Episode 769: Crazy Ex-Boyfriend

“I will not let him, nor what he knows, step in the way of what I must do.”

Oh, I know what I have to do! And I’m doing it, right now! I’m doing just what she says! Laura! Yes! She told me to give this letter to you! Now, you have to read it very carefully! Very, very carefully! Because it’s about — Barnabas Collins!

769 dark shadows dirk problems

That’s right! Just open it! You don’t have to understand, just open it! See? That’s right! Yes, she said that it was very important, that you read it! That you’d know what to do after you’d read it! You see, Barnabas tried to kill Laura, but she was clever, and she managed to escape, but you don’t have to worry, Miss Collins. She’s coming back!

769 dark shadows dirk pulsing

You know, Miss Collins, you’ve always hated Laura, didn’t ya? You know, I used to look at your eyes! I used to watch the way you watched her! And when you did, I noticed there was a little pulsing, kinda tight pulsing thing in your neck! You know what I wanted to do? I wanted to choke you!

769 dark shadows dirk call

No, you’re trying to fool me! You’re trying to fool me, just like you tried to fool Laura! Laura said right from the first that you hated her! Yeah! You were one of the reasons that she had to go! You know? I made a vow! You know what that vow was? Huh? I hated you, and I vowed that I was going to avenge it sometime! And I think the time is now!

769 dark shadows dirk dolls

Oh, listen, you don’t have to bother. All dead things look the same! Oh, but he’s dead all right! Yeah? I did it because of Laura! That’s why! Because she wanted revenge! Don’t you see? It was so simple! And, Laura — Laura, wherever you are, I’m not through yet! This is just the beginning! Why, before I’m through, I’m gonna get ’em all!

769 dark shadows dirk cottage

I’ve been looking for you! Ever since she left, I’ve been looking for you, but they wouldn’t let me see you! The enemies of your mother, Jamison! That’s why she had to leave, because of her enemies! But listen, Jamison, you don’t have to worry anymore. Because tonight your mother’s going to be happier than she ever has been before!

769 dark shadows jamison dirk promise

Now, he’s dead, and he’s in the cellar in his coffin at the Old House! That’s where he keeps his coffin! Because of what he is! Because of his secret! The secret that he hurt your mother with! Look, you can’t go, you cannot go until you promise me that you won’t tell anybody!

769 dark shadows dirk long

Laura? Laura, it’s all finished for Barnabas! What he tried to do to you! All the ways he wanted to hurt you! No more! Does that make you happy, Laura? The way I told Jamison? I know it did. Is that what you want from me? Laura? Laura! If it is, please give me a sign! Just give me a sign, one little sign, and make yourself known to me! Just be right here with me, now! Laura! Laura, is that you?

Tomorrow: Clockwork.


Dark Shadows bloopers to watch out for:

Barnabas opens the coffin while Beth is in the basement. As she says, “No, it can’t be!” there’s the sound of a zipper.

When Dirk bends down to address the flames during Barnabas’ scare attack, a couple of Dirk’s lines pick up the reverb effect intended for Barnabas.

Barnabas tells Dirk, “No one else will ever know that you’ve been in this house!” Except they’re standing in the cottage, and Barnabas is talking about the Old House.

At the Old House, when Jamison peers through the grate of the basement door, you can clearly see a crewmember standing there, wearing a white shirt. He makes a hand gesture, obviously not aware that he’s currently on camera.

Beth knocks at the door of the cottage. Barnabas can see through the window on the door, but he asks “Who is it?” anyway.

Tomorrow: Clockwork.

769 dark shadows dirk face

Dark Shadows episode guide

— Danny Horn

12 thoughts on “Episode 769: Crazy Ex-Boyfriend

    1. Thank you! I find him only slightly less annoying in this role. Although today I found myself shouting at him, “Allright already with Laura and how much you love her!” Jeesh!

  1. I was so excited watching this episode as a kid cuz I thought it meant Laura, who I adored, was coming back. I was so disappointed.

  2. Got to give it up for Roger Davis – he can crazyface with the best of them. Too bad we never got a scene with Jenny, Laura, Angelique & Dirk; but maybe that might be too much…

  3. I’m confused about the following line, spoken by Dirk to Jamison, in the cottage:

    “The reason that I killed your mother is because she wanted me to. Because of this secret.”

    I expected to see it listed in the ‘Bloopers’ section of today’s blog entry. & when I didn’t find it, I figured surely somebody would have mentioned it in the comments. Nope. So I went back & listened to that scene again. And again. Multiple times. I thought maybe I had misheard or misinterpreted what he said. Then I googled the phrase. The only place it showed up was in a Dark Shadows wiki, but even it had the line listed as a ‘Quote’ and not a ‘Blooper.’

    Surely, he meant to say “The reason I killed him (Barnabas) is because your mother wanted me to.” Otherwise, wouldn’t Jamison have reacted much differently? e.g., “You killed my mother!?!? Why did she want you to kill her?!?”

    Besides, I would think the credit for killing Laura would be a three-way tie between Ra, Angelique, and Time.

    But since I can’t find any reference (on the internet, at least) to this line being a blooper, then there must be some other explanation. Help an idiot girl governess out? “I just don’t understand.”

  4. Why did Dirk go so completely crazy after Laura died? Was he still hosting the life flame used previously to save Laura? Where did he go the three days he was missing? Where are his gloves? How did he remember the basement after being made to forget? Dirk was interesting enough today for me to care. And yes, he should have said to Jamison that he killed Barnabas, not “your mother”.

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