plays roulette?
He can’t stop himself from betting on the red.

Because he’s a vampire, and he drinks blood. That’s why it’s funny. Do you see?

Tomorrow: What Does Barnabas Use in His Coffee?

397 dark shadows blood champagne

Dark Shadows episode guide

— Danny Horn

12 thoughts on “X2: Why Did Barnabas Become a Vampire?

  1. For the record, there’s an actual explanation of sorts for “Why does Barnabas always rob blood banks?
    Because that’s where the blood is.”

    According to legend, famed bank robber Willie Sutton was asked why he robbed banks. Answer: “That’s where the money is.” In fact, he never said it (Sutton assumed some reporter trying to flesh out a story on him made it up), but it was pretty commonplace for awhile. Although I have no idea how much sense it would make to the middle school audience in 1969 (but clearly making sense was not a major goal of this book).

    Also, a Diabolique reference! So Barnabas liked French cinema (and probably kept thinking all the leading ladies were Josette).

  2. Jonathan Frid reading from the teleprompter:

    What did… does Barnabas have any sisters?
    He said, “You make my blood boil.”

    What was Barnabas when he saw the cook cannibal cooking one of his victims?
    No, but he has some blood brothers.

    Was Barnabas in the service?
    He was in as a private and soon he went… was in a corpuscle.

    Why does Barnabas take Geritol?
    Because he likes to take ocean trips.

    Does Barnabas drink… drinking tired blood?
    Sure he does on a travel… He likes to… He travel on a blood vessel.

    Julia, why are you aren’t you laughing?

  3. The DIABOLIQUE joke surprised me too. I thought it took forever for that film to have a cult following in this country. Maybe it already did in ‘ 69, but there’s a difference between a cult following and one that’s big enough for you to hear JOKES about the subject.

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