Episode 493: Revenge of the Baby-Sat

“A man — No! He was a monster! A monster!”

You know that you’re in for a good day on Dark Shadows when the episode opens with everybody who has a speaking part all standing in a line and facing the teleprompter.

That means two things: there are four people on a cramped set that can really only accommodate one and a half, and the actors can’t memorize their lines because the things that they’re supposed to say don’t mean anything. In other words, it’s a Ron Sproat script today.

493 dark shadows dreams barnabas adam

The vampire looks down at the mute, sleeping Frankenstein who’s been stashed in the dungeon cell of their haunted house. Then he uncorks the Fridspeak.

Barnabas:  If I did not know what horrors we commit, even in our dreams, I’d say all malice and evil leave us when we sleep. How gentle he looks, at times like this.

Julia:  I wouldn’t stand too close to him. He’s apt to wake up any minute now.

Barnabas:  Brute force incarnate… disguised now as one of Earth’s most gentle creatures.

Is he, though? I’d say that particular description is 0 for 2, but you can’t keep score on days like this.

This is Adam, by the way, the show’s new man-monster, who just opened his eyes two days ago. In yesterday’s episode, they established that Adam is like a small child, who needs to be cared for and raised to be a good, loving human being. That’s why they’ve put him in the basement, behind a locked steel door.

493 dark shadows teleprompter julia

Now they’re briefing the babysitter, Willie, the servant who was just sprung from a mental institution a couple weeks ago. I know, it’s a weird show.

Julia:  Stand away, he’s waking up — and we have no idea what he’ll do.

Willie:  You told me he was harmless.

Barnabas:  He is!

Willie:  Well, then why are you both so afraid of him?

Julia:  We’re not afraid, merely… cautious.

Okay, you just said he was brute force incarnate. The show’s been on for, like, a minute and a half so far, and you’re already issuing retractions on previous lines of dialogue. It’s no wonder everyone’s looking at the teleprompter — even Julia, who’s usually able to keep track of what she’s supposed to say from one moment to the next.

493 dark shadows told julia willie

It’s Willie’s first day as nanny to the giant, ferocious patchwork man, and he’s not making a good impression with the parents.

Barnabas:  If you show fear, it communicates itself to him, and he is also afraid.

Willie:  What’s he do?

Julia:  Well, he reacts the way any creature will do who’s afraid.

Willie:  Oh, you mean he runs away.

Barnabas:  Dear Willie… don’t judge everyone by your own standards. The natural reaction is to strike out.

Willie asks what they did to make Adam strike out before, and Barnabas and Julia both roll their eyes and sigh theatrically.

493 dark shadows home adam

But never mind the safety lectures — the monster is regaining consciousness.

“We have brought you to a new home,” Barnabas says, indicating the filthy, windowless cell. Adam is clearly delighted.

493 dark shadows subtext adam willie

And check out the body language, as they introduce Adam to his new babysitter. I’d say “get a room”, but they already did, and this is it.

493 dark shadows going barnabas julia

But there’s no time for introductions, apparently. Jula says, “Come, Barnabas. We’d better get going,” and they head for the door.

This is entirely baffling. Where the hell are you going? What could possibly be a higher priority in your life right now than spending time with your enormous new child?

493 dark shadows shake adam barnabas

Barnabas tells Adam, “I will come back and see you. Goodbye.” And then he holds out his hand, for Adam to shake.

Adam cringes. He has no idea what’s going on.

Barnabas adopts the tone that you use when you’re talking to someone who doesn’t understand English, probably because they’re lazy and they’re just not trying hard enough.

“This is a custom that we use when we wish each other well at parting,” he says, enunciating clearly, like that’s the problem. “Now, give me your hand, Adam.”

493 dark shadows manners adam barnabas

So this moment makes a couple things snap into place. Let’s think for a moment about the mentality of a man who’s faced with a newborn creature from beyond the grave, and decides that the most important skill that Adam should learn right now is how to shake hands.

These are your standard aristocrat “The Sun Never Sets on the British Empire” rules. In this worldview, children are just like foreigners — they can’t speak properly, and they require a certain firmness of purpose when teaching them table manners, but in all other respects, they deserve to be treated with the same patience and understanding as our pets, our servants and our houseplants. The basic hierarchy here is that well-bred white people are at the top, and everything else from immigrants to sea life is basically a lateral move.

So this is what you do, if you’re the dad from Mary Poppins. You don’t actually raise your children; that’s what servants are for. Inconvenient relatives can be deposited in the attic, or in the inexplicable prison cell that you maintain in the basement.

493 dark shadows alone adam willie

But Ron Sproat loves this prison cell. He’s the last writer on Dark Shadows who remembers the days when stories were slow and graceful, like glaciers. And there’s nothing that fills up screen time better than keeping someone in a room, and then worrying about what might happen if they ever get out.

The last time we gave Sproat a run of episodes, he put Vicki in jail for three months. He’s also trapped David in the mausoleum for a week, put Josette under house arrest, and kept Maggie in this very cell for the entire summer of ’67.

493 dark shadows smoke adam willie

Naturally, as soon as the parents leave the room, the very first thing Willie does is light up a cigarette. This is hard-coded instinctual behavior that comes naturally to all babysitters. Next, he’s going to spend an hour on the phone, as he rifles through the liquor cabinet and the medicine chest.

493 dark shadows flees adam

And then obviously, it all goes terribly wrong. Adam grabs for the cigarette, burns himself, knocks Willie into the corner, and makes for the exit.

Now, everyone in the audience knew that this was coming — you don’t leave Willie in charge of your incarnation of brute force without expecting the occasional jailbreak. The remarkable thing is that this happens less than ninety seconds since Barnabas and Julia left the room. Willie’s monster-sitting career doesn’t even make it through the first commercial break.

In 1967, this would have been a solid week of episodes, and they just compressed that into a minute and a half. The pace of the show has changed completely.

493 dark shadows reading julia

But don’t tell the leisure class about that; they’ve got all the time in the world.

When we see Julia, she’s sitting in the Collinwood drawing room, reading a book and taking notes. We don’t get to see what she’s looking at, but I hope it’s parenting advice.

493 dark shadows plot adam

But I really shouldn’t be complaining, because leaving Willie in charge means that the monster gets to roam around on the Collins estate, which is exactly what we want to see.

Adam is a great character, because he automatically changes the story just by walking onto a set. Nobody knows that he exists, so if anybody sees him, we’re going to have trouble. He’s the plot point that walks like a man.

493 dark shadows society adam johnson

Naturally, pandemonium ensues. He wanders onto the terrace at Collinwood, and once again, the working class comes face-to-face with the forces of darkness.

Mrs. Johnson, the Collins family housekeeper, hears a noise outside and comes to investigate. Finding a stranger on the mansion grounds, she says, “What do you want? You don’t belong here!”

Now, they were just explaining to Willie that the fight-or-flight instinct is common to all living creatures, but apparently that does not apply to the domestics.

Mrs. Johnson goes for the third option, which is to stand entirely still and yell, “Help! Somebody help me!”

493 dark shadows marxist barnabas

Luckily, a passing aristocrat hears her cry for assistance, and the savage runs away in terror, as savages so often do.

493 dark shadows vagrant johnson julia

I know, I’m hitting the “class war” angle pretty hard today, but seriously, that’s what this episode is about. When the men run off in pursuit of the creature, Julia sits down with Mrs. Johnson and acts patronizing.

Mrs. Johnson:  The way he stared at me when I spoke to him… It was as if he didn’t understand me. It was as if he were — more an animal than a man.

Julia:  Now, Mrs. Johnson, you’ve been terribly upset, and your imagination’s running away with you.

The housekeeper insists that she saw a monster, and Julia sniffs, “It was probably just a vagrant.”

I swear, if I was in the mood to give a damn about left-wing Marxist lit-crit theory, I could work this up into a Modern Culture and Media paper that would knock you sideways.

493 dark shadows chains adam

Workers of the world, unite! You have nothing to lose but — holy cow, he really does have chains. I guess there’s no such thing as subtext anymore. Well, that ought to save me some time.

Tomorrow: To Your Teeth (Varney the Vampire, part 3).

Dark Shadows bloopers to watch out for:

Barnabas loses his grip on his lines when he’s leaving the cell.

Willie:  Oh, please don’t leave me here.

Barnabas:  Keep in mind now, Willie, that you’re as responsible for Adam, and you’re also responsible for yourself.

Willie:  What do you mean?

Barnabas:  Your only safety — is to talk to him. Keep an eye on him. Talk to him, and be friendly. And nothing will have… given you any fear. Either from him, or from me.

Tomorrow: To Your Teeth (Varney the Vampire, part 3).

493 dark shadows drink adam

Dark Shadows episode guide

— Danny Horn

18 thoughts on “Episode 493: Revenge of the Baby-Sat

  1. I never knew the prevalence of Sproatnapping until I started watching the early Quentin’s ghost episodes. You know the episodes where the medium Janet Findly, and later the children get trapped in Quentin’s room? Guess who wrote those

  2. I’m going to knock off today on chastising the two most Incredible Idiots on 1967 daytime television and focus on a sensitive, but unavoidable, aspect of child-rearing, namely ‘chamber pot’ training? Also have they fed this poor creature yet?

    1. Yes, they seem to be skipping the toilet training aspect, as you’ll notice his room/cell has no facilities–however, at least he is always cleanly shaven. As for food, I believe in this episode he is given a bowl of soup and Barnabas attempts to teach him to eat in a civilized manner, but Adam instead just pulls the bowl to his mouth and swills it down.

      1. I had similar thoughts when Maggie was held in this room – where in the world did she shower, brush her teeth, fix her makeup and do her nails? I know these are messy details that soaps back then didn’t address but are usually at the back of the viewers mind during forced confinement situations like this…

        1. I wondered about those exact details as well, and also when Vicky was held captive by Matthew Morgan. However, when David was trapped in the secret room of the mausoleum for just a couple of days he became quite filthy and his hair was all over the place. Perhaps in these other instances the vanity of the adult actors was a factor.

    2. JoAnn Adam is getting a raw deal here. Barnabas and Julia obviously have not had children, however, Julia is a bit more sensitive. This storyline is so crazy and I don’t agree with it at all.

    3. I’m trying to imagine what I’d have done if I’d been left in charge of Adam. I think I’d have ordered him a large Meat Lover’s from Pizza Hut and a Pepsi.

  3. Barnabas is too concerned with the appropriateness of hand-shaking to bother with toilet training. Also, children tend to do well with “hugs” rather than the formality of a hand-shake.

    Adam himself and his story are the most tragic in DS. He’s an innocent brought into the world who is the victim of two lousy parents (Barnabas and Julia) who then stumbles his way through the world, acting not out of malice, but making enemy after enemy (even the nice Joe Haskell) until taken horrible advantage of by an evil, predatory man (Nicholas Blair). It’s any decent parent’s nightmare. To Robert Rodan’s credit, I think he plays Adam not as a fully grown adult turned diabolical but a wounded, traumatized teenager — not the “man” that Carolyn claims he is when he comes on to her (yes, given his appearance, I can understand her reaction but psychologically, he was like an emotionally immature high schooler with a crush on his teacher). It’s interesting that Blair is the one who plans to use Adam for “sex” (“mating” with Eve), whereas Adam expresses only the desire for a “friend,” for someone who will love him. If you’ve worked with at-risk kids who’d been abused for most of their lives, you’ll recognize that desire, which winds up gravitating them to unhealthy sources of that “love” or “family” (gangs, as just one example).

    1. Actually, it makes me wonder about Barnabas’ own upbringing. Joshua clearly wasn’t a warm or affectionate father, even by 18th century standards, so Barnabas probably didn’t get many hugs in his own childhood. Could that explain his difficulties in parenting Adam?

  4. Barnabas is such an aristo that there are times I feel like singing the Ca ira (Ca ira, ca ira, ca ira, les aristocrates a la lanterne.., ca ira, ca ira, ca ira, les aristocraets on les pendra…)

  5. I’ve always wanted to write (or contribute to) a Frankenstein-type story where one of the superhuman things about the creature is that there’s no such thing as wasted food and drink in his case. That would take away the whole question of “training.”

  6. When Willie lit up in the cell I thought they were going to re-enact (sort of) that scene in Frankenstein where the monster and the blind man puff on cigars but the writers didn’t go in that direction.

  7. “when stories were slow and graceful, like glaciers”. three years later, going around again, i had to come and say, Danny, this is fabulous!

  8. Sproat’s idea of making the plot progress seemed to be to put three or more characters in a room and have them argue endlessly about something, then have one of the characters suddenly leave the room for no particular reason, then have two of the remaining characters argue endlessly about something, then rinse and repeat.

  9. Agreed, David. And yet I am ashamed to admit I found a horrific sort of hilarity in the scene just prior to the ending when Julia questions Barnabas about the steps he had been obliged to take.

    Initially their dialogue sounds quite normal… indeed, very much alike to that which might exchanged by a working mother and her stay-at-home hubby about how their sick child is faring:

    Julia: (pacing restlessly before greeting Barnabas with a worried expression) You got him safely back?

    Barnabas: (nodding obediently) Yes.

    Julia: And did he drink the medicine I left for him?

    Barnabas: (offering another obedient nod) Yes.

    Julia: (with a hint of a relieved smile lightening her lingering concern) And did he fall asleep?

    Barnabas: (in a manner both soothing and prideful, apparently eager to offer his life partner proof of his paternal skills) Yes, almost immediately.

    …but then, when she poses the next question, the viewer is reminded that this isn’t a normal soap but, rather, DS:

    Julia: (all remaining hints of motherly concern replaced by cool matter-of-factness) And was the restraint applied?


    Possessing absolutely zero maternal (or paternal) instincts myself, and remembering with little cheery sentiment the many years I served as a babysitter, I am thinking about using CafePress to design a tote bag with the paraphrased quote: “I completed my babysitting shift. The restraint was applied. You’re welcome.”

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