Episode 383: The Newlywed Game

“Do you remember when this mark was the only sign we belonged to each other?”

And this is it, this is how you end a love story. Ladies and gentlemen, please join me in toasting the happy couple, as they enjoy their first and only dance as Mr. and Mrs. Jeremiah Collins. This is their moment.

It lasts for exactly two minutes and twenty seconds.

383 dark shadows jeremiah josette newlyweds

The newlyweds stare into each other’s eyes.

“Jeremiah,” coos the bride, “we’ll never forget this room, this inn… or you.” They kiss, and then she smiles as she gazes lovingly at the Satanic pitchfork mark on her husband’s hand.

383 dark shadows pitchforks

“Do you remember,” she giggles, “when this mark was the only sign that we belonged to each other? How angry and frightened you were, that first day when you saw it?”

383 dark shadows josette happy

We were both afraid,” she says. “So afraid that everyone would notice that we shared this mark! Jeremiah, my darling, why did we care?”

He smiles. “Because we were going to live by the rules,” he says. “You and I were going to fight what we felt. You were going to marry, because — it had been planned.”

383 dark shadows jeremiah josette married

“And instead I married you!” she grins, and they embrace.

And really, apart from the demonic tattoo, what’s the difference between this scene and any other happily-ever-after fantasy? Yes, they’re technically under a spell, which means that Cupid had a little extra assistance from an angry voodoo soap vixen. But there are lots of couples who’ve hooked up while they’re under the influence of one thing or another, and some of those marriages last for weeks, so who are we to judge?

383 dark shadows josette days

I mean, sure, there’s carnage. If you look back to where they came from, you can see a tangled snarl of burning wreckage — two lifetimes of love, duty, honor, respect, friendships and promises, doused with lighter fluid and casually set ablaze. But that’s what a honeymoon is all about.

Because the Newlywed Game is a zero-sum activity. For every happy, united couple, there’s a whole string of might-have-beens, discarded along the way. Every wedding is a little funeral for somebody else’s dream.

383 dark shadows josette selfish

So, yeah, it’s pretty much a bummer for Barnabas, and the whole Collins family. This is the moment when the wicked little lady’s maid with the big blue eyes grabbed a box cutter and tore a chunk out of the Collins family history, leaving a deep and permanent scar that they’re going to feel all the way up through 1967 and beyond. This is the original Dark Shadow, and it haunts the family for as long as Collinwood stands.

383 dark shadows josette jeremiah fair

But what the hell. You only live once, probably. Kiss me. Tell me that you love me. We’ve still got eighteen seconds; let’s enjoy them.

Tomorrow: Life After Love.

Dark Shadows bloopers to watch out for:

In the study, Andre tells Barnabas, “You see, I am determined to clean the air completely. And clear it.”

Joshua tells Barnabas, “If we are wrong about Miss Winters, then the Reverend Task will find her innocent.” He means Reverend Trask.

When Andre walks in through the front door, he closes it behind him, in Joshua’s face.

Josette is still credited as Josette du Prés, although her name is now Josette Collins.

Behind the Scenes:

The famous Collinsport Afghan makes another appearance today, on the bed in Jeremiah and Josette’s room. It was last seen on Vicki’s bed in the Old House, in episode 367.

This episode is the first appearance of Riggs, a Collins family servant of no great consequence. He appears in four episodes, and he’s played by Dan Morgan, who’d performed in some of the very early days of television. His credits read like a fossil record of early TV — The Philco-Goodyear Television Playhouse, Stage 13, Lux Video Theatre, Inner Sanctum, Studio One in Hollywood, Kraft Theatre, The Robert Herridge Theater, Armstrong Circle Theatre. There were a lot of these “theatre” shows back in the day, because originally people thought of TV as live stage shows performed in front of a camera.

Tomorrow: Life After Love.

383 dark shadows jeremiah riggs

Dark Shadows episode guide

— Danny Horn

17 thoughts on “Episode 383: The Newlywed Game

  1. I actually think these two have better chemistry than Josette and Barnabas. It may not have been as easy for Angelique to put Josette under a spell to fall in love with Barnabas if the situation were reversed and Angelique actually loved Jeremiah instead of Barnabas. I still don’t like the plot device of changing all of the family history just to suit the Barnabas character. I guess the producers originally thought these shows would just be seen once and disappear so the previous background stories would have been forgotten. They apparently didn’t think the vast majority of the original viewing audience would remember the past historical references made throughout the early days of the show. Having the ability to follow the episodes carefully through repeated viewings really shows the vast inconsistencies the audience was arbitrarily supposed to accept. As a detail oriented person I really find this exasperating.

      1. You’re right – I had no problem seeing the history altered through the eyes of Vicki firsthand as she actually witnessed them during her trip to 1795. What was harder to rationalize were the comments made by 1967 Barnabas (to I believe Julia) about his utter hatred of Jeremiah very shortly before the 1795 story started. The two were lifelong friends and Barnabas did eventually realize Angelique was the cause of the ‘enchanted wedding’ and Jeremiah and Josette had no control over this. 1967 Barnabas should have been feeling remorse over this event not continued loathing towards his uncle and lifelong friend.

        1. Can’t argue with you there. I just rationalize that to myself by saying Barnabas was lying for some crazy reason (maybe he didn’t want to have to explain Angelique?). Or lying around for 200 years doing nothing screwed up his memory : )

    1. Joanne: of course, the 1967 Barnabas described Jeremiah as much older than Josette, and that the two were already married when Barnabas met and wooed her. He said at that point she began to tire of her marriage to his considerably older uncle, as he had hoped, and the two began an affair with each other. That story does draw questions about both Barnabas’s and Josette’s lack of ethics, commitment, and honor. Perhaps, because of these faults, they were not meant for each other after all.

    1. That afghan is exactly like one my mother had in the 1960s; I’m not sure who originally crocheted it (she hadn’t taken up the hobby yet). It must have been a very popular pattern, with the black borders. Who knew it was popular way back in 1795?

      I’m watching on hulu now, and am so pleased to have found your blog. I love your comments, Danny, as well as those by others. It is like I am watching with friends~

  2. “Every wedding is a little funeral for somebody else’s dream.” you are awesome!

    that afghan really gets around.

    did anyone ever tell david ford that he’s supposed to be acting? he always phones it in. dont get me wrong – I always enjoy his sloppy nonchalance.

    1. David Ford was the poor man’s Orson Welles. I am not even sure what I mean by that. He sounds a bit like Welles to me, and he seems to have the big ego as well as a mischievous streak. He’s just no Orson Welles.

  3. What about Joshua Collins’ line in response to the observation that Natalie and Abigail make a strange combination? He says he senses that there is some implication in that remark but he does not know what it is. Coming from Louis Edmonds, that is deliciously ironic. Of course, the remark accurately points to the strange ideological bedfellows they make, which was alluded to in comments on yesterday’s episode.

  4. But hasn’t the timeline been altered by Vicki’s presence? Otherwise why doesn’t Barnabas remember her when he meets her in the future? Sort of a paradoxy-woxey thing going on…

    1. It’s very briefly implied that he remembered what happened with Vicki, but that it happened to the governess Phyllis Wick. I mean, not all the Vicki showing up in weird clothes and acting like an idiot, but being under suspicion and eventually being convicted of witchcraft and hanged. He was kind of busy with the rest of his life, and Phyllis was just his sister’s governess. Then he was locked in a coffin for 200 years, so I don’t think the details were important. Just his obsession with Josette.

  5. It’s the traveling 1960’s afghan!!! Right at the inn, within the first minutes. Had to write because I laughed so over our little traveler.

  6. That afghan is such an eyesore. And completely doesn’t belong on that bed in 1795 or any other century for that matter. My Mom took up crocheting or knitting (or both) in the early ’70’s when we were young kids (I think she actually took a class on this for a time). She produced exactly ONE AFGHAN of note–a patterned lovely daisy affair bordered in pea green. It moved around our house for years much like this one until one day it finally went away and never came back.

    This whole episode is brimming with treacle and cheap sentiment and rose water. The smell of attar and honeysuckles sifts through the air and two people are forced to mash their lips together for what feels like an extremely, and uncomfortable, length of time. I guess this is the Jeremiah/Josette swan song. Long may she waive…………………….

    Let’s move away from the “love in the afternoon” BS and get back to what matters now: the vampires, witches, potions, notions, and other supernatural arcana. That’s what stands the test of time.

    1. OMG I crocheted a daisy afgan exactly like the one you described, engen down to the pea green border.

  7. Sexism rears its ugly head when Andre tells Josette that she cannot interfere in a matter between men in objecting to Barnabas’ challenging her husband Jeremiah to a duel. Evidently this was also a matter that Joshua, even though he was the family patriarch, had no authority over, either.

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