Episode 655: Accidentally Yours

“If she realizes that her feelings were right about Amy, what about her feelings about herself?”

Weekly To-Do list, from the Desk of Barnabas Collins (deceased):

Tell Elizabeth that she’s not going to die. Take her upstairs, and put her to bed. Take a phone message for Julia. Consult with Julia about Liz’s condition. Blame Cassandra for everything.

Lose track of where Elizabeth is. Lose track of where Amy is. Find Elizabeth and Amy at the mausoleum. Bring them home.

Put Elizabeth back to bed. Tell her that she’s not going to die. Offer a sedative. Tell her that it’s all in her mind. Discuss hiring plans for a new governess. Scold Amy for going outside without permission.

Brief Maggie and Joe on the recent disturbances. Bring Maggie upstairs for her job interview. Go through the onboarding checklist with her. Make sure she has a keycard.

Drive to Maggie’s house to see if Joe’s okay. Scoop up the remains, and drive it back to Collinwood. Deposit blood-stained trauma victim on the drawing room couch.

Insist that Joe stay the night. Prepare a bedroom for him. If you get a chance: ask him what it’s like to have a real storyline.

652 dark shadows barnabas maggie hr

So that’s the thrilling story of Barnabas the butler, supporting character.

You know, I can remember back when Barnabas was an unstoppable force of destruction. It wasn’t really that long ago. People like to say that the vampire was “redeemed” as soon as Vicki came back from 1795, but that’s not true. He’s been taking hostages and conspiring to decapitate people this whole time.

I mean, it was only three months ago that he was planning to kidnap Maggie, and sacrifice her in an unholy mad science experiment. Now he’s sitting down with her to go over the benefits package.

638 dark shadows barnabas julia mirror

Now, the important thing to understand is that this is not the culmination of a character arc that the writers are thrilled that they’ve finally completed. Sam Hall and Gordon Russell are not currently high-fiving each other and saying, “Awesome, Barnabas is a good guy, mission accomplished.”

Making Barnabas “good” is not a positive outcome; it’s a huge problem. Turning Barnabas into a butler has the potential to break the entire show.

Nobody really wants Barnabas to be “good”. Being good is only important if the character is a real human being who you’re planning to interact with. This is not actually the case, so anybody who thinks that’s what they want is really misunderstanding how storytelling works.

The hard truth is: what’s good for the character is almost always bad for the audience, and bad for the show.

654 dark shadows chris joe pain

For example, take young Christopher Jennings. Yesterday, Chris turned into a werewolf and almost killed his cousin Joe, one of his two living relatives. Joe stabbed Chris in the shoulder with a pair of scissors, and barely escaped with his life. Later, Joe showed up at Chris’ hotel room and learned his terrible secret, and then Chris asked Joe to take a pistol and shoot him as he transformed once again into a wild beast.

That was one of the worst days of Chris’ life. It was basically every nightmare that he’s ever had, all at once. It was also one of the best episodes we’ve seen in a long time.

So the writers have no use for a happy Barnabas. For a soap opera writer, the word “happy” is followed by “ending”, and the word “ending” is followed by cancellation, failure and unemployment.

530 dark shadows barnabas reading

And the terrible truth of this moment is that Barnabas’ story is over.

You can follow a clear path through Barnabas’ storyline from April 1967 to December 1968. Willie opens the mystery box, and Hell breaks loose. Barnabas kidnaps Maggie. Julia strikes a bargain with the devil. Vicki travels through time. Angelique throws a curse so powerful that it distorts history.

Roger marries a woman that he hardly knows. Carolyn is trapped in a root cellar. Dr. Lang has a heart attack, Sam goes blind, and Harry puts poison in Joe’s medicine. And all of that, every weird twist and turn — it all connects back to the box, and Willie Loomis’ original sin.

The vampire character that was only supposed to last for thirteen weeks has single-handedly powered the storyline for almost two years. And now, thanks to the Great 1968 Wrap-Up, that storyline is almost complete.

655 dark shadows liz cassandra true

Now we’re sinking our teeth into the two big storylines of 1969 — Quentin’s ghost, and Chris the werewolf — and Barnabas isn’t involved in either one. I’m not sure that Barnabas has met Chris yet, and he’s never even heard of Quentin.

As the crowning blow, we see Angelique — Barnabas’ personal bespoke nemesis — twice this week, and she doesn’t even mention him. Barnabas is done.

655 dark shadows vampires are voluptuous

But try telling that to the audience. On December 29th, two days after this episode aired, The New York Times printed a peculiar article about Dark Shadows called “Vampires Are Voluptuous”.

It goes like this:

Want to titillate a couple of million housewives and turn on the teenyboppers? Want to see your face on paperback books, sweatshirts, toys? Want your name out of the telephone book and off the bellplate downstairs? Simple. Bite a few people. On the neck. Leaving two tiny holes. Only in fun. Vampires… remember? “Ieee am Count Drrraaculaahhh…” Bela Lugosi then, Jonathan Frid now. Jonathan Frid? Listen:

“I play a guy with a kind of hang-up, like an alcoholic or a sex maniac. He’s a loner, an antisocial type — he’s got to do his thing, suck his blood. He’s hiding his guilt — a lonely man — and the audience saw it, sensed it. They say Lugosi got a tremendous amount of mail, even though his version of a vampire didn’t appeal emotionally to people, because he struck something in women… just the fact that he bit. There’s a voluptuousness about it, I guess. The other vampires we’ve had on the show were much more voluptuous biters than I am — one of them, his whole tongue throbbed. Come to think of it, it’s really kind of wild.”

Yeah, it sure is, and the wildest thing about it is that Jonathan Frid hasn’t played a vampire in eight months, so I don’t know why they’re saying that he’s better than Lugosi. Sure, Lugosi’s been dead for twelve years, but in this racket that’s not necessarily a disadvantage.

655 dark shadows barnabas amy hug

But if everybody’s still sending fan mail to Barnabas, then he needs to stay on the show, even if he has nothing to do. They just need to find a role for his character to fill.

Lately, the show’s been reaching out to the young set, those mad middle-schoolers who are buying the Barnabas board games and trading cards. And all of a sudden, wouldn’t you know it, Barnabas has an instant relationship with little Amy Jennings, who hugs him, and tells him that she’s afraid of the moon.

655 dark shadows gamera flying

This is basically what happened with Gamera, the giant rocket-powered monster turtle from Japan. In the original 1965 movie, Gamera was your standard kaiju engine of destruction, rampaging through Tokyo until somebody figures out how to shoot him into outer space.

But people liked him, especially the kids, so by his third movie, 1967’s Gamera vs. Gyaos, he’s started making friends with random little kids. By 1968, Gamera was “the Friend of All Children.”

You wouldn’t think that kids would get particularly attached to a homicidal reptile war machine, but kids respond to fiction the same way that adults do — they like the interesting thing. That’s why you see kids fascinated with Gamera, and Darth Vader, and Barnabas Collins. It doesn’t matter whether they’re officially designated as “good guys” or “bad guys”. They’re the guys you pay attention to.

655 dark shadows barnabas amy accidentally

So this is the new Barnabas, accidentally. It’s not a particularly voluptuous role, and it’s certainly not something that anyone planned. But it’ll do, for now.

Monday: Unspooky.

Dark Shadows bloopers to watch out for:

In act 1, just before Julia and Carolyn go into the foyer to pick up Carolyn’s luggage, a crew member’s head passes by at the bottom of the screen.

In the dream, when Liz is startled by laughter, you can see where the “grass” covering ends on the studio floor.

When Amy runs into Collinwood in act 3, she doesn’t close the door behind her, although there’s a sound effect of the door slamming shut. Over the next minute, Joe walks in and out again, and the door just stays open.

Monday: Unspooky.

655 dark shadows barnabas amy babysitter

Dark Shadows episode guide

— Danny Horn

19 thoughts on “Episode 655: Accidentally Yours

  1. This is where Barnabas and Julia become something like Mulder and Scully, playing detectives and fighting supernatural crime. Coming soon, the Quentin Collins Caper…

  2. Danny, I’m surprised you didn’t mention the moment where Julia “Take that!” Hoffman smacks Joe Haskell in the kisser for being hysterical: Loony-bin, party of one.
    And it wouldn’t be Dark Shadows if it wasn’t immediately followed by a blood curdling shriek, from upstairs.

    1. That scene is amazing… Joe’s crazy giggling is really creepy, the slap and his instant wide-eyed response is pure Looney Tunes comedy gold, and then that scream… There should be an injury claim specialist for such severe cases of genre whiplash.

  3. I love “Barnabas the butler” as a description of the character during this period. You’re right that he doesn’t have an actual story during this period — none of the major events occurring directly affect him. Yet I think this humanizes the character somewhat because it’s when I think of him actually caring about other people and actively trying to help them. There is a moment coming up when he involves himself in the werewolf mystery that he almost feels like Stokes at his Dream Curse peak.

    Episode 467 on April 9 (!) was when Lang first cured Barnabas. It is amazing to think that he hasn’t been a vampire for all this time while Frid has been touring the country and receiving lots of fan mail for playing a tortured vampire when on the show, his character has been moving toward Loyal Family Retainer.

    And at least the specter of vampirism loomed during the Adam storyline. Now, it’s not even mentioned. We will soon see a brief glimpse of “Vampire on a Mission,” and I think that will change the show. Barnabas will never again be human for as long as he was in 1968.

  4. While the Barnabas of 1968 is not, as you say, “a good guy” he has become rather passive, waiting for things to happen instead of making them happen. He does not initiate, but responds. The Dream Curse? He is very passive in it. Adam? Once Julia talked him into adopting him, what the does is react. Getting rid of Cassandra? He watches it happen, and is unprepared for her return as Vampire Angelique. The creation of Eve? It is not his idea, and only does it because of Adam’s threats. Except for the episode of Julia and Tom Jennings, he just sits around, waiting for the next calamity to strike.

    So, he might as well be a butler…

  5. Ultimately it shows that the fans had a decisive hand in creating Dark Shadows. Dan Curtis has mentioned that Jonathan Frid wasn’t his ideal choice for the role of Barnabas, and even admitted that he didn’t particularly like him. But the fans did, which lent them a hidden credit as assistant executive producer(s).

    1. Dan Curtis was in Europe at the time of casting of BC and was sent three photos to choose for the role of BC and he chose Bert Convy! Robert Costello thought JF was more gothic, so he overrode (?) DC.

  6. This reminds me of when Star Wars The Phantom Menace came out in 1999. The idiots at Lucasfilm were convinced that the kids were going to go crazy over Jar Jar Binks cause he was so goofy and funny. Instead, all the kids gravitated towards Darth Maul and Jar Jar merchandise littered the shelves for years.

  7. I think it was a real slap that Joel took for the team.

    Although they were pretty great at slap play on the show….

    Other great ones….Nicholas to Angelique…….Julia to Cassandra……

    Mm mm….that’s good slapping.

  8. Just to nitpick on the werewolf stuff in DS: when Chris is stabbed by Joe, his wound disappears with his transition back to human form. In actual werewolf lore, the human body retained whatever wound the wolf body sustained. A famous French “true werewolf” legend has the Mistress of the chateau found out by a wound to her hand, after her paw was injured by hunters while she was in wolf form, IIRC.

    1. See that’s always seemed odd to me. DS’s werewolves are basically just really hairy dudes so it’s not so bad, but in stuff where the entire body changes – lingering shots of fingers stretching, snouts protruding, spines cracking – it makes less sense. The person’s body is being torn up and reset each transition; it has to repair the damage caused by the change itself, so why wouldn’t it also repair any injuries sustained by the wolf at the same time?

      Of course if you’re going to ask about that, you could also ask where all that fur suddenly comes from (and, perhaps more inexplicably, where it goes) so perhaps this is something of a slippery slope…

      1. The wound was made by an external source, so is not subject to the same “healing powers” as the reverse transformation…?

  9. Joel Crothers is really good as a demented lunatic, just as he was really good as a conniving cad in 1795. No wonder he was so frustrated with his limited role on DS.

    Incidentally, I wonder how much of Joe’s strange behavior could be attributed to the “pain pills” he received from Collinsport’s # 1 drug pusher, Julia Hoffman, in the last episode? Pretty soon she and Barnabas will have to form their own cartel to protect their territory.

    1. Absolutely, he’s terrific. When it comes to frighteningly crazy moments, Joel Crothers’ deranged chuckle when Joe is telling Julia “You don’t know… You don’t know…” is on a par with Kathryn Leigh Scott’s screaming “Lock her up! Lock her up!” when Maggie is at Windcliff. And before that, when he’s carrying Amy down the stairs, that was great. At a glance you can tell that this is a guy who’s never going to be right again.

  10. I felt positively frightened for Amy when Joe was shaking her. Also, she looked quite pale in her bed, almost as if she were filmed in black and white.

    I wish that Cassandra would just be Angelique. She’s so much more beautiful as a blonde.

    Julia smacking Joe was awesome and that scream was terrifying! And not Elizabeth!! I mean she hasn’t had a storyline for sometime now but I love her! I’m glad she’s just essentially comatose.

  11. At the end of the episode, when Julia rushes upstairs to find Elizabeth “dead” on the floor, is that Cassandra’s chartreuse colored coat folded up in front of the fireplace? And, speaking of fireplaces, it seems that every single fireplace in Collinwood (and in all of Collinsport for that matter) has a roaring fire 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, all year round.

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